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‘money’ Category

  1. Million Dollar TV

    June 23, 2012 by C.

    Carter Oosterhouse= hot handyman

     

     

     

     

    Like most women, I watch my fair share of HGTV. A show that I look forward to each week is “Million Dollar Rooms” hosted by hottie Carter Oosterhouse. It airs on Tuesday  nights 7:30pm central. Aside from the eye-candy host, it completely amuses me to see what people are stupid enough to waste their money on.

    I try to put myself in their position. My bank account has millions of dollars in it just sitting around on shelves in the vault, so why not blow it on a rock-climbing wall in my house? Or heck, let’s just put a zoo in our backyard. The grand-kids will love it until the monkey mistakes their little fingers for miniature bananas.

    Indoor basketball and tennis courts, 50’s diners, massage rooms, disco rooms, massive aquariums, shooting range, movie theaters, bowling alleys and last but not least a $10 million dollar indoor pool room. With $10 million to spend on one room of my house, I am afraid I would put in a Papa John’s and Walgreens so I would never have to leave the house again.

    Every episode has me wondering what in the hell these people do for a living to afford all this useless stuff? Many of the homes were shown by real estate brokers and you don’t get to see the actual owner (I assume this is because they are horribly embarrassed by what they have wasted their money on and don’t want beaten up the next time they are shopping at Sam’s Club). They must have invented something awesome like the Boyfriend Pillow.

     

     

     

    I mean seriously…this is freaking awesome. Splash a little cologne on the shirt (not sure why he didn’t come wearing a pajama top, but I went ahead and made one for him myself) and  you really never need a man around except for killing rodents.

    Clearly I did not pass Home Economics class.

    Now, where was I? Oh yes, people spending their money on stupid shit. One episode had Barbi Benton sharing her tacky house off to the cameras. You remember Barbi…she was in Playboy back in the 70’s and is known for her “Hee Haw” appearances. This episode proves that all the money in the world cannot buy you an ounce of decorating taste. If you don’t believe me, let me show you what her front yard looks like.

    WTF??????????????????????

     

    While I don’t know these people and what they do with the rest of their money, it just seems they could find something better to do with it. Donate it, start a charity, see the world or just give it to me.


  2. Why I Am Still Scared of My Mother

    June 8, 2012 by C.

     

     

     I was raised in our family restaurant. One of these days, when I can sit down and focus on those years, I would bet I have enough stories to fill at least three books.  There was always something going on.

     This is one of my favorite stories. It is involves my mom and grandfather during one of their more insane moments.

     You would be surprised to know how often customers walk out without paying their bill. Occasionally, it would be someone who sincerely just forgot and those are easy to remedy fairly quickly.

    Unfortunately the majority of people are trying to get a free meal. We pretty much considered these people scum of the earth. I am not talking about a homeless person that is starving…we would always take care of those folks and not expect a dime. It is the people who come in and bring a group with them, order the biggest steaks on the menu and drink more than Lindsay Lohan could in a week.

    They were sly. One would go to the bathroom, then the second person. Finally the last person would get up and sneak out at our busiest moments. It was these people that we would chase after. Chasing after “walkers” was one of my favorite things about working in our restaurant.

    A waitress would run back to the kitchen and scream, “Walkers! We have walkers going out the back!”

    Everyone and I mean everyone would ensue pursuit out the back door. But the day this particular incident happened, my mom and grandfather were the first two to discover this guy had walked and he was running. My mom takes off after him with my grandfather in hot pursuit. The man hits the back door and is in a full on sprint. They know they will never ever catch him and that just won’t do. So my grandfather screams, “Shoot him! Just shoot his ass!”

    To which my mother replies, “I’ve got the gun!”

    We didn’t even keep a gun on the property. The man dropped to his knees, putting his hands behind his head and started whimpering, “Oh my GOD! Oh my GOD! Please don’t shoot me, lady!”

    By this time the entire staff has surrounded him on the parking lot and he sees they don’t have a gun. To say the man was a little angry is a huge understatement.

    During his barrage of profanities, my mother lost her temper and slapped the man in the face. Hard.

    “Oh lady, you are gonna pay for that. I am going to have the police arrest you when they get here.”

    “Really? How many witnesses do you think we have here that will back up your story? Hmmm…I don’t see any. I seriously doubt they will believe such a thing from a man who just stole from a restaurant.”

    The police arrived and the man tried to have them haul my mom off too, but of course they didn’t listen to him. As my mom and grandpa were walking back into the restaurant, my grandpa looked at my mom and said, “You know, this is supposed to be fun. I think you might be taking this a little too seriously. Try to relax and have more fun with the next one.”


  3. A Letter to a Much Younger Me

    June 3, 2012 by C.

    Stop letting your mother dress you like that!

