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‘mothers’ Category

  1. Aging Crazily

    October 3, 2016 by C.

     

    Hey, everybody!

    Hey, everybody!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    As I get older, I’m becoming more aware that I’ll be a lunatic when I hit my sixties. How do I know this as fact? Well, my Mom and all my friend’s mothers are complete whack jobs in their sixties and my generation has eaten far more processed foods, been a million times more stressed, slept less, and done many more drugs, so in actuality we will probably be even crazier than they are in around twenty years.

     

    Now, this should make me a more sympathetic person to the aging mothers in my life, but quite the opposite. I strive to make them even more insane and bewildered. Let me give you a great example…

     

    I have a friend who made the HUGE mistake of dragging along her sixty-something mother on a vacation to the beach. On the first day, they decide to tour a fort that was on an island they were going to hang out on for the day. It was a gorgeous day and the fort was on the way to the other side of the island where they would lounge all day long on the beach, swimming and collecting seashells with the kids. Sounds marvelous, right? Well, old Mom took a tumble down the stairs in the fort tower and broke her femur (she tells everyone she broke her “FEMA” and they stare at her wondering why this woman needed FEMA assistance and how in the world she broke them). An emergency Coast Guard rescue from the island, surgery to place a rod in her leg, an extended vacation in a hospital room nowhere near the beach, not to mention a blown budget and you have a really craptastic vacation spent with good old Mom. Yay!

     

    After a grueling car trip home with doped up Mom and two kids who were wishing they had been born into another family, my friend made it home in one piece. Her main goal was to just get her mom home and things would be so much easier. Wrong! Mom’s a widow with no one to look out for her so my friend and her children took shifts watching over her because she was on a walker and had to have someone follow her around on it. Not to mention, help give her baths, fix her food, do her laundry and various other household tasks, shop for her groceries, get more pain meds from the pharmacy, take her to follow-up doctor appointments and take her to physical therapy three days a week. That hospital stay seemed like a spa week at this rate.

     

    Here’s where I come in…

    Being such a kind and generous human being, and hearing that her Mom was having horrible hallucinations on a certain pain medication, I ran right over to bring dinner for them all just so I could witness and perhaps help out with this hallucination problem (aka make her feel like she’s crazier than she really is or at least join in on the fun).

     

    It didn’t take long. She opened up her box of food I had brought in and started chowing. About halfway through, she froze, staring off across the living room floor.

    “Do you see that rat sitting over there in the corner?” she whispered.

    This was the chance I had been waiting for!

    “Yes, yes, I see it! Where do you keep your broom, Gertrude (I have changed her name to protect her innocence)?” I shouted.

    Both of the kids immediately left the room covering the giggling noises coming from their mouths.

    “In the kitchen…there’s a cabinet to the left of the refrigerator. Please hurry…it’s sitting over there smiling at me,” she responded.

    “Nothing worse than a cocky rat. I’ll beat that smile right off his face!” I replied.

    I ran off to the kitchen and grabbed the broom. I took confident strides back into the living room, ready to smash me an invisible rat (I would like to admit at this point, had it been a real rat, I would have left the premises upon first sight). I stood in the corner and beat her carpet with that broom until she screamed, “You got him! You killed that rat! Thank you so much!”

    This was the most fun I’d had in a long time. I was someone’s hero for doing absolutely nothing. As I returned to my chair, my friend rolled her eyes at me and mouthed, “STOP IT.”

    I stayed a little longer and Gertrude looks at me and says, “Can you turn on the Foxfire?”

    “Um, pardon?”

    “I don’t know what I did with that thingie. Can you turn on the Foxfire for me? And Bessie, (my friend’s name has also been changed to protect her innocence), could you please bring me some Ibupropaline?”

    I look over at my friend who was cracking up and she hands me the remote to an Amazon Firestick and says, “Yeah, turn on the “Foxfire” for her while I go get her some

    “Ibupropaline”. I flipped on the TV and followed my friend into the other room. I had to ask…

    “Why’d she change the names? Is it the pain medication causing this?”

    “Oh no, she calls them that when she’s completely sober. Just something she started doing a couple of years ago.”

    Good grief. I might as well start making payments on my padded room at the old folks’ home. I’ll make sure to pick a place that has plenty of Ibupropaline because as my Mom says to me, “Growing old is painful and you, my dear, are too much of a wimp.” 

