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  1. My Obsession With Dr. Oz

    August 17, 2012 by C.

    I very rarely watched Oprah. Most that know me know that I am not a huge fan of the almighty Oprah. That being said, I am a little late to catch on to the wonderfulness of Dr. Oz.

    Every episode is recorded and saved until I have a chance to watch. While watching it, I have a special Dr. Oz notebook kept on my side table to write down all of his amazing tips. I thought I would share a few of my notes with you.

    Raspberry Ketone. Do nothing, burn fat. Thank you God and Dr Oz!!!

    Turn around and examine your poop. Tells you about your internal health. Should be smooth and S-shaped. Uh oh. 

    People that are more social and have a close network of friends live longer. I am so screwed. 

    Take power naps. No longer than 30 minutes! Going to try this at work soon.  

    Eat a good breakfast. Snickers Ice Cream bars don’t count as a good breakfast.

    Take lots of supplements. Multivitamins,  calcium, magnesium, DHA, B12, Ginkgo Biloba and aspirin, just to name a few.  Basically, go to your local health food store and hand over your MasterCard once a month. Being Oz-like isn’t cheap, folks. 

    Have one glass of alcohol with dinner. Finally a tip I really really like.

    Yoga is a good exercise as you get older. *I would have been good at yoga when I was like 6. Now, not so much. I attempted the pose below and spent three days in the hospital. 

    Do not try this anywhere ever!

     

    My most favorite Dr. Oz tip involves a golf ball. *See photo illustration below* If you are having issues producing regular bowel movements, grab a golf ball and roll it around in your hands. Needs to be toward the bottom of your hands and you don’t have to roll it around for six hours or anything. Just roll it around a few times while watching TV or if you just need something to keep your hands busy so you don’t choke your kids.

    I don’t know how this works, but it does. Golf ball magic. You will go poopy in no time. I expect to get many thank you cards and e-mails for sharing this one with you.

    Many of you will think it is horrible of me to discuss such disgusting things, but we all have these issues every once in a while and I consider you all my friends. Let’s just be adults about this and admit, sometimes shit doesn’t happen.

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  2. A Few Questions With…Magic 8 Ball

    March 28, 2012 by C.

    There are times when I question myself and the path I am on. I second guess myself constantly, so sometimes it is nice to get a second opinion and my shrink isn’t always around.

    So this week I bought a Magic 8 Ball to help me get some answers to my crazy life. I asked the question, closed my eyes (for dramatic effect) and gave it a good shake. I swear to you that these are the answers that came up for each question.

    Will I be a famous writer?

    Yes-definitely

    Off to a great start my magic friend.

    Will I be rich and successful?

    Yes.

    I love you Magic 8 ball!

    Will Adam Lambert marry me?

    Don’t count on it.

    What??? Are you freaking kidding me??? How does this toy know Adam is way gay and would never marry me?? It MUST be magic.

    Would I survive being a tribute in “The Hunger Games”?

    Without a doubt.

    The 8 ball is picking up on my newly acquired Doomsday Prepping skills and knows I could survive for years in the wilderness with just a toothpick and a roll of duct tape.

    Are Oprah and Gayle lovers?

    As I see it, yes.

    I KNEW IT!

    Should I max out my credit cards?

    Yes.

    God bless you Magic Ball, God bless you!

    Will the world end December 21st, 2012?

    Very doubtful.

    Will Obama be President again?

    Signs point to yes.

    Will Snooki be a good mother?

    Don’t count on it.

    Oh, the Magic 8 ball is so wise. Everyone I know is getting one for Christmas.

    Will Tim Tebow marry me?

    Very doubtful.

    %&;@(^*^*&)*@ stupid *&^;%&%^ Magic Ball!

    Will Brad ever marry Angie?

    Outlook good.

    Glad someone is getting married. Geez.

    Am I super sexy?

    My reply is no.

    God, now I am depressed. Where is my bag of Oreos??????

    Will anyone ever marry me? Like if I am the last female on the planet?? In the galaxy?

    Not a chance in hell loser girl.

    Touche’ 8 ball. You win this round.