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  1. An Interview With My Mom

    May 8, 2016 by C.

    Hope all the Moms out there have a wonderful day!

    Hope all the Moms out there have a wonderful day!

     

    Wow, long time no blog. I know, I know. But I have been BUSY! I am currently working on a book of my Typewriter Wisdoms and hope to have it released this fall. The Facebook fan page has taken off and takes up an enormous amount of time…but so worth it!

    I usually try to have my Mom write a blog post for Mother’s Day but the peeps from Facebook are so interested in her I thought it would be fun to have them send in some questions for her to answer and they did! Hope you all enjoy!

    1. From Pam Geeting Smith-What did you crave while pregnant with Chanin? How long were you in labor, was it a difficult birth? Was Chanin a difficult child or an angel?

    I craved fresh fruit and fruit juices when I was pregnant with Chanin. I was in labor (1st pain to here she is) for 11 hours. My little 8 lb. 11 oz. bundle of joy came breech (this I will never let her forget).
    She was the very best baby, a really good child growing up. Now her sister was totally the opposite.

    Hahahahahahahaha too bad for the little sister! (Editor’s note).

    2. From Shelley James— What is your proudest moment with Chanin?

    I don’t know that there is only one really proud moment, but her graduation from college would be right up there. Chanin worked full-time in my Dad’s restaurant starting from the age of 12, until we sold it. She was working 60 hours a week through college. Not many people could do that and get their degree, but she did it.

    3. From Maiya the Maniac—When you say your first curse word? When did Chanin?

    I didn’t swear until my 1st year in college. Chanin, on the other hand, was around 2-years-old. That’s all I really want to say about that.

    4. From Patricia Colville—What was the most embarrassing moment your daughter got you into?

    The day before my mother was coming for a visit, Chanin’s dad and I got into a very heated argument during dinner. Things went very fast. I believe I threw the pan of biscuits at him and he grabbed me and was restraining my hands. Unfortunately, Chanin saw this. Things got under control and quieted down. Divorce was not even mentioned during the argument. Her Dad and I both were ashamed of ourselves and we both tried to reassure her that this would never happen again. She seemed fine the next morning and her Dad and I were fine. I drove to Nashville to pick up my Mom around 10 am. Around 1 pm that afternoon, I received a call from the school principal, a personal friend of Charlie and I. He said Chanin had started crying at rest time after lunch telling her teacher that her Mom and Dad had a fight and that her Grandma was coming to take her, her sister and her Mom to Oklahoma because we were getting divorced. The teacher was upset, the principal was upset, Chanin was upset, I was upset and had to tell my Mom the whole thing. I had to go to the principal’s office!!! I was truly embarrassed as I should have been.

    5. From Deborah “The Artist” Lyons—-What is the first thing you would do during the zombie apocalypse?

    *laughs*

    Well, I have never really thought about it much. I guess I would just have to bend over and kiss my ass goodbye.

    Thanks everyone for sending in the questions!

    My Mom is a super awesome lady and has worked her butt off to take care of my sister and I. She spoils the hell out of her grandkids. She has never once asked for anything in return. And for that, I thank her because I am poor.

    Happy Mother’s Day, to the best Mom on the planet! I love you!

     


  2. Date Disaster

    August 10, 2014 by C.

    date

    I’m done.

     

     

    “I know it’s a little late, but would you like to meet me at Starbucks for a coffee or tea?” he asked.

    We had been talking via e-mails for a week and he had been asking me daily about meeting him somewhere in person.

    I suppose 8:30 pm is a little late when I have to be at work the next day, but surprisingly I wasn’t in my pjs yet. For once, I had on a decent looking shirt and I had just had my hair fluffed.

    “I would love to!” I responded.

    I met him inside, ordered my grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with soy milk and sat down with him at a table. I have to be honest, after he ordered a tall, non-fat latte with caramel drizzle, I almost bailed. I mean, what an obnoxious and annoying drink order…especially from a guy.

    Anywho, we decided to take a drive and since I have control issues, I drove. I had also had this really cool stereo installed in my car that I wanted to play with.

    So we drove around, switching out cds, talking and having a really great time. Other than that obnoxious drink order, I was really digging this guy. So many thoughts ran through my head as I drove through town…

    “Is it a requirement to wear a dress when you get married or are jean shorts ok?”

    “I hope he doesn’t expect my old uterus to poop out any kids for him.”

