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‘mom’ Category

  1. It Won’t Be the Same

    November 19, 2017 by C.

     

    I lost my Mom to cancer on October, 14th, 2017 and nothing has been the same since. This is not something I expected to go through this soon. My mother had just turned sixty-eight years old. She never had any real health issues for us to worry about. Before all of this hit, she was my neighbor, living next door to me in the duplex she owned and very rarely asked me for assistance with anything. But in July, she left her home via ambulance and little did we know at the time, was never to return home.

    It’s hard to understand why at times it just doesn’t seem real. This couldn’t have happened. And then something will make it real to me…images of her taking her last breath will pop in my head while driving to work, or going through the medical bills that are still coming in, or when flipping through my phone and seeing photos of her and then realizing why it hurts to look at them now.

    In a perfect world, I would just stay home and hide. Never leave the house. Put myself in a protective bubble and not allow others to breach it. The least of irritations set me off, angering me to a level I’ve never experienced. It can be something so simple, like my cell phone ringing. My biggest wish is just to be left alone. To not have to talk. Interacting with people is just so draining right now. I’m not sleeping well and I’m sure that has a bunch to do with all of this. Perhaps, a week of nothing but sleep would cure me, if I could actually go to sleep.

    The worst part of all of this is all the second guessing. I’m one of those strange people who would like to live/survive/thrive during something like a zombie apocalypse. I won’t quit until I have nothing left to give and I think I just expect that others are the same way. So of course, I wanted her to do chemo. She said she wanted to try the chemo and so we did. And I just can’t help but wonder was that the right decision. Did that expedite her death? She certainly wasn’t the same after trying it and we decided to stop. But maybe once was too much.

    The holidays are right around the corner and I just can’t deal with it right now. I don’t wish to participate. Rain check, please? But I will try. I will go through the motions, like I do every single day. I know it will be ok, I know it will get easier and that life goes on…blah, blah, blah. It will be ok but it will never be the same.

     

     


  2. An Interview With My Mom

    May 8, 2016 by C.

    Hope all the Moms out there have a wonderful day!

    Hope all the Moms out there have a wonderful day!

     

    Wow, long time no blog. I know, I know. But I have been BUSY! I am currently working on a book of my Typewriter Wisdoms and hope to have it released this fall. The Facebook fan page has taken off and takes up an enormous amount of time…but so worth it!

    I usually try to have my Mom write a blog post for Mother’s Day but the peeps from Facebook are so interested in her I thought it would be fun to have them send in some questions for her to answer and they did! Hope you all enjoy!

    1. From Pam Geeting Smith-What did you crave while pregnant with Chanin? How long were you in labor, was it a difficult birth? Was Chanin a difficult child or an angel?

    I craved fresh fruit and fruit juices when I was pregnant with Chanin. I was in labor (1st pain to here she is) for 11 hours. My little 8 lb. 11 oz. bundle of joy came breech (this I will never let her forget).
    She was the very best baby, a really good child growing up. Now her sister was totally the opposite.

    Hahahahahahahaha too bad for the little sister! (Editor’s note).

    2. From Shelley James— What is your proudest moment with Chanin?

    I don’t know that there is only one really proud moment, but her graduation from college would be right up there. Chanin worked full-time in my Dad’s restaurant starting from the age of 12, until we sold it. She was working 60 hours a week through college. Not many people could do that and get their degree, but she did it.

    3. From Maiya the Maniac—When you say your first curse word? When did Chanin?

    I didn’t swear until my 1st year in college. Chanin, on the other hand, was around 2-years-old. That’s all I really want to say about that.

    4. From Patricia Colville—What was the most embarrassing moment your daughter got you into?

    The day before my mother was coming for a visit, Chanin’s dad and I got into a very heated argument during dinner. Things went very fast. I believe I threw the pan of biscuits at him and he grabbed me and was restraining my hands. Unfortunately, Chanin saw this. Things got under control and quieted down. Divorce was not even mentioned during the argument. Her Dad and I both were ashamed of ourselves and we both tried to reassure her that this would never happen again. She seemed fine the next morning and her Dad and I were fine. I drove to Nashville to pick up my Mom around 10 am. Around 1 pm that afternoon, I received a call from the school principal, a personal friend of Charlie and I. He said Chanin had started crying at rest time after lunch telling her teacher that her Mom and Dad had a fight and that her Grandma was coming to take her, her sister and her Mom to Oklahoma because we were getting divorced. The teacher was upset, the principal was upset, Chanin was upset, I was upset and had to tell my Mom the whole thing. I had to go to the principal’s office!!! I was truly embarrassed as I should have been.

