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‘marriage’ Category

  1. A Few Questions With…Magic 8 Ball

    March 28, 2012 by C.

    There are times when I question myself and the path I am on. I second guess myself constantly, so sometimes it is nice to get a second opinion and my shrink isn’t always around.

    So this week I bought a Magic 8 Ball to help me get some answers to my crazy life. I asked the question, closed my eyes (for dramatic effect) and gave it a good shake. I swear to you that these are the answers that came up for each question.

    Will I be a famous writer?


    Off to a great start my magic friend.

    Will I be rich and successful?


    I love you Magic 8 ball!

    Will Adam Lambert marry me?

    Don’t count on it.

    What??? Are you freaking kidding me??? How does this toy know Adam is way gay and would never marry me?? It MUST be magic.

    Would I survive being a tribute in “The Hunger Games”?

    Without a doubt.

    The 8 ball is picking up on my newly acquired Doomsday Prepping skills and knows I could survive for years in the wilderness with just a toothpick and a roll of duct tape.

    Are Oprah and Gayle lovers?

    As I see it, yes.

    I KNEW IT!

    Should I max out my credit cards?


    God bless you Magic Ball, God bless you!

    Will the world end December 21st, 2012?

    Very doubtful.

    Will Obama be President again?

    Signs point to yes.

    Will Snooki be a good mother?

    Don’t count on it.

    Oh, the Magic 8 ball is so wise. Everyone I know is getting one for Christmas.

    Will Tim Tebow marry me?

    Very doubtful.

    %&;@(^*^*&)*@ stupid *&^;%&%^ Magic Ball!

    Will Brad ever marry Angie?

    Outlook good.

    Glad someone is getting married. Geez.

    Am I super sexy?

    My reply is no.

    God, now I am depressed. Where is my bag of Oreos??????

    Will anyone ever marry me? Like if I am the last female on the planet?? In the galaxy?

    Not a chance in hell loser girl.

    Touche’ 8 ball. You win this round.

  2. Will You Marry Us?

    June 17, 2011 by C.

    Handsome Paul is looking for a bride. He has tried every which way to lure in a wife and has had no success. Paul is getting older (38) and really needs to find a wife and live happily ever after.

    He has started a blog which is really funny and horribly honest. After reading through his blog I think I have come up with a few reasons why he has not had much luck thus far.

    1. Paul is pretty much bald. Chicks like hair or they like completely bald, not this half-ass bald head crap. Either shave it all off and shine it up or check into Hair Club for Men.

    2. He admits at 38 years of age he has NEVER had a girlfriend. It is far too difficult to deal with a man that has not been trained by a woman. We need to know at least a couple of women have whipped you into shape just a bit. Examples are: you know that you cannot leave the seat up on the toilet, taking out the trash is your job and you tell us we look nice in whatever we have on when we ask for your opinion.
    Starting from scratch is just too much work. At my age, crashing into a toilet with no seat is extremely dangerous and could lead to a broken hip or cracked pelvis.

    3. He doesn’t make enough money. Paul’s blog states that if you get him a date with someone that becomes his wife, he will donate half of a years salary to your favorite charity. The estimate for half of his salary is $10,000-20,000. Just trying to be realistic here…I do not wish to marry someone that makes $20,000 a year. I would like to eat something a little better than cat food when I retire. Not to mention a refrigerator box in Florida is not my idea of living the good life during my golden years. I think most women would agree with me here even though I might sound like a greedy bitch.

    4. This is where Paul lives…

    Where do I start with this? There are very few women that would approve of living like this. Seriously dude, plug in that TV, turn on HGTV and get this place woman ready. No woman in her right mind wants to pick up after your sloppy ass. 
    5. Women that are not hookers do not dig Weiner like photos. 
    6. #37 on his list is he does not need Viagra. “Even as I approach the age of 40, I’m still afraid to wear sweatpants because of how easily I get aroused.” Oh Paul, you should never have mentioned this. This means if your future wife happens to run the vacuum bra-less you will mount her like the hairy poodle you are. Us giving the girls a few hours out of their trap to clean house is not an invitation. Keep it tucked in your sweatpants. Please remember, marriage=no sex. Ever. Oh and whining just makes us want it even less so pick your lip up and soldier on. 

    I think that pretty much covers it. I won’t go into how Paul could share makeup with you or loves hamsters. I really do want this man to find a wife. 

    Here is where you come in. I need one of you to step up…take one for the team and marry Handsome Paul. That $10,000 could really help out some tornado victims in Joplin. So get with it! Paul has an e-mail address listed so you can e-mail him with all your endearing qualities. Actually, I think just being female means you are qualified so no need to try to impress him. I expect a wedding invitation.