    “I hope he knows I am not putting out after one lousy Starbucks drink…what a tight-ass. I might want to reconsider this marriage.”

    Just a few blocks from dropping him off at his car, my cell phone rings through the stereo system via the bluetooth connection. I glanced at the screen and saw it was my mother. Then I glanced at the clock. Shit, it was 11 pm.

    I punched the receive call button and held my breath.

    “WHERE. ARE. YOU?” she asked.

    “Oh, just out driving around,” I replied.

    I looked over and he was staring out the window with a big grin on his face.

    Lovely.

    “It is after 11 at night and you have to work tomorrow! You haven’t even been at home tonight have you?”

    Please God. I beg of you. Just softly crash my car and have him whack his head on the dash just enough to cause some memory loss. All he will remember of this evening was that I look really good in pink and have excellent taste in music.

    “Yes, mom I was home between 7 and 8:30 tonight.”

    “Well, you are up to something. You normally tell me where you’re going. We will have a discussion about this tomorrow. Now, when you get home lock your door so Lurch doesn’t get in bed with you tonight. Good-bye.”

    The minute I hit the red disconnect button, he died laughing.

    He managed to choke out between belly laughs, “How old are you and who is Lurch???????”

    Yes, it’s true. I am a 43-year-old single woman and my mother just ruined the last shot I had at securing myself a husband.

    Does anyone have a cheap rocking chair I can buy to prepare for my days as an old maid???

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  3. Diets Suck

    June 15, 2014 by C.

    Grrrrrrrrr

    Grrrrrrrrr

     

     

     

    I’ve been on the diet from hell for about a month now. It has been pretty successful in that I have dropped close to twenty-five pounds in that time span. I feel so much better already, it just blows my mind.

    My reasons for starting the diet were many…but the main reason was a vacation I will go on in July with my eleven-year-old niece. I didn’t want to be tired and run down and not be able to do the things she wants to do. I don’t want her to have a crappy vacation because of me.  I just couldn’t live with that.

    Everyone has been very supportive. I have updated my Happy Pills page with my progress every Monday morning. The positive comments I get inspire me and keep me moving forward. It is really important to have positive feedback because I don’t get much of that at home.

    My mother came over one evening to tell me something (I am not sure why she doesn’t call, but whatever).  She asked about my weight loss and I told her all about it…feeling very proud of myself.

    She looked at me and said, “You know what would really help you…a breast reduction. Your back would feel so much better and I bet if you would just drop to a C cup, you would lose 20 pounds.”

    Isn’t that interesting? If you cut off some body parts you can lose weight.

    “Well, while we are at it how about we chop off both my arms…or maybe an arm and a leg. That would make me soooooo much lighter. What a great idea! Why didn’t I think of this sooner?” I replied.

    She stared at me for a few moments and finally responded, “smart ass” and got up from the couch and walked out of my house.

    I don’t care how much my brain weighs; she won’t be getting that removed. I need it in order to deal with her every day.

     


  4. Happy Birthday to My Mom

    September 8, 2013 by C.

    Love you!

    Love you!

     

     

    Today is my Mom’s birthday. Most of you feel like you know my Mom through my blog posts (I have tried to give her a break lately and not publish every funny little thing she says). She has a great sense of humor about being written about and so far hasn’t written me out of her will for it (this is something she likes to threaten us with if we don’t do what she wants lol).

    Today I would like to share a little more about my Mom (she is having heart failure right now reading this).

    My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. It was best for her to be near her family so we moved from Tennessee to Oklahoma. My Dad only had custody of us for one week at Christmas and a month in the summer due to the distance.

    Child support payments were not what they are today, so my Mom had to work her butt off to keep us afloat. My grandfather had purchased a restaurant and the manager was retiring. He asked my Mom to manage it for him. It was a good paycheck but very long, hard hours. Sometimes 14-16 hours a day, in a hot kitchen (we would put thermometers out in the summer to discover it would get to around 113 degrees in there), on concrete floors, working alongside some of the craziest people you could ever imagine. She did all of this for me and my sister.

    She sacrificed her personal life. She didn’t have time to date or go to movies or just hang out with her friends. The restaurant was open 7 days a week, breakfast, lunch and dinner. No day off for her at all. No hair appointments, doctor appointments or calling in sick. Basically, her life sucked.