    5. From Deborah “The Artist” Lyons—-What is the first thing you would do during the zombie apocalypse?

    *laughs*

    Well, I have never really thought about it much. I guess I would just have to bend over and kiss my ass goodbye.

    Thanks everyone for sending in the questions!

    My Mom is a super awesome lady and has worked her butt off to take care of my sister and I. She spoils the hell out of her grandkids. She has never once asked for anything in return. And for that, I thank her because I am poor.

    Happy Mother’s Day, to the best Mom on the planet! I love you!

     


  3. Date Disaster

    August 10, 2014 by C.

    date

    I’m done.

     

     

    “I know it’s a little late, but would you like to meet me at Starbucks for a coffee or tea?” he asked.

    We had been talking via e-mails for a week and he had been asking me daily about meeting him somewhere in person.

    I suppose 8:30 pm is a little late when I have to be at work the next day, but surprisingly I wasn’t in my pjs yet. For once, I had on a decent looking shirt and I had just had my hair fluffed.

    “I would love to!” I responded.

    I met him inside, ordered my grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with soy milk and sat down with him at a table. I have to be honest, after he ordered a tall, non-fat latte with caramel drizzle, I almost bailed. I mean, what an obnoxious and annoying drink order…especially from a guy.

    Anywho, we decided to take a drive and since I have control issues, I drove. I had also had this really cool stereo installed in my car that I wanted to play with.

    So we drove around, switching out cds, talking and having a really great time. Other than that obnoxious drink order, I was really digging this guy. So many thoughts ran through my head as I drove through town…

    “Is it a requirement to wear a dress when you get married or are jean shorts ok?”

    “I hope he doesn’t expect my old uterus to poop out any kids for him.”

    “I hope he knows I am not putting out after one lousy Starbucks drink…what a tight-ass. I might want to reconsider this marriage.”

    Just a few blocks from dropping him off at his car, my cell phone rings through the stereo system via the bluetooth connection. I glanced at the screen and saw it was my mother. Then I glanced at the clock. Shit, it was 11 pm.

    I punched the receive call button and held my breath.

    “WHERE. ARE. YOU?” she asked.

    “Oh, just out driving around,” I replied.

    I looked over and he was staring out the window with a big grin on his face.

    Lovely.

    “It is after 11 at night and you have to work tomorrow! You haven’t even been at home tonight have you?”

    Please God. I beg of you. Just softly crash my car and have him whack his head on the dash just enough to cause some memory loss. All he will remember of this evening was that I look really good in pink and have excellent taste in music.

    “Yes, mom I was home between 7 and 8:30 tonight.”

    “Well, you are up to something. You normally tell me where you’re going. We will have a discussion about this tomorrow. Now, when you get home lock your door so Lurch doesn’t get in bed with you tonight. Good-bye.”

    The minute I hit the red disconnect button, he died laughing.

    He managed to choke out between belly laughs, “How old are you and who is Lurch???????”

    Yes, it’s true. I am a 43-year-old single woman and my mother just ruined the last shot I had at securing myself a husband.

    Does anyone have a cheap rocking chair I can buy to prepare for my days as an old maid???

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  4. Diets Suck

    June 15, 2014 by C.

    Grrrrrrrrr

    Grrrrrrrrr

     

     

     

    I’ve been on the diet from hell for about a month now. It has been pretty successful in that I have dropped close to twenty-five pounds in that time span. I feel so much better already, it just blows my mind.

    My reasons for starting the diet were many…but the main reason was a vacation I will go on in July with my eleven-year-old niece. I didn’t want to be tired and run down and not be able to do the things she wants to do. I don’t want her to have a crappy vacation because of me.  I just couldn’t live with that.

    Everyone has been very supportive. I have updated my Happy Pills page with my progress every Monday morning. The positive comments I get inspire me and keep me moving forward. It is really important to have positive feedback because I don’t get much of that at home.

    My mother came over one evening to tell me something (I am not sure why she doesn’t call, but whatever).  She asked about my weight loss and I told her all about it…feeling very proud of myself.

    She looked at me and said, “You know what would really help you…a breast reduction. Your back would feel so much better and I bet if you would just drop to a C cup, you would lose 20 pounds.”

