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‘over-sharing’ Category

  1. Avoid Thy Neighbor

    June 13, 2012 by C.

     
    Unless you are giving me a check from Publishers Clearing House

     

     

     

     

    It seems most people enjoy having neighbors. I know of  people who stay in touch with neighbors even after they have moved out-of-state. This just puzzles me. I go out of my way to avoid my neighbors. The less they know about me the better.

     

    I have lived in this neighborhood for five years now and the only neighbor that I know at least by first name is the paramedic across the street. The only reason I know her name is because her dog Zoe loves to come and hump me when she sees me in the front yard. You don’t have much choice but to act neighborly when someone is trying to remove their animal from your leg. Besides, I might need her assistance one of these days after a wild moment with my Thigh Master. Suzanne Somers really should have put warning labels on those things.

     

    Some neighbors give you no choice but to get to know them. Even if it isn’t face to face.

    I opened my garage door and was heading to move the trash bin down to the curb. I hear a man talking and he was speaking so loudly, I had no choice but to hear what was going on.

    Bald Drew Carey neighbor: “You did too send me photos of your tits! Don’t deny it!”

    *Ok, I might have paused at this point and just stood to listen to the man sitting in a lawn chair on his driveway having this conversation with the mystery tramp*

    Then I realized bald Drew had this woman on speaker phone.

    Sextress: “Oh my God! I never sent you pictures of my tits. Prove it!”

    Baldy: *now smoking a cig*  “Well, of course I deleted the pictures off my phone. What if I died or something and my wife found those pictures?”

    Now when I drive by his house and see him standing in the driveway chatting on his cell phone, I contemplate for a moment losing control of my car and running him over. But I soon come to my senses and remember that prisons don’t allow Papa John’s deliveries or the use of memory foam mattresses. That is not the life for me.

    I just pray I am never involved in any sort of incident that involves the police interviewing my neighbors.

    Neighbor #1: “You mean someone actually lived there? I thought the house had been abandoned.”

    Neighbor #2: “No, I didn’t know her name. But have you talked to Keegan?”

    “Who is Keegan?” the policeman will ask.

    “Oh the dude that delivers Papa Johns to her house…I bet he will know her name.”

    Neighbor #3: “No, I never met her but she ordered the hell out of Schwan’s ice cream and the UPS dude dropped packages on her porch almost daily. I think she might have had a porn addiction.”

    Hmmmm…maybe it might be time to get to know my neighbors just a little bit. If for no other reason than to not have my poor family shocked by my alleged porn addiction.

     

     

     

     

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  2. Woman Fired For Her Fake Penis

    January 15, 2012 by C.

    A Pennsylvania woman says she was fired from her job for wearing a prosthetic penis to work. Pauline Davis, 45, had been contemplating gender reassignment and had hoped wearing the penis would help her make a decision.
    Dumb Pauline told several of her co-workers that she was wearing a fake penis to work and they reported her to management. Davis was fired and is now suing J&J Snack Foods Corp. for back pay, damages for suffering and humiliation and punitive damages. If this woman wins any money from this case, I swear I am going to get a fake penis and tell every single person at work I am packing. I would like to get a new car soon and that money could come in handy. If the courts are willing to hand out money on this one, I think I stand a great chance of having a new car by August.
    We don’t know the full story here. Maybe she thought the people she told were her friends and she told them in confidence. Or maybe she ran up and down the assembly line screaming, “I got me a wiener! Wanna see?” Hard to judge when we don’t have all the facts.
    I think the lesson we should take away from this is to just keep quiet about such things. We are a country of over-sharers these days. It doesn’t seem to matter what the issue is, everyone is going to know about it either on Facebook or Twitter. I really don’t care to hear you successfully took a crap or about the sexy time you had with your girlfriend. Just nasty. 
    So for those of you out there that need a little guidance I have come up with a list of things that you probably shouldn’t share at work.
    1. That you plan on spending your Friday night in your underpants watching “Toddlers and Tiaras”.
    2. That the Mexican food you had for lunch has produced 3 gallons of diarrhea.
    3. Banging the bosses’ wife.
    4. You were so drunk last weekend that your friends said you pissed in your birdbath and passed out for the night under a tree in your front yard.
    5. It is so hot in the office you have decided not to wear panties.
    6. That your blow-up doll should arrive in the mail today and you are so excited about it.
    7. The doctor said the oozy rash you have on your butt is highly contagious and he prays you have not been using public restrooms.
    8. You don’t smell like cat pee from doing meth, you actually live with 30 cats. “But if you need some meth, I can get you some.”
    So remember everyone, loose lips and zippers sink ships and may have you working at McDonald’s next week.