    When we got old enough (roughly around age 12), my sister and I worked alongside her. Not the same hours of course, because we had to go to school during the day. It was then I really got to see just how much work my Mom had to do. We worked with my Mom until it was decided to sell the restaurant when I was 24 years old.

    It was a tough decision. I wanted to keep it. I was about to graduate from college and would be able to spend more time there helping Mom out. But Mom wouldn’t have it. She didn’t want the same life for me that she had had for so many years. I had a college degree and could have so much more of a life than dealing with a restaurant. So it was sold. At the time it truly broke my heart. I grew up in that place and had so many memories. I didn’t want to let go, but I had no other choice. Where would a 24-year-old kid get the money to buy a restaurant?

    I have never admitted this to my Mom, but I am glad she made me give it up. It was a hard life. I had never gone to a school dance, never had weekends off and I was able to attend only one high school football game (I think it was because it was on a Thursday night for some reason). My life is so much easier now, with weekends and holidays off. More time to spend with family and friends…to actually enjoy myself. So, thank you, Mom.

    She is the best Mom and especially the best Grandma to my niece and nephew. She spoils them with clothes and toys all the time. I am not sure they are fully aware of all the sacrifices Grandma made for all of us, but hopefully sometime I can sit them down and tell them when I know they will be able to understand it.

    Happy Birthday to the best Mom ever! We love you and won’t ever forget all you sacrificed for us to have a better life.

    Love,

    Chanin and Brennen


  5. Grammys with a Granny

    February 14, 2013 by C.

    And the Grammy goes to...

    And the Grammy goes to…

     

     

     

    I love watching the Grammy Awards. Music is one of my most favorite things in the world and nothing gives me more pleasure than to watch all of these incredible musicians dress up and come out to jam. Bruno Mars with Sting was one of my favorite performances of the night. Overall, I think it was one of the better Grammy shows I have seen in years.

    The evening after the show I stopped by my Mom’s house. We had a little chat about the Grammy Awards.

    Mom: I really enjoyed the Grammys last night. There were several groups I had never heard of but I really like them now.

    Me: Like whom?

    Mom: Well, Munford and Sons…they were really good. That lead singer, Munford, I guess…he looks a lot like Tim Tebow. Oh, and the group that got rained on…what is their name?

    Me: Fun. Mom, it’s Mumford and Sons.

    Mom: Oh,ok. There is one more…I just can’t think of their name.

    Me: What did they look like? Or hum the song, I will help you figure it out.

    Mom: It was something like, “Hey ho!” The lead singer had his microphone pointed up high and when he had his mouth open he looked like he was ready to catch a grape in his mouth. It was weird, but I liked their song.

    Holy crap, she is right!

    Holy crap, she is right!

    Me: They are The Lumineers.

    Mom: That’s right…I knew their name started with an L. Is that a song about soliciting a prostitute? I would hate to tell people I like that song if that’s what it’s about.

    Me: Wow, it’s getting late. I better head home.

    I can’t wait to report on all her comments after our annual Academy Awards party. Of course, if she reads this and gets crabby (like she normally does when I blog about the things she says) I might have to watch it alone.

     

     


  6. Mother Masked Me

    January 25, 2013 by C.

    WTH???

    WTH???

     

     

     

    This evening I got to the hotel and mother was being snarky so I had to put her in her place.

    “I believe I am footing the bill for this hotel room so when I come in after a hard day at work I expect my bed turned down and my slippers waiting by the door.”

    “Chanin, you are not footing the bill for this hotel. The company you work for is.”

    “Same diff. I didn’t see you whipping out any plastic at check-in so I expect you to get with it and make my stay much more pleasurable for the last week we are here or you will immediately be placed in an old folks home once we arrive back home.”

    She just glared at me.

    I have injured my back and pretty much get doped up on muscle relaxers once I get in for the evening. I got out my head pad and leaned back against it to watch a few episodes of Downton Abbey.

    I had my headphones in and was all involved in the show (Lord Anthony was ditching poor Edith at the alter…what an old bastard!). I see my mom moving pretty quickly for her age out of the corner of my eye. Next thing I know she is on top of me with a tube of something smearing it all over my face. Being half-doped, depressed for poor Edith and in pain, I really had no chance to get out of her death grip.

    Through my Downton soundtrack, I hear her say that I am getting older and need to take much better care of my skin (she has been saying this since I was 12). Could these drugs be so good that I am imagining all of this? Who attacks their daughter with a facial mask???

