Good evening! I’ve wrangled up a guest blogger since I haven’t been writing much lately. Joanne Taylor is someone I met through my crazy Facebook page. We hit it off because we both love the Steelers. One day I hope to attend the Redneck party she and her sister throw every year. They are both my Canadian sisters now and I hope to someday meet them in person.
She told this story on Facebook recently and it made me laugh so hard, I had to ask if she could write a little more and let me post it on my blog and she kindly agreed. Canadians are so damn nice! So here it is!
My husband and I are homebodies for the most part. We’re in our mid-50’s so we’ve seen and done it all. We’re not big travelers, just happy to stay home and rarely venture out. But recently we’ve done the math on our movie viewing or lack thereof and realized we haven’t been to a movie together since “Titanic”…1997…that’s 20 years ago. We’re big NFL fans so the down week between playoffs and Super Bowl seemed like the ideal time to rectify our sad lack of movie dating.
Well, sweet mother of God, you’ve never seen a bigger pair of assholes at a movie theatre.
The first hurdle was buying tickets. When did they stop having human beings look after that for you? My husband took the reins as they don’t really leave room for two people to stand at the ticket machine. He can’t see it so I dig out his glasses. He scrolls through the movies but then can’t scroll back. I squeeze in trying to assist him. Then I realize I can’t see what’s on the screen so more digging around for glasses. The people behind us are getting irritated but we manage it. Ten minutes later we have tickets and we’re off to the snack bar.
Good, there’s humans here. The date is exciting so we are overzealous about snacks. Hot dogs, nachos with dip, popcorn and Coke. We’ll sell a kidney to pay for it all later.
“You can get your hot dog combo at out-take around the corner,” our teen-age snack dealer said to us.
“Ok, wait, what? Where is out take?”, I asked as we were crowded away from the counter by the hungry mob.
“Ed, I think it must be over there where that other line is, you get that and I’ll get the Coke.”
This shouldn’t be too difficult, right? Wait, why is my cup only filling up with ice? When does the Coke come? I dump the ice and try again. Still nothing but ice.
“Sir, can you show me how to get Coke?? I don’t get out much. Oh, I see, you touch the picture of the Coke. DUH. Thank you!”
Now we’ve lost real time. We need to get seats and soon. Where is Ed?? I turn toward the out take area and find him.
“JESUS CHRIST ED, GET THAT HOT DOG OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. WE HAVE TO GET SEATS!”
We mismanaged our time underestimating our lack of movie skills. The theatre is pitch black and the previews have started. PITCH BLACK. I can’t see trying to calculate the steps. Popcorn is spilling. The air is filling with smells of hot dogs and nachos. I grab an unsatisfactory seat for fear of tripping down the stairs. We’re too close to the screen. I’m dizzy but we have to roll with it for the shame of having an overabundance of snacks.
We’re seeing “Den of Thieves” with 50 Cent because we think of ourselves as jazzy and hip. Who doesn’t want to see a movie with 50 Cent? It’s loud and has tons of gun fire. I’ve underestimated the loud surround sound in theatres. The movie is over 2 hours long and my legs are numb. It’s over. Thank Christ.
In the car we agree we’re fools. We’re too old to manage the new era of computers giving you Coke. We agree that this is our last movie date. We’re covered in cheese sauce, popcorn grease and mustard as we take the silent ride home. The dating world will just have to move forward without this jazzy couple.