    Isn’t that interesting? If you cut off some body parts you can lose weight.

    “Well, while we are at it how about we chop off both my arms…or maybe an arm and a leg. That would make me soooooo much lighter. What a great idea! Why didn’t I think of this sooner?” I replied.

    She stared at me for a few moments and finally responded, “smart ass” and got up from the couch and walked out of my house.

    I don’t care how much my brain weighs; she won’t be getting that removed. I need it in order to deal with her every day.

     


  5. Happy Birthday to My Mom

    September 8, 2013 by C.

    Love you!

    Love you!

     

     

    Today is my Mom’s birthday. Most of you feel like you know my Mom through my blog posts (I have tried to give her a break lately and not publish every funny little thing she says). She has a great sense of humor about being written about and so far hasn’t written me out of her will for it (this is something she likes to threaten us with if we don’t do what she wants lol).

    Today I would like to share a little more about my Mom (she is having heart failure right now reading this).

    My parents divorced when I was 9 years old. It was best for her to be near her family so we moved from Tennessee to Oklahoma. My Dad only had custody of us for one week at Christmas and a month in the summer due to the distance.

    Child support payments were not what they are today, so my Mom had to work her butt off to keep us afloat. My grandfather had purchased a restaurant and the manager was retiring. He asked my Mom to manage it for him. It was a good paycheck but very long, hard hours. Sometimes 14-16 hours a day, in a hot kitchen (we would put thermometers out in the summer to discover it would get to around 113 degrees in there), on concrete floors, working alongside some of the craziest people you could ever imagine. She did all of this for me and my sister.

    She sacrificed her personal life. She didn’t have time to date or go to movies or just hang out with her friends. The restaurant was open 7 days a week, breakfast, lunch and dinner. No day off for her at all. No hair appointments, doctor appointments or calling in sick. Basically, her life sucked.

    When we got old enough (roughly around age 12), my sister and I worked alongside her. Not the same hours of course, because we had to go to school during the day. It was then I really got to see just how much work my Mom had to do. We worked with my Mom until it was decided to sell the restaurant when I was 24 years old.

    It was a tough decision. I wanted to keep it. I was about to graduate from college and would be able to spend more time there helping Mom out. But Mom wouldn’t have it. She didn’t want the same life for me that she had had for so many years. I had a college degree and could have so much more of a life than dealing with a restaurant. So it was sold. At the time it truly broke my heart. I grew up in that place and had so many memories. I didn’t want to let go, but I had no other choice. Where would a 24-year-old kid get the money to buy a restaurant?

    I have never admitted this to my Mom, but I am glad she made me give it up. It was a hard life. I had never gone to a school dance, never had weekends off and I was able to attend only one high school football game (I think it was because it was on a Thursday night for some reason). My life is so much easier now, with weekends and holidays off. More time to spend with family and friends…to actually enjoy myself. So, thank you, Mom.

    She is the best Mom and especially the best Grandma to my niece and nephew. She spoils them with clothes and toys all the time. I am not sure they are fully aware of all the sacrifices Grandma made for all of us, but hopefully sometime I can sit them down and tell them when I know they will be able to understand it.

    Happy Birthday to the best Mom ever! We love you and won’t ever forget all you sacrificed for us to have a better life.

    Love,

    Chanin and Brennen


  6. Grammys with a Granny

    February 14, 2013 by C.

    And the Grammy goes to...

    And the Grammy goes to…

     

     

     

    I love watching the Grammy Awards. Music is one of my most favorite things in the world and nothing gives me more pleasure than to watch all of these incredible musicians dress up and come out to jam. Bruno Mars with Sting was one of my favorite performances of the night. Overall, I think it was one of the better Grammy shows I have seen in years.

    The evening after the show I stopped by my Mom’s house. We had a little chat about the Grammy Awards.

    Mom: I really enjoyed the Grammys last night. There were several groups I had never heard of but I really like them now.

    Me: Like whom?

    Mom: Well, Munford and Sons…they were really good. That lead singer, Munford, I guess…he looks a lot like Tim Tebow. Oh, and the group that got rained on…what is their name?

    Me: Fun. Mom, it’s Mumford and Sons.

    Mom: Oh,ok. There is one more…I just can’t think of their name.

    Me: What did they look like? Or hum the song, I will help you figure it out.

    Mom: It was something like, “Hey ho!” The lead singer had his microphone pointed up high and when he had his mouth open he looked like he was ready to catch a grape in his mouth. It was weird, but I liked their song.