    Someone not in their right mind and on their way to the old folks home, that’s who.

    To make matters worse she is laughing so hard she starts farting. At this point I am praying the pain in my back gets so bad I will lose consciousness.

    When she finally releases me, she says in her snarky voice, “Now snap a picture of that and share it on Facebook with all your friends.”

    So I did…well not on Facebook, but on my blog. She really doesn’t know the difference between the two so does it really matter?


  7. Me and Mom Be Trippin’

    January 20, 2013 by C.

    Ohhhhh early bird dinner specials! Yea!

    Ohhhhh early bird dinner specials! Yea!

     

     

     

     

    As of today, I am starting on my 3rd week in Springfield, Ohio. When I was first told that I was going (for a week), my mom mentioned it might be fun for her to go along and she would pay her own way etc, etc. That was fine with me but then a few days before leaving it was turned into being gone for 2 weeks. I honestly thought she would want to stay home. I mean hell, I didn’t even want to go for a week, let alone for 2.

    Surprisingly, she said she still wanted to go. After being in Springfield for 3 days, this 2 week stay then turned into staying for a month. I volunteered to drive her home on a Saturday and drive back alone on a Sunday but she didn’t want to leave. She said she didn’t like the idea of my being alone all this time in a strange city. I am 41-years-old for shits sake!

    So here I sit, sharing a hotel room with my mom for 2 more weeks. The most disturbing part of this is that I am starting to act more and more like an old lady. Here are the new habits I have picked up from spending so much time with her…

     

    I like to have had my dinner no later than 6 pm. We have a routine where I get off work and pull up in front of the hotel, then we immediately go to wherever she has picked for dinner. Most nights it is a place that offers an early bird dinner special. She gets very excited about this because she boxes up part of it for her lunch the next day and saves money.

    I am in my pajamas by 7:30. Lights out usually by 9:30. At home, I was up past 11 every night.

    Laying out all of my medication the night before I need it. Thinking of getting a pill-box soon to match Mom’s.

    Bitching about all my hotel neighbors.”Seriously, another damn kids birthday party at the pool??? There is water all over the floor and someone is going to fall and break a hip!”

    There are things she does that I have not picked up on because frankly it freaks me out. Her evening treat is to get on my laptop (because she cannot figure out how to connect to the hotel Wi-Fi when I am not here) and getting online to look at the obituaries in our hometown online newspaper. Why do people look at this stuff? If a  friend or family member died, I would hope someone would notify you and you would not have to find out about it online. Why care about the deaths of complete strangers? This is what I hear every night, “Chanin, a 2-year-old baby died. Is that not horrible?”

    “Yes, it is horrible.”

    “Awwww and a 32-year-old woman. That is just too young to die. Oh, and she had kids! Those poor babies.”

    I got tired of listening to the stories of the dead strangers so I got out my tablet one night and filled my ears with headphones, watching a video. She just continued talking to me. I couldn’t hear what she was saying but I heard her voice just talking away about something…probably a homeless man died or something.

    Then there are her motherly warnings that are getting old now…

    We have been very fortunate and not had any snow while we have been here. But every morning, she gets up to warn me about black ice. I am not sure where this mystery black ice has come from but it is something that shows up during the night, every single night, just waiting out there on the highways to spin my car out of control.

    And…

    “Can you please get us back to the hotel? It is dark and I don’t like being out after dark. Someone will see these out-of-state plates and knock us in the head.”

    Being knocked in the head doesn’t sound so bad right now.

     


  8. Don’t Mess with Anne Frank

    November 8, 2012 by C.

    Yes, she would.

     

     

     

    Phone rings.

    Me: “Hey, Mom. What’s up?

    Mom: “What in the hell is wrong with you?”

    Me: “High blood pressure, anemia, sleep apnea and anxiety issues over a book I am reading. Have you ever heard of a carnivorous island? Is that even possible? What if our soil becomes carnivorous and all that is left of us is our teeth wrapped up in leaves?”

    Long pause.

    Mom: “I am talking about making fun of Anne Frank. It is completely unacceptable. I am embarrassed that you would do such a thing. She is a martyr! I am guessing you have no idea who she is or what she went through. Unbelievable. What do you have to say for yourself?”

    Me: “I don’t recall making fun of Anne Frank and yes I know who she was and what she went through thank you very much. She invented the Frankfurter and I am really grateful because I love hot dogs.”

    Extremely long pause.