     

     

     

    Listen up young Chanin,

    You are now 40 and looking back there are so many things you could have done better, not done at all or saved yourself from worrying so much. You are such a serious kid. Far too scared of your parents for your own good (learn to deal with this…Mom is still pretty scary…this won’t get better).

    It is ok to not behave so perfectly all the time. This is the best time of your life. Let me repeat that, this is really truly the best time of your life. You have no bills to pay, no responsibilities, no back problems, acid reflux from hell and running is fun for you, not like now when you only run if Hannibal Lecter is chasing you.

    So my dear, here are a few tips to help you out in the future.

     

    • Save your money. When you turn 40, there will be a report that comes out that says all the money you have paid into Social Security will be gone by the time you turn 60. You will need every extra penny you can find. In this case, it is ok for you to steal change from Dad’s dresser. He won’t miss it and you will need it someday.
    • Invest in Apple stock. I know you have no clue what this is, but all that money you saved should be used to buy as much stock as possible in this company. Trust me.
    • You picked a great football team to worship. The Pittsburgh Steelers won’t ever let you down (well except for the 80’s and half of the 90’s, but at least you didn’t pick the Detroit Lions to root for).
    • When your parents divorce (Oops, sorry kid. Don’t worry though, it means you get double Christmas and birthday presents and you won’t have to listen to anymore fighting) strap your Star Wars figures to your chest like a bomb and fill a backpack up with the vehicles and Death Star. Don’t rely on one of the parents to pack these for you because they will disappear forever. These will be worth so much money when you are older and worth the effort.
    • Don’t complain about working all those hours at the family restaurant. The work you do will instill an amazing work ethic in you that most people do not have these days. It will make every single job you have after that seem like a walk in the park. It is very difficult to work with family, but you will find when you are older those days at the restaurant are some of your very best memories.
    • Love yourself. Don’t care so much what other people think of you. You are actually pretty cool.
    • You cannot change people. Stop wasting your time trying to fix other people. You can’t fix someone who doesn’t want fixed.
    • Stop trying to kill your little sister (feeding her poisonous flower stems and tossing her out of a go-cart at high rates of speed). You will need each other to get through some tough times in the future. She will stop acting like a big dork…don’t worry.
    • You will make a decision to not have children. This is the best choice you possibly have ever made. You would be in prison right now. Prison is very similar to being sent to your room as punishment except they never let you out and there are no Star Wars figures to play with to make the time go by faster. Avoid prison.
    • Don’t complain about your braces. You did not have to pay for them and having nice teeth will be very important one day.
    • Stick with the guitar lessons. Yes, I know he wanted to train you to play classical music and your fingers were bleeding from all the practice you did, but people who play guitar get lots of action and travel the world doing something fun.
    • Set goals for yourself. Otherwise, you are going to muddle through your first 35 years with no clue what you want and no idea where you are going.
    • Friends are very important. Don’t blow them off when some hot mess comes calling. Hot messes are just that. Friends are forever yours if you treat them right.

    Last but not least, Chanin. Be grateful for everything in your life each and every day. You are a blessed young lady and you will have lots of cool experiences (don’t poop your britches but you will go to the Grammy Awards). If you are a grateful, positive person, people will always want to be around you.

    You can be whatever you want to be. There are no limits in this life with the right attitude. All you have to do is believe in yourself.

    With much love,

    The older and wiser Chanin


  4. Pay Day Might Kill You

    July 6, 2011 by C.

    A study in the “Journal of Public Economics” states that the mortality rate increases for people the week after pay day. 


    Four major groups were studied-military personnel, senior citizens on Social Security, families receiving tax rebates and recipients of Alaska’s Permanent Fund dividends. The largest causes of death the week after pay day were heart attacks, substance abuse and accidents.


    “After getting paid, people are just more active — they go out to dinner, head to the store, drive more, go to bars, etc.,” said Evans. “Some of this behavior is inherently risky, like drinking too much or driving drunk. Some of the activity will naturally increase risk — if you drive more, the risk of being in a car accident has increased.”


    This actually makes sense when you think about it. The more money you have to spend the more you are out and about buying Jack Daniels and racing your Segway around the old folks home. 


    I have decided to take action to prevent this sort of thing. I am never leaving the house again. I can buy pretty much anything I would ever need online and have it delivered right to my door. I could get a job working from home. I have heard those envelope licking home jobs aren’t too bad…sign me up! My pay check can be direct deposited so I never have to go to the bank. My bills can be paid online. Papa John’s delivers. Movies can be ordered on demand and you can even get video games delivered to your home. Books can be ordered through my Nook. For enough money I could even have Poison in concert in my backyard (surely you have figured out by now Bret Michaels will do anything for money). I sure do love this country. 


    So be careful out there people. When Granny gets paid, everyone is in danger.