    Holy crap, she is right!

    Holy crap, she is right!

    Me: They are The Lumineers.

    Mom: That’s right…I knew their name started with an L. Is that a song about soliciting a prostitute? I would hate to tell people I like that song if that’s what it’s about.

    Me: Wow, it’s getting late. I better head home.

    I can’t wait to report on all her comments after our annual Academy Awards party. Of course, if she reads this and gets crabby (like she normally does when I blog about the things she says) I might have to watch it alone.

     

     


  7. Mother Masked Me

    January 25, 2013 by C.

    WTH???

    WTH???

     

     

     

    This evening I got to the hotel and mother was being snarky so I had to put her in her place.

    “I believe I am footing the bill for this hotel room so when I come in after a hard day at work I expect my bed turned down and my slippers waiting by the door.”

    “Chanin, you are not footing the bill for this hotel. The company you work for is.”

    “Same diff. I didn’t see you whipping out any plastic at check-in so I expect you to get with it and make my stay much more pleasurable for the last week we are here or you will immediately be placed in an old folks home once we arrive back home.”

    She just glared at me.

    I have injured my back and pretty much get doped up on muscle relaxers once I get in for the evening. I got out my head pad and leaned back against it to watch a few episodes of Downton Abbey.

    I had my headphones in and was all involved in the show (Lord Anthony was ditching poor Edith at the alter…what an old bastard!). I see my mom moving pretty quickly for her age out of the corner of my eye. Next thing I know she is on top of me with a tube of something smearing it all over my face. Being half-doped, depressed for poor Edith and in pain, I really had no chance to get out of her death grip.

    Through my Downton soundtrack, I hear her say that I am getting older and need to take much better care of my skin (she has been saying this since I was 12). Could these drugs be so good that I am imagining all of this? Who attacks their daughter with a facial mask???

    Someone not in their right mind and on their way to the old folks home, that’s who.

    To make matters worse she is laughing so hard she starts farting. At this point I am praying the pain in my back gets so bad I will lose consciousness.

    When she finally releases me, she says in her snarky voice, “Now snap a picture of that and share it on Facebook with all your friends.”

    So I did…well not on Facebook, but on my blog. She really doesn’t know the difference between the two so does it really matter?


  8. Me and Mom Be Trippin’

    January 20, 2013 by C.

    Ohhhhh early bird dinner specials! Yea!

    Ohhhhh early bird dinner specials! Yea!

     

     

     

     

    As of today, I am starting on my 3rd week in Springfield, Ohio. When I was first told that I was going (for a week), my mom mentioned it might be fun for her to go along and she would pay her own way etc, etc. That was fine with me but then a few days before leaving it was turned into being gone for 2 weeks. I honestly thought she would want to stay home. I mean hell, I didn’t even want to go for a week, let alone for 2.

    Surprisingly, she said she still wanted to go. After being in Springfield for 3 days, this 2 week stay then turned into staying for a month. I volunteered to drive her home on a Saturday and drive back alone on a Sunday but she didn’t want to leave. She said she didn’t like the idea of my being alone all this time in a strange city. I am 41-years-old for shits sake!

    So here I sit, sharing a hotel room with my mom for 2 more weeks. The most disturbing part of this is that I am starting to act more and more like an old lady. Here are the new habits I have picked up from spending so much time with her…

     

    I like to have had my dinner no later than 6 pm. We have a routine where I get off work and pull up in front of the hotel, then we immediately go to wherever she has picked for dinner. Most nights it is a place that offers an early bird dinner special. She gets very excited about this because she boxes up part of it for her lunch the next day and saves money.

    I am in my pajamas by 7:30. Lights out usually by 9:30. At home, I was up past 11 every night.

    Laying out all of my medication the night before I need it. Thinking of getting a pill-box soon to match Mom’s.

    Bitching about all my hotel neighbors.”Seriously, another damn kids birthday party at the pool??? There is water all over the floor and someone is going to fall and break a hip!”

    There are things she does that I have not picked up on because frankly it freaks me out. Her evening treat is to get on my laptop (because she cannot figure out how to connect to the hotel Wi-Fi when I am not here) and getting online to look at the obituaries in our hometown online newspaper. Why do people look at this stuff? If a  friend or family member died, I would hope someone would notify you and you would not have to find out about it online. Why care about the deaths of complete strangers? This is what I hear every night, “Chanin, a 2-year-old baby died. Is that not horrible?”