    Mom:  “You cannot be that stupid, can you? You made fun of her on Pinterest.”

    Me: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

    Mom: “It was a picture of Anne Frank that had “WTF” at the top.”

    The photo in question

    Me: “Did you click on the picture and read the whole thing?”

    Mom: “Oh no, I saw enough.”

    Me: “Well, if you had clicked on it you would have seen the rest of the text that read, “you guys read my diary???” You know like any teenage girl would react when she found out a bunch of people had read her diary?”

    Mom: “It is not funny at all. Leave Anne Frank alone. There is nothing funny about the Holocaust.”

    Click.

    I have to sneak on her computer and un-follow me on Pinterest so she doesn’t see what I pin anymore. Besides, looking at all her photos of Thor is kind of disturbing.

    Why did I think it was a great idea to get her a computer???

     


  9. Gnats and Gatling Guns

    October 3, 2012 by C.

    The Gatling Gun

     

     

     

    Mom called me at work today.

    “Something is going on out back.”

    As I have shared on many occasions she thinks we are living in the wilderness or something.

    “What is it Mom?”

    “The entire backyard is full of giant black birds and squirrels. I think the end is near or I am in a  re-make of “The Birds” only this time a few squirrels are involved.”

     

    I laughed and suggested she load up her BB gun and go out there.

    “Oh, no. I need a Gatling gun to deal with all the animals in our yard right now.”

    I had never heard of a Gatling gun before  so I Googled it after getting off the phone with her. Holy crap! I can just see this thing parked out on her deck next to the BBQ grill.

    When I walked in this evening I called to make sure she lived through the re-make of “The Birds + Squirrels”.

    “Have you noticed a large amount of gnats in your house?,” she asked.

    “Yes, I am trying a trick I saw on Pinterest to get rid of them,” I replied.

    “We have never had gnats this bad. I think it is because of all the animal crap in the backyard. Booger probably takes some big dumps considering his size.”

    ***She has nicknamed the baby grizzly bear (aka groundhog) living in the backyard and she picks Booger of all names.***

    “Hmmm, well Mom I don’t even know what to say to that. I am going to go now and see if I still have an appetite for dinner. Glad to know you survived your exciting day.”

    “Listen, before you go…I am going to need just a few more BBs.”

    Why can’t she take up knitting like a normal 60-something year old woman???

     


  10. Rambo Mama

    September 17, 2012 by C.

    “You’ll shoot your eye out!”

     

     

    Our backyard has become the most exciting place on earth.  After a few weeks, I was finally able to see the “baby grizzly bear” that was living in our backyard. I wanted to get close enough to get a picture but he would race under our storage shed when I walked out onto the deck.

    I am still not sure what it is but it is pretty big and scary looking. After getting a call every evening for several weeks from my mom to go out and shoot at it with my toy BB gun, I decided a BB gun of her own would be the perfect birthday gift for her.

    Of course, I had to buy a Red Ryder BB gun. We all loved the movie, “A Christmas Story” so it seemed like it would make it an even better gift to get the real deal. I went up to the Wal-mart checkout to pay for her present.

    Teen-age Checker: Can I ask why you are buying a BB gun?

    Me: It’s my mom’s birthday present.

    Teen-age Checker: You can’t be serious.

    Me: Yep, trust me she will love it. Our backyard is a wild kingdom and it will entertain her for hours to shoot at stuff in the yard. Plus it keeps her off QVC. Win-win situation.

    Strange old woman behind me in line: Every home should have a BB gun.

    Me: Damn right.

    I carry off my package with everyone giggling. I don’t care, I know she is going to love it.

    I was right. She was practically giddy when she was loading it up.

    Mom: No more worries. I will protect the home front.

    Me: Cool, mom. Just please don’t shoot the windows in the storage shed or shoot your eye out. (When exactly did I become the parent in this relationship?)

    Then I left her for several days without checking in. She called and invited me over for Sunday dinner.

    Mom: Well, I don’t think we will have to worry about the bear out back anymore.

    Me: Did you kill it????

    Mom: Oh no, but I am pretty sure I caused it to have a nervous breakdown. Could you get me more BBs the next time you go to Wal-mart?

    Me: I bought you 300 when I gave you the gun a week ago!

    Mom: I told you I caused it to have a nervous breakdown and leave. Grizzly bears don’t like it when it rains BBs.

    My mom has turned into Rambo. God help me.