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  1. Guest Blogger- Joanne Taylor

    February 8, 2018 by C.

     

     

    Good evening! I’ve wrangled up a guest blogger since I haven’t been writing much lately. Joanne Taylor is someone I met through my crazy Facebook page. We hit it off because we both love the Steelers. One day I hope to attend the Redneck party she and her sister throw every year. They are both my Canadian sisters now and I hope to someday meet them in person.

    She told this story on Facebook recently and it made me laugh so hard, I had to ask if she could write a little more and let me post it on my blog and she kindly agreed. Canadians are so damn nice! So here it is!

    If you see these two at a movie, RUN!

     

         My husband and I are homebodies for the most part. We’re in our mid-50’s so we’ve seen and done it all. We’re not big travelers, just happy to stay home and rarely venture out. But recently we’ve done the math on our movie viewing or lack thereof and realized we haven’t been to a movie together since “Titanic”…1997…that’s 20 years ago. We’re big NFL fans so the down week between playoffs and Super Bowl seemed like the ideal time to rectify our sad lack of movie dating.

         Well, sweet mother of God, you’ve never seen a bigger pair of assholes at a movie theatre.

         The first hurdle was buying tickets. When did they stop having human beings look after that for you? My husband took the reins as they don’t really leave room for two people to stand at the ticket machine. He can’t see it so I dig out his glasses. He scrolls through the movies but then can’t scroll back. I squeeze in trying to assist him. Then I realize I can’t see what’s on the screen so more digging around for glasses. The people behind us are getting irritated but we manage it. Ten minutes later we have tickets and we’re off to the snack bar.

         Good, there’s humans here. The date is exciting so we are overzealous about snacks. Hot dogs, nachos with dip, popcorn and Coke. We’ll sell a kidney to pay for it all later.

         “You can get your hot dog combo at out-take around the corner,” our teen-age snack dealer said to us.

         “Ok, wait, what? Where is out take?”, I asked as we were crowded away from the counter by the hungry mob.

         “Ed, I think it must be over there where that other line is, you get that and I’ll get the Coke.”

         This shouldn’t be too difficult, right? Wait, why is my cup only filling up with ice? When does the Coke come?  I dump the ice and try again. Still nothing but ice.

         “Sir, can you show me how to get Coke?? I don’t get out much. Oh, I see, you touch the picture of the Coke. DUH. Thank you!”

         Now we’ve lost real time.  We need to get seats and soon. Where is Ed?? I turn toward the out take area and find him.

         “JESUS CHRIST ED, GET THAT HOT DOG OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. WE HAVE TO GET SEATS!”

         We mismanaged our time underestimating our lack of movie skills. The theatre is pitch black and the previews have started. PITCH BLACK. I can’t see trying to calculate the steps. Popcorn is spilling. The air is filling with smells of hot dogs and nachos. I grab an unsatisfactory seat for fear of tripping down the stairs. We’re too close to the screen. I’m dizzy but we have to roll with it for the shame of having an overabundance of snacks.

         We’re seeing “Den of Thieves” with 50 Cent because we think of ourselves as jazzy and hip. Who doesn’t want to see a movie with 50 Cent? It’s loud and has tons of gun fire. I’ve underestimated the loud surround sound in theatres. The movie is over 2 hours long and my legs are numb. It’s over. Thank Christ.

         In the car we agree we’re fools. We’re too old to manage the new era of computers giving you Coke. We agree that this is our last movie date. We’re covered in cheese sauce, popcorn grease and mustard as we take the silent ride home. The dating world will just have to move forward without this jazzy couple. 


  2. I Love the Oscars

    March 1, 2014 by C.

    Sunday night!!!

    Sunday night!!!

     

     

    Every year my mom and I have a mini Oscars party. It is a night of great food, lots of laughs and of course the competition. We each fill out a ballot and determine the winner, also known as the “movie genius” who will then get to rub in winning all year long to the loser. We have been doing this for so many years, I cannot even remember when we started making it an event.

    We pick eleven of the 24 categories…all the major ones. She likes to scream loudly when she gets one right and I just like to talk shit, “Oh, what’s that Mom?? You missed another one? You don’t know jack about movies, old lady!” I’m sure you’re all jealous you’ll be missing out on this.

    The food. This year we are changing it up big time. We have bought a tenderloin and will be cutting some nice steaks off of it. Baked potatoes, asparagus, hot rolls and bread pudding with ice cream sauce for dessert. Normally, we just do things like beans and cornbread, but we are going all out this year.