    “Yes, it is horrible.”

    “Awwww and a 32-year-old woman. That is just too young to die. Oh, and she had kids! Those poor babies.”

    I got tired of listening to the stories of the dead strangers so I got out my tablet one night and filled my ears with headphones, watching a video. She just continued talking to me. I couldn’t hear what she was saying but I heard her voice just talking away about something…probably a homeless man died or something.

    Then there are her motherly warnings that are getting old now…

    We have been very fortunate and not had any snow while we have been here. But every morning, she gets up to warn me about black ice. I am not sure where this mystery black ice has come from but it is something that shows up during the night, every single night, just waiting out there on the highways to spin my car out of control.

    And…

    “Can you please get us back to the hotel? It is dark and I don’t like being out after dark. Someone will see these out-of-state plates and knock us in the head.”

    Being knocked in the head doesn’t sound so bad right now.

     


  9. Don’t Mess with Anne Frank

    November 8, 2012 by C.

    Yes, she would.

     

     

     

    Phone rings.

    Me: “Hey, Mom. What’s up?

    Mom: “What in the hell is wrong with you?”

    Me: “High blood pressure, anemia, sleep apnea and anxiety issues over a book I am reading. Have you ever heard of a carnivorous island? Is that even possible? What if our soil becomes carnivorous and all that is left of us is our teeth wrapped up in leaves?”

    Long pause.

    Mom: “I am talking about making fun of Anne Frank. It is completely unacceptable. I am embarrassed that you would do such a thing. She is a martyr! I am guessing you have no idea who she is or what she went through. Unbelievable. What do you have to say for yourself?”

    Me: “I don’t recall making fun of Anne Frank and yes I know who she was and what she went through thank you very much. She invented the Frankfurter and I am really grateful because I love hot dogs.”

    Extremely long pause.

    Mom:  “You cannot be that stupid, can you? You made fun of her on Pinterest.”

    Me: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

    Mom: “It was a picture of Anne Frank that had “WTF” at the top.”

    The photo in question

    Me: “Did you click on the picture and read the whole thing?”

    Mom: “Oh no, I saw enough.”

    Me: “Well, if you had clicked on it you would have seen the rest of the text that read, “you guys read my diary???” You know like any teenage girl would react when she found out a bunch of people had read her diary?”

    Mom: “It is not funny at all. Leave Anne Frank alone. There is nothing funny about the Holocaust.”

    Click.

    I have to sneak on her computer and un-follow me on Pinterest so she doesn’t see what I pin anymore. Besides, looking at all her photos of Thor is kind of disturbing.

    Why did I think it was a great idea to get her a computer???

     


  10. Gnats and Gatling Guns

    October 3, 2012 by C.

    The Gatling Gun

     

     

     

    Mom called me at work today.

    “Something is going on out back.”

    As I have shared on many occasions she thinks we are living in the wilderness or something.

    “What is it Mom?”

    “The entire backyard is full of giant black birds and squirrels. I think the end is near or I am in a  re-make of “The Birds” only this time a few squirrels are involved.”

     

    I laughed and suggested she load up her BB gun and go out there.

    “Oh, no. I need a Gatling gun to deal with all the animals in our yard right now.”

    I had never heard of a Gatling gun before  so I Googled it after getting off the phone with her. Holy crap! I can just see this thing parked out on her deck next to the BBQ grill.

    When I walked in this evening I called to make sure she lived through the re-make of “The Birds + Squirrels”.

    “Have you noticed a large amount of gnats in your house?,” she asked.

    “Yes, I am trying a trick I saw on Pinterest to get rid of them,” I replied.

    “We have never had gnats this bad. I think it is because of all the animal crap in the backyard. Booger probably takes some big dumps considering his size.”

    ***She has nicknamed the baby grizzly bear (aka groundhog) living in the backyard and she picks Booger of all names.***

    “Hmmm, well Mom I don’t even know what to say to that. I am going to go now and see if I still have an appetite for dinner. Glad to know you survived your exciting day.”

    “Listen, before you go…I am going to need just a few more BBs.”

    Why can’t she take up knitting like a normal 60-something year old woman???

     


  11. Rambo Mama

    September 17, 2012 by C.

    “You’ll shoot your eye out!”

     

     

    Our backyard has become the most exciting place on earth.  After a few weeks, I was finally able to see the “baby grizzly bear” that was living in our backyard. I wanted to get close enough to get a picture but he would race under our storage shed when I walked out onto the deck.