     

     

     


  2. An Interview With My Mom

    May 8, 2016 by C.

    Hope all the Moms out there have a wonderful day!

    Hope all the Moms out there have a wonderful day!

     

    Wow, long time no blog. I know, I know. But I have been BUSY! I am currently working on a book of my Typewriter Wisdoms and hope to have it released this fall. The Facebook fan page has taken off and takes up an enormous amount of time…but so worth it!

    I usually try to have my Mom write a blog post for Mother’s Day but the peeps from Facebook are so interested in her I thought it would be fun to have them send in some questions for her to answer and they did! Hope you all enjoy!

    1. From Pam Geeting Smith-What did you crave while pregnant with Chanin? How long were you in labor, was it a difficult birth? Was Chanin a difficult child or an angel?

    I craved fresh fruit and fruit juices when I was pregnant with Chanin. I was in labor (1st pain to here she is) for 11 hours. My little 8 lb. 11 oz. bundle of joy came breech (this I will never let her forget).
    She was the very best baby, a really good child growing up. Now her sister was totally the opposite.

    Hahahahahahahaha too bad for the little sister! (Editor’s note).

    2. From Shelley James— What is your proudest moment with Chanin?

    I don’t know that there is only one really proud moment, but her graduation from college would be right up there. Chanin worked full-time in my Dad’s restaurant starting from the age of 12, until we sold it. She was working 60 hours a week through college. Not many people could do that and get their degree, but she did it.

    3. From Maiya the Maniac—When you say your first curse word? When did Chanin?

    I didn’t swear until my 1st year in college. Chanin, on the other hand, was around 2-years-old. That’s all I really want to say about that.

    4. From Patricia Colville—What was the most embarrassing moment your daughter got you into?

    The day before my mother was coming for a visit, Chanin’s dad and I got into a very heated argument during dinner. Things went very fast. I believe I threw the pan of biscuits at him and he grabbed me and was restraining my hands. Unfortunately, Chanin saw this. Things got under control and quieted down. Divorce was not even mentioned during the argument. Her Dad and I both were ashamed of ourselves and we both tried to reassure her that this would never happen again. She seemed fine the next morning and her Dad and I were fine. I drove to Nashville to pick up my Mom around 10 am. Around 1 pm that afternoon, I received a call from the school principal, a personal friend of Charlie and I. He said Chanin had started crying at rest time after lunch telling her teacher that her Mom and Dad had a fight and that her Grandma was coming to take her, her sister and her Mom to Oklahoma because we were getting divorced. The teacher was upset, the principal was upset, Chanin was upset, I was upset and had to tell my Mom the whole thing. I had to go to the principal’s office!!! I was truly embarrassed as I should have been.

    5. From Deborah “The Artist” Lyons—-What is the first thing you would do during the zombie apocalypse?

    *laughs*

    Well, I have never really thought about it much. I guess I would just have to bend over and kiss my ass goodbye.

    Thanks everyone for sending in the questions!

    My Mom is a super awesome lady and has worked her butt off to take care of my sister and I. She spoils the hell out of her grandkids. She has never once asked for anything in return. And for that, I thank her because I am poor.

    Happy Mother’s Day, to the best Mom on the planet! I love you!

     


  3. Words with Enemies

    March 10, 2015 by C.

    Don't play with my mom!

      Don’t play with my mom!

     

     

    My sister and I bought our mom a smart phone for her birthday in September. Since she is older, we got the Samsung Galaxy Note, thinking with the really large screen she would be able to see it much easier than a normal smart phone.

    She didn’t mess with it too much at first. She’s terrified of all things electronic. Slowly, over the past few months she has gotten more and more brave with it.

    I will admit when she asked me to start downloading games for her to play I was a little skeptical. I gave her “Trivia Crack” first. In the beginning,  she loved it. A week later she informed me she was over it.

    “This game just takes too long. I am constantly waiting for people to take their turn. I deleted it today.”

    She deleted it? Hell, I had no idea she would even begin to know how to delete an app.

    Next up, “Slotmania”.

    “Chanin, they want money from me! It’s asking me to buy coins! I am not putting my credit card information into a phone for shit sake!” And that got deleted as well.

    Then I downloaded, “Candy Crush”. I thought this was it. Every person I know was addicted to it for a small amount of time…even myself. This she will like. She plays alone, no waiting involved and I will be off the hook for finding her a game.

