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‘Paula Deen’ Category

  1. Master Chef Epic Fail

    July 20, 2012 by C.

    The real deal




    Back in March, I got a coupon from my favorite website, for two people to take a cooking class from Le Cordon Bleu for the price of one. They offered a wide range of classes on all sorts of cooking. I finally settled on the “Cookies and Confections” class because the date worked well and I have a sugar addiction.

    The closest Cordon Bleu to me is in St. Louis. So I took a friend and my mom up to St. Louis for a weekend just to take a cooking class. I thought it was something different to do and they give you food, so it’s a win-win really.

    My family owned a restaurant for many years. Going into this cooking class I thought I had a competitive advantage over the other students (because everything I do is a competition or it isn’t fun). Boy, was I wrong.

    They give you one of those really tall chef hats and a black Le Cordon Bleu apron (that you get to take home with you and wear while making toast). Things started rough for me. For the life of me I could not get my apron neck strap to stay hooked. So I continuously bugged my friend to help me out.

    “Kim, can you fix this for me?” I asked. This was the 10th time I asked her.

    “Again???????????????????????????????” she snarled.

    Yes, I am a dipshit.

    Our chef was Karen and she said if we put a picture of her on Facebook she would stab us with a meat thermometer. Okey dokey. Karen brought in three of her students to help us out. We made marshmallows, graham crackers (we had smores…they didn’t trust us to make the chocolate for some reason), these meringue things with filling, peanut brittle and spiced oatmeal raisin cookies.

    Karen would demonstrate as we gathered around her and then we would go back to our stations to give it a whirl on our own. It became clear immediately I needed a full-time supervisor. I was not paying attention to the labels on my tray that said MARSHMALLOWS and took the baking soda for the COOKIES and used it as gelatin for the marshmallows. Oops.

    Then while making the peanut brittle, I did some fancy Gordon Ramsey move and flicked the whisk with hot sticky sugar and a glob of it landed on my hand. So off I go to First Aid. Take a look.

    This hurts soooooooooooo bad people! Possibly worse than having babies.




    Hmmmm the photo kind of looks like an arm pit now, making this a far more serious injury from the looks of the arm pit blister. Saggy arm pit blister. Sorry, I promise that is my hand. Let’s move on, shall we?

    This injury pretty much wiped me out for the rest of the trip. I couldn’t drive or write or really do much of anything. I had to have someone else feed me because holding a fork was far too painful. Gordon Ramsey is a jerk. Just look at what he has done to me.

    It was a fun class. It is something I would gladly do again. The issue I had is we made things that any Grandma can make. Oatmeal Raisin cookies…peanut brittle? I wanted to make some fancy cookies. If I was going to lose the use of my hand forever, I needed something impressive, damn it. Something like this…

    Fancy snooty cookies












    Instead of boring peanut brittle…I wanted to make some fancy candy. Like this crystal meth candy. That is crystal meth inside there, isn’t it? I don’t know much about drugs, but meth makes a very pretty piece of candy.


    This stuff will make you smell like cat pee and lose all your teeth.



    Kim and I returned to the hotel with stacks of food in our arms. My mom was thrilled and especially loved the Grandma cookies. She insisted I take some down to the front desk clerk. My mom thinks this is still the 50’s or something. The clerk thought I was trying to poison her and I heard them make a loud thump in the trash can as I walked away.

    On our way out-of-town, Mom wanted to stop at this restaurant she had heard about called The Blue Owl. The food was wonderful and their bake shop was just amazing. Our waitress Hannah was a sweetheart and even went to get the owner to come speak to us. Mary has a story very similar to Paula Deen’s in that her husband moved her to Missouri from Galveston, Texas and then left her. Mary started making desserts to pay the bills and eventually that turned into owning The Blue Owl.  Paula Deen and her two sons recently visited and  The Blue Owl will be featured in Oprah magazine. So, if you are ever near St. Louis go by and check this place out. Mary is mainly famous for her Caramel Pecan Levee High Apple Pie. Have you ever seen such a thing???

    Can you say sugar coma??



    Back at home I decided to look online to see which class I wanted to take next. I am thinking “French Classics” on October 20th. Who’s with me???? Just make sure you work in another station in case I get wild and crazy again. At the very least, I will entertain you with my lack of kitchen skills in those three hours. It might just be worth the price of admission.

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  2. Ya’ll Stop Being Mean to Paula Deen

    January 31, 2012 by C.

    I had a dream last night that I was supposed to write a blog in defense of Paula Deen. I am clueless as to where this came from. I didn’t eat anything spicy or an abnormal amount of butter.
    As most of you know Paula came on the Today show last week and revealed that she has had diabetes for the past three years. Many feel that the reason she kept this a secret for the past few years was so she could make more money selling her products and cookbooks. Many of her fans are angry and feel betrayed. Seriously people, get a grip.
    Let’s start with the obvious. Is it really anyone’s business but hers that she has diabetes? No, it isn’t. Just because she is on TV doesn’t make her personal life an open book for all to read. She didn’t have to share this three years ago and she didn’t have to share it now.
    Now, if you are a Paula fan and have ever made any of her dishes you should know the shit is bad for you. I would hope that you have the common sense to not make three meals a day from a Paula cookbook. Paula’s food is like a special treat, only to be eaten in moderation. Paula doesn’t show up at your house, whip this stuff up and force-feed you. You make the choice of what you do and don’t eat. So everyone can stop with blaming her for the nation’s obesity epidemic.
    I will say it was a bit tacky of her to come out with this just as she signed a deal to endorse a diabetes drug. Through all of this I think this was her biggest mistake. It makes us feel like she is greedy. But aren’t we all a little greedy? I doubt many people would walk away from a large chunk of cash if in her shoes.
    Paula Deen is a product. She is a business and she is in the business to make money. If you owned a business I think you would do everything possible to make money at it. Take a look at Garth Brooks. Before he retired I read an article where he said his children’s grandchildren would never have to work if they didn’t want to because of all the money he has made. Yet, he went back out on a tour, released several albums at Wal-mart and now has a gig in Vegas. Does Garth need more money? No. But if there is demand for what you are selling, why not continue making money?
    I have occasionally watched “Weeds”. The main character is a drug-dealing mom. Does this mean I should start peddling drugs on street corners? No. “Dexter” is a serial killer that kills bad people. Does this give me the right to chop up my neighbor because he steals my newspapers? Nope.
    Bottom line, Paula Deen is an entertainer. Having the brains to know what you should and shouldn’t do is completely up to ya’ll. 

  3. QVC is Killing Me

    January 25, 2012 by C.

    I am worried about my mother. After a knee replacement