    I am still not sure what it is but it is pretty big and scary looking. After getting a call every evening for several weeks from my mom to go out and shoot at it with my toy BB gun, I decided a BB gun of her own would be the perfect birthday gift for her.

    Of course, I had to buy a Red Ryder BB gun. We all loved the movie, “A Christmas Story” so it seemed like it would make it an even better gift to get the real deal. I went up to the Wal-mart checkout to pay for her present.

    Teen-age Checker: Can I ask why you are buying a BB gun?

    Me: It’s my mom’s birthday present.

    Teen-age Checker: You can’t be serious.

    Me: Yep, trust me she will love it. Our backyard is a wild kingdom and it will entertain her for hours to shoot at stuff in the yard. Plus it keeps her off QVC. Win-win situation.

    Strange old woman behind me in line: Every home should have a BB gun.

    Me: Damn right.

    I carry off my package with everyone giggling. I don’t care, I know she is going to love it.

    I was right. She was practically giddy when she was loading it up.

    Mom: No more worries. I will protect the home front.

    Me: Cool, mom. Just please don’t shoot the windows in the storage shed or shoot your eye out. (When exactly did I become the parent in this relationship?)

    Then I left her for several days without checking in. She called and invited me over for Sunday dinner.

    Mom: Well, I don’t think we will have to worry about the bear out back anymore.

    Me: Did you kill it????

    Mom: Oh no, but I am pretty sure I caused it to have a nervous breakdown. Could you get me more BBs the next time you go to Wal-mart?

    Me: I bought you 300 when I gave you the gun a week ago!

    Mom: I told you I caused it to have a nervous breakdown and leave. Grizzly bears don’t like it when it rains BBs.

    My mom has turned into Rambo. God help me.

     

     

     

     


  12. My Backyard = The Wild Kingdom

    July 23, 2012 by C.

    How can this precious thing chew my ass off?

     

     

    Mom called me last night.

    “Have you taken a look in the backyard lately?? she asked.

    Mom and I live in a duplex. She has one side and I have the other. Our backyard is one big open area surrounded by a privacy fence.

    “Nope. What’s up?” I asked.

    “There is something very large living in our backyard. It has destroyed your pool, opened up the storage shed doors and flipped over patio furniture. I saw it. Damn thing is HUGE. I think it must weigh at least 40 pounds, ” she says.

    Both of the fence gates are padlocked. The only way for an animal to enter our yard would be to belly crawl under the fence or they build an animal cheer pyramid and the top animal back-flips over.

    “What did it look like?” I ask.

    “Very large and brown and scary looking. I know you…you are just wanting to go out there and confront it. Well don’t. That damn thing will eat your ass off!” she said.

    I don’t know how I stop myself from bursting out laughing when she says things like this because she is so serious.

    “Mom, do you think it could have been a ground-hog?” I calmly asked.

    “Ground hog? Are you nuts? Those don’t get as big as this thing is,” she replied.

    “They are pretty big, Mom. But it is probably a baby grizzly bear or something, because that is more likely,” I said.

    ” Don’t get smart with me! I don’t know what it is, but the next time I see it I am calling those animal control people to come get it. DON’T YOU DARE GO OUT IN THAT YARD FOR ANYTHING!” she said.

    I got off the phone with her and snuck out in the backyard (you might be able to hear her screaming when she reads this…just be thankful she still hasn’t figured out how to leave comments).  I did take a baseball bat with me just in case.

    That is heavy lifting for an animal.

     

     

    Whatever this thing is, it had somehow moved all these concrete blocks that were wedged to hold the storage shed door closed. Impressive no matter what kind of animal we are talking about.

     

     

    Then I went over to inspect my giant swimming pool. Ok, it is a sad little pool, but it is hotter than hell here and sometimes it is just nice to float around in 90 degree water.

     

    You little bastard!

     

     

     

    This pool was 10 feet wide and 3 feet deep, but no more. Mom’s theory is it jumped on my pool trying to get to some water. Its large bear claws shredded my pool and deflated it. I guess all my summer fun is over because I am not filling it up again. Bastard bear ruined my summer.

     

    It also looks like the bear tried to sunbathe in my chair after his swim in my pool. The giant groundhog must have scared him away in such a hurry, he flipped the chair over backwards.