    “This game is just dumb. I don’t care about matching colors. This just won’t be a challenge at all.”

    Oh, how wrong she is about that. There were times when I would have given up a kidney to get past a level on that Candy Crush.

    As a last resort, I downloaded “Words with Friends” for her. She has always been a fan of Scrabble, so I told her it is just like it. I helped her play her first word on the board and left her to it.

    Two days went by and I got a phone call.

    “This woman I’m playing with is cheating! You know how much I hate cheaters!”

    My mind flashed back to a friendly game of Scrabble involving my family and a friend who was in town visiting. She and my mom got into a massive argument over the word, “poi”. My friend told her she couldn’t use it because it was a foreign word and my mom argued back that in fact, it was not. They got out a dictionary and at one point I thought they might come to blows or at least scratch each other’s eyes out. It was UGLY. So ugly, that there is still resentment and anger between them over this one evening of Scrabble.

    Now, you or I would just stop playing with the random online Words with Friends person. But noooooooooooooooooooooo, my mom sends the woman a message telling her she needs to read the rules, because she is not playing correctly. That of course, got the woman all upset and she wrote back saying, ” I have played this game for years and I do not cheat. I know the rules.”

    Later in the afternoon, Mom calls again to tell me they continue to argue about the cheating and pretty soon she might need me to come up with some bail money because she isn’t going to tolerate it much longer.

    Sigh. When is she ever going to grow up?

     

     


  4. Taser Twins

    August 3, 2014 by C.

    ZAP!

    ZAP!

     

     

     

    My mom has gotten increasingly nervous about Lurch across the street. It seems to be about the only thing she talks about anymore.

    “Lurch was standing on his front porch when I got home from the grocery store today. I think he saw me leave this morning and went and stood there until I got back so he can get a good look. He is so weird. I am scared one of these days he is going to kill us both.”

     

    Every day when I get home I get some sort of phone call from her with the updates of what Lurch has been up to all day long and how scared she is of him. I guess she hasn’t realized it is just as creepy that she watches him all day long.

    Lurch’s mom called her the other day saying that Lurch noticed we hadn’t left the house in three days (we were gone on our vacation) and he started to come over to investigate but she stopped him. Mom tells her that we were on vacation (in Tennessee?????) and that she really isn’t much of a social neighbor hoping Mama Lurch would get the hint.

    I hate to see my mom so worried about this dude. She found out he is on disability from Mama Lurch so he has nothing better to do than to sit and stare at our house and download porn (that last part was according to my mom). So this morning I saw a deal on buy one taser, get the other free.

    “Mom, I got us matching pink tasers!”

    “For what?”

    “Well, just keep it at home and if Lurch shows up you can taser his ass.”

    “I am going to sleep with it right by my bed every night!”

    She clearly got excited.

    “Wait, how do you know they work?”

    “I don’t know…I guess you just have faith that they will shock the shit out of someone…”

    “What can we try it out on?”

    “Um, nothing?”

    “That’s no fun. I want to know if it works or not.”

    I have this fear she is going to sneak into my house in the middle of the night and try hers out on me. She scares me more than Lurch ever did. This just might be the worst idea I have ever had.


  5. Memories of Mema

    May 12, 2013 by C.

    Mema loved reading her newspaper first thing in the morning.

    Mema loved reading her newspaper first thing in the morning.

     

    It is that time again, a blog post from my mom on Mother’s Day. Happy Mother’s Day to all of you mamas out there!

     

    As Chanin’s mother and now her annual guest blogger, I am here to speak of my memories of my children. But I’ve decided to change it up a bit and talk about my mother, Mema.

     

    My mother became Mema to everyone when Chanin was born. I wanted Chanin to call her Nana, but mom was determined her moniker would be Mema. She won.

     

    She and my dad were so excited to become grandparents they could not stop talking about it and preparing for it. We lived in Tennessee and would visit quite often so Mema set up everything in duplicate at her house. Every piece of baby equipment, bedding, cloth diapers, bottles, etc was all lined up and ready for use each time we visited. All I had to do was load the diaper bag and our clothes.

    Mema would pick us up at the airport in Tulsa and drive straight to Papa’s office in Quapaw, OK. She and Papa would be so excited to see Chanin.