    I would love to share my picks with you, but my mother cannot be trusted not to come on here and cheat, but I will discuss all the nominated pictures and try not to give too much away.

    American Hustle– I really liked this movie but I don’t really understand all the Oscar hype for it. It was good, but not mind-blowing. I also don’t understand why everyone is all about Amy Adams’ performance. She was just ok. I actually thought Jennifer Lawrence stole the movie in the few moments she was in it. If Amy Adams wins Best Actress for this picture, the remote control will leave a dent in the TV screen, because I have a pretty good arm for a girl. I have a feeling Cate Blanchett will win it for her sweaty armpits and manic behavior in the Woody Allen film, “Blue Jasmine” anyways.

    *Meryl Streep, honey, the Best Actress Oscar should be yours. I am so sorry people hate you for being so good, but you are the best and people just need to freaking deal with it. Every award you are nominated for should be yours. Please drop the restraining order soon, thanks.*

    Her– This was nominated for Best Picture over “August: Osage County”??? WTF????

    Philomena– The little movie no one has heard of and that’s a shame. Based on a true story of a young Irish girl who gets pregnant and her parents dump her off at a Catholic home for unwed mothers (because I guess back in the day you didn’t get on a TV show for getting knocked up). She keeps her son for several years; until he is sold to an American couple and whisked across the ocean. Philomena starts the search for her adult son with a reporter helping her along the way. Dame Judy Dench is fantastic in this movie. Check it out the minute it hits DVD.

    Dallas Buyers Club–  Can’t say enough good things about this one. It was one I was dreading to watch, but was so glad I did. Jared Leto makes a beautiful woman and Matthew McConaughey gives the performance of his life (no, sorry ladies, his best performance wasn’t in “Magic Mike”).

    The Wolf of Wall Street– If you like crazy, funny movies you would love this one. I laughed most of the way through it. Leo is outstanding as usual. Not really sure why Jonah Hill is nominated other than the challenge of speaking with those horse teeth in his mouth.

    Captain Phillips–  From start to finish this one will have you on the edge of your seat. Tom Hanks is great as usual. This one is a must see.

    Gravity–  This movie is special. I like to call it “movie magic”. The special effects are amazing, it is a beautiful film and the acting was superb. I am very sorry if you missed seeing this movie in 3D, because it was truly spectacular.

    12 Years a Slave– I think the Best Picture battle will come down between this one and “Gravity”. This film, is an important film. It was extremely difficult to watch in certain scenes and it makes me feel so ashamed and sad to watch one race be so horrible to another. The ordeal this man went through (based on a true story) is just like one long continuous nightmare. I cannot even fathom being in the same situation and how I would react.

    I hope Lupita Nyong’o wins best supporting actress; she was so incredible in this movie and she wears the most gorgeous gowns to these award shows I have ever seen and she looks stunning in them. I can’t wait to see what she wears tomorrow night.

    Nebraska– What a touching story of a man and his son on a journey to cash in a sweepstakes letter, that the son knows will not produce any money. Bruce Dern and June Squibb are so believable as an elderly married couple, you will want to lock them up in an old folks home just to get away from the nagging and hearing the same things repeated a million times because poor Bruce is hard of hearing. I don’t want to ruin the end, but they couldn’t have ended it any better.

    Ellen DeGeneres will host the awards (our favorite has always been Billy Crystal) and she should be much better than last year’s host, Seth McFarlane. If you have a free four hours tomorrow night, you should watch or at the very least, rent some of these wonderful movies and prepare to be amazed.

     


  3. 5 Things About The Movie “Gravity”

    October 13, 2013 by C.

    Go see this movie!

    Go see this movie!

     

     

     

    I actually ventured out of the house last Saturday to go see this one. Maybe these five thoughts will help you determine if you should go see it or not. It seems people are pretty hesitant about it for some reason.

     

    1. It makes you appreciate walking on the Earth so much more. I never ever ever ever want to go up in space thanks to this movie. Not even if Richard Branson offered to send me up for free.

    2. Sandra Bullock was amazing in this. I expect she will get an Academy Award nomination for this role. Far from her normal adorkable self, but she pulls off serious very nicely.

    3.  This movie is beautiful. Space is amazing to look at and the special effects are superb.

    4. You must pay the extra money to see this in 3D or IMAX. Nothing as exciting as getting whacked in the head a few times with flying space debris.

    5. George Clooney basically plays the astronaut version of himself in the movie…charming, handsome and funny. This is really Sandra’s movie and he’s allowed to be in it.

    You simply must see this movie.