     

    Ground hogs are very scary

     

     

    I inspected the whole yard and found nothing. I was prepared to battle a baby grizzly, chupacabra or an anaconda. Whatever it was, it is long gone now, but I hope it visits again just to get my mom wound up. She says some funny stuff when stressed. You would think she would have learned by now that I write what she says on my blog. Or maybe she is enjoying being an internet star and is coming up with this stuff on purpose. Maybe she will leave a comment and let us know which it is. BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

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  13. Why I Am Still Scared of My Mother

    June 8, 2012 by C.

     

     

     I was raised in our family restaurant. One of these days, when I can sit down and focus on those years, I would bet I have enough stories to fill at least three books.  There was always something going on.

     This is one of my favorite stories. It is involves my mom and grandfather during one of their more insane moments.

     You would be surprised to know how often customers walk out without paying their bill. Occasionally, it would be someone who sincerely just forgot and those are easy to remedy fairly quickly.

    Unfortunately the majority of people are trying to get a free meal. We pretty much considered these people scum of the earth. I am not talking about a homeless person that is starving…we would always take care of those folks and not expect a dime. It is the people who come in and bring a group with them, order the biggest steaks on the menu and drink more than Lindsay Lohan could in a week.

    They were sly. One would go to the bathroom, then the second person. Finally the last person would get up and sneak out at our busiest moments. It was these people that we would chase after. Chasing after “walkers” was one of my favorite things about working in our restaurant.

    A waitress would run back to the kitchen and scream, “Walkers! We have walkers going out the back!”

    Everyone and I mean everyone would ensue pursuit out the back door. But the day this particular incident happened, my mom and grandfather were the first two to discover this guy had walked and he was running. My mom takes off after him with my grandfather in hot pursuit. The man hits the back door and is in a full on sprint. They know they will never ever catch him and that just won’t do. So my grandfather screams, “Shoot him! Just shoot his ass!”

    To which my mother replies, “I’ve got the gun!”

    We didn’t even keep a gun on the property. The man dropped to his knees, putting his hands behind his head and started whimpering, “Oh my GOD! Oh my GOD! Please don’t shoot me, lady!”

    By this time the entire staff has surrounded him on the parking lot and he sees they don’t have a gun. To say the man was a little angry is a huge understatement.

    During his barrage of profanities, my mother lost her temper and slapped the man in the face. Hard.

    “Oh lady, you are gonna pay for that. I am going to have the police arrest you when they get here.”

    “Really? How many witnesses do you think we have here that will back up your story? Hmmm…I don’t see any. I seriously doubt they will believe such a thing from a man who just stole from a restaurant.”

    The police arrived and the man tried to have them haul my mom off too, but of course they didn’t listen to him. As my mom and grandpa were walking back into the restaurant, my grandpa looked at my mom and said, “You know, this is supposed to be fun. I think you might be taking this a little too seriously. Try to relax and have more fun with the next one.”


  14. A Letter to a Much Younger Me

    June 3, 2012 by C.

    Stop letting your mother dress you like that!

     

     

     

    Listen up young Chanin,

    You are now 40 and looking back there are so many things you could have done better, not done at all or saved yourself from worrying so much. You are such a serious kid. Far too scared of your parents for your own good (learn to deal with this…Mom is still pretty scary…this won’t get better).

    It is ok to not behave so perfectly all the time. This is the best time of your life. Let me repeat that, this is really truly the best time of your life. You have no bills to pay, no responsibilities, no back problems, acid reflux from hell and running is fun for you, not like now when you only run if Hannibal Lecter is chasing you.

    So my dear, here are a few tips to help you out in the future.

     