    Mema with Chanin and Brennen

    Mema with Chanin and Brennen

     

    Mema also dug out my Singer sewing machine (a graduation gift I left behind, mainly because it was supposed to be a car but that is a story for another day) and started sewing for Chanin when she got a little older. Summer outfits galore and fall/winter long dresses with coordinating pinafores. ***Note from the editor: What the heck is a pinafore and did you say dresses???***

    The kid looked adorable.

    When we would visit in the spring and summer, Mema would load Chanin in her stroller and her cool kiddie sunglasses to take her to watch Papa play in golf tournaments.

     

    Mema was always there for Chanin as well as her five other grandkids who followed. She sat with us when some of the kids were sick and required hospitalization. She attended birthday parties, graduations, weddings and births of great-grandchildren. Though the years and numbers of babies increased and her enthusiastic exuberance waned somewhat, her love for her children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren remained strong. She loved and adored us all.

    We love and miss you, Mema.

     


  6. Technologically Impaired Parents

    September 1, 2012 by C.

    “How does this work with no phone line plugged in??”

     

     

     

    As many of you know my sister and I got our mother a laptop for Christmas. She has resisted using it until recently. She now uses it to look up recipes and shop the clearance items offered up by QVC. I have asked several times if she wanted an e-mail address and she has refused to let me set it up for her, until recently.

    “Mom, I am going to set you up with Gmail today,” I said.

    “Gmail? I thought it’s called e-mail,” she replied.

    Oh boy.

    She is only 62. I pray I am able to stay semi-current with technology when I am that age. What exactly happens as you age that you don’t care about computers, HDTVs and smart phones? All these things improve your quality of life so why would you resist them? Even though I set up an e-mail address for my mother, I know she will never even open it. She just wants to continue to resist anything new to her.

    I thought this was something that only happened to my mother but she isn’t the only one. A friend of mine received a call from her mother.

    “Can you tell me how to print something I have found on YouTube?” she asked her daughter.

    “Um, Mom you can’t print things you find on YouTube because you are watching a video…it’s not in writing,” she replied.

    Feeling a little better about things I went over to visit mom last week and let her know that the wireless connection we share had been acting up all day. I was afraid she would think she had done something to break the computer and just toss it in the trash.

    “Mom, the internet has been messing up today, so if you get a blank page, just be patient,” I told her.

    “What causes the internet to mess up? Do you think it might be because I hired that guy to powerwash the house the other day and it got all the cables wet?” she asked.

    I just stared at her.

    We had thought of getting her a Kindle this Christmas, but when I showed her my Nook she did not seem to receptive.

    “You read books on that? How does a book get into that thing?” she asked.

    “Well, I click on the link to Barnes and Noble, it takes me to an online store and I buy the book I want. Once it is paid for they send it electronically to this device,” I explained.

    I then showed her a few of the features, including how to make the font larger for easier reading (I thought that she would really like that since she complains about not being able to see).

    “Pretty cool, huh Mom?” I asked.

    “No, not really,” she said.

    Next Christmas she is getting a Snuggie.

     

     

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  7. Foamophobic Tendencies

    June 28, 2012 by C.

     

     

     

     

     

    Last night my Mom called and said she had a surprise for me and I needed to come over and get it. Also, she couldn’t connect to the Internet (she is finally using the laptop we got her for Christmas) and she needed me to fix it.

     

    The minute I walked in she tells me she has been using the Internet to read my blog (Uh-oh) and that I curse entirely too much.

     

    Me: “Seriously? I might have one or two words per post…sometimes none at all. How much is too much to you?”

     

    Mom: “There should not be any cursing in your blog. Have you ever heard of Erma Bombeck? She never cursed at all and she had books, a newspaper column, was on TV and made a pretty good living…very funny lady. You should be more like her.”

     

    Me: “Yes, I have heard of her, but I’ve never read any of her books.”

     

    Mom: “Well, maybe it is damn time you did. I raised you better than this.”

     

    Me:” Um, you just cursed and I was raised in a bar. I knew more about the world at age 13 than most people know at 40.”

     

    Mom: “You were raised in a restaurant that just happened to have a bar.”

     

    Me: “What is my surprise?” *this was going nowhere*

     

    Mom: “Oh, here open it.”

     

    I unwrapped a Wal-mart bag containing  two cans of wasp spray.**

     

    Me: “Wasp spray, awesome. Thanks!”

    She proceeds to tell me that a friend of hers is constantly sleeping in the same bed with another woman, but the woman claims they are just best friends.

    Mom: “They do this even when other beds are available!  They must be lesbians.”

     

    Me: “Hmmm Mom, I really don’t know. I also really don’t care, so I am curious as to why you care so much?”

     

    Mom: “I don’t know…I just thought it was weird. Especially from someone who is so foamophobic. She just goes on and on about how they scare her.”

    Long pause. Staring at her and trying to decide which old folks home to have haul her off after I leave her house.

     

    Me: “Foamophobic?????”

     

    Mom: “Yea, isn’t that the word for when someone is really afraid of homosexuals? Like they think they might catch it if they touch them or something?”

     

    Another long pause. This conversation was actually taking place and not some sort of weird dream.

     

    Me: “Mom, I have never heard of foamophobic before, unless it is a fear of memory foam mattress pads, but who would fear those? They are just heavenly. I think the word you were looking for is homophobic.”

     

    Mom: *starts laughing uncontrollably* “Why did I say foamophobic?? I know it is homophobic! I am losing my mind.”

     

    Me: “What is more important in an old folks home to you? Group games and crafts or getting your poopy diaper changed within 12 hours of soiling them? We can’t afford both, so one or the other.”

     

    Mom: “You are so hateful.”

     

    Me: “Yea, you raised me to be this way. Oh, by the way this conversation will be in a blog tomorrow.”

     

    Mom: “When I figure out how to leave a comment you are in big trouble!”

     

     

    ** There has been an abundance of wasps swarming around my front door and hers. I have been deemed the official exterminator of both units. My last experience drained an entire can on her front porch and a wasp came after me. I had to run, people. I only do that when a person wielding a weapon is chasing me. But I figured with my dumb luck I might be deathly allergic to wasp stings and therefore I was being chased by an armed flying insect. Death was near.

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  8. QVC is Killing Me

    January 25, 2012 by C.

    I am worried about my mother. After a knee replacement surgery in October she has done nothing but shop on QVC and HSN. It is now January. She can walk perfectly fine now so there is no reason to stay propped up in a recliner shopping all day now, but that’s what’s going on.
    Every time I go to visit her she has QVC on. If there is a sale or something coming up that she wants to watch but is about to fall asleep, she will even record it! Who records QVC? My crazy mother, that’s who.
    The last few times I have been over there UPS has left a package on her porch and she needs me to haul it in for her. Then you have to sit and watch her open it (she insists you see her latest prize). I have seen clothing, winter coats, purses, bras and an 8 quart pot that is a find because they normally only come in 5.5 quarts. Why someone cooking for one would need an 8 quart pot is beyond me.
    For Christmas, she bought a friend of mine a gift on QVC. I knew it was something horrible when she tells my friend, “Now please do not take offense that I bought this for you. If it makes you feel any better, I bought one for myself too.” My eyeballs were popping out of my head when my friend un-wraps “Lindo Twist-N-Roll Facial Hair Removal Tweezers”. It is basically a giant spring that you roll over your face and it rips the hair off.
    “Oh my God, mom! Why the hell would you buy that for someone?” I yelled.
    “If you had ever had me some grandchildren you would need some of these too. Once you have kids you start growing hairs in the strangest places and in bunches,” she replied.
    When we left that night I must have apologized to my friend thirty times. “I am so sorry. Really, what an awful gift. I am pretty sure she is off her meds so please just forgive her. In another year or so I will probably have to move her into a home so I am just going to humor her until then.”
    “Chanin, this is my favorite Christmas present. I love it!” she said.
    I know someone else who must be off their meds. Lunatics I am dealing with.
    My mother’s latest obsession is Paula Deen’s (do not mention her name around my mother after the whole diabetes announcement or you will hear this, “Greedy, greedy whore!”) Ham Sausage. Yes, you read correctly…ham sausage. She has purchased a case of this crap and just randomly passes it out when she goes places.
    “I went to get my hair cut and colored today and gave my hair dresser two packages of ham sausage,” she told me.
    “I hope you didn’t consider that her tip. Most people prefer cash over sausage these days,” I replied.
    “Oh, you’re so funny. Why don’t you go blog about it?” she asked.
    Thank you. I just did.