    • Save your money. When you turn 40, there will be a report that comes out that says all the money you have paid into Social Security will be gone by the time you turn 60. You will need every extra penny you can find. In this case, it is ok for you to steal change from Dad’s dresser. He won’t miss it and you will need it someday.
    • Invest in Apple stock. I know you have no clue what this is, but all that money you saved should be used to buy as much stock as possible in this company. Trust me.
    • You picked a great football team to worship. The Pittsburgh Steelers won’t ever let you down (well except for the 80’s and half of the 90’s, but at least you didn’t pick the Detroit Lions to root for).
    • When your parents divorce (Oops, sorry kid. Don’t worry though, it means you get double Christmas and birthday presents and you won’t have to listen to anymore fighting) strap your Star Wars figures to your chest like a bomb and fill a backpack up with the vehicles and Death Star. Don’t rely on one of the parents to pack these for you because they will disappear forever. These will be worth so much money when you are older and worth the effort.
    • Don’t complain about working all those hours at the family restaurant. The work you do will instill an amazing work ethic in you that most people do not have these days. It will make every single job you have after that seem like a walk in the park. It is very difficult to work with family, but you will find when you are older those days at the restaurant are some of your very best memories.
    • Love yourself. Don’t care so much what other people think of you. You are actually pretty cool.
    • You cannot change people. Stop wasting your time trying to fix other people. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want fixed.
    • Stop trying to kill your little sister (feeding her poisonous flower stems and tossing her out of a go-cart at high rates of speed). You will need each other to get through some tough times in the future. She will stop acting like a big dork…don’t worry.
    • You will make a decision to not have children. This is the best choice you possibly have ever made. You would be in prison right now. Prison is very similar to being sent to your room as punishment except they never let you out and there are no Star Wars figures to play with to make the time go by faster. Avoid prison.
    • Don’t complain about your braces. You did not have to pay for them and having nice teeth will be very important one day.
    • Stick with the guitar lessons. Yes, I know he wanted to train you to play classical music and your fingers were bleeding from all the practice you did, but people who play guitar get lots of action and travel the world doing something fun.
    • Set goals for yourself. Otherwise, you are going to muddle through your first 35 years with no clue what you want and no idea where you are going.
    • Friends are very important. Don’t blow them off when some hot mess comes calling. Hot messes are just that. Friends are forever yours if you treat them right.

    Last but not least, Chanin. Be grateful for everything in your life each and every day. You are a blessed young lady and you will have lots of cool experiences (don’t poop your britches but you will go to the Grammy Awards). If you are a grateful, positive person, people will always want to be around you.

    You can be whatever you want to be. There are no limits in this life with the right attitude. All you have to do is believe in yourself.

    With much love,

    The older and wiser Chanin


  15. Memories Of "Only The Best Darn Mom In The Whole Wide World"

    May 13, 2012 by C.

    I look real thrilled to have a sister huh??

    As part of her Mother’s Day gift, I asked my mom to write a blog post and I would put it on here no matter what embarrassing stories she might tell. As much as it pains me to release stories about my imaginary friends, I will keep my promise. Happy Mother’s Day to all you ladies out there!

    Mom Memories—

    I may have overstated my afore mentioned title, but when you’ve raised the greatest two women in the world, it’s hard to be humble.
    I was asked if I have any special memories of my girls. Are you joking? Of course I do and I need to tell you before I suffer another memory lapse.
    My first born, my wonder child, my little sunshine, the apple of my critical eye, the joy of my life, my little genius (Are you getting the picture?) was my Chanin Bohannin. Nicknamed by her maternal Grandpa.
    By the time Chan turned 3 years old, I finally realized she was possibly a little on the lonely side since she was still an only child. This came to my attention when I heard her playing alone in her room and she was having a conversation with her cousin, “Ike-Ike”. You see Chan lived in Tennessee and Ike-Ike lived in Oklahoma. I thought we live in an older neighborhood-all our friends were older with much older children and she was still an only child. This is just a phase I thought.
    After a few months passed, she concocted an invisible puppy. Puppy went with us everywhere riding in Chan’s pocket. Puppy (which was the puppy’s name) became a very important part of our family. He was fed, brushed, walked and played with everyday for months.
    A few more months passed and Puppy was still there, but a new “friend” came on the scene. Chan was playing in her room on a cold rainy morning and again I heard her side of a full-blown conversation. When I asked if she was talking to Puppy or Ike-Ike, she said, “No. I have a new friend…Fat Albert.”
    So I asked her, “Where is Fat Albert because I don’t see him?”
    She informed me that Fat Albert was hiding because he only wanted her, Puppy and Ike-Ike to be his friend.
    “Mom you are too old to be friends with Fat Albert,” she said.
    Fat Albert was with us for another year when Chan was presented with her beautiful baby sister, Brennen. Since Chanin had demanded a baby brother, Baby Brennen was not accepted in that lovely southern lady-like manner I had expected Chan to display. Chanin suddenly started behaving like “The Bad Seed.”
    You may wonder, “Are your daughters close now?” Well, of course. Chanin finally grew out of all that nonsense. Of course that was after years of therapy for both of the girls. You know what they say-“It’s always the mother’s fault”.
    Love you Chanin and Brennen more than you will ever realize.
    Happy Mother’s Day to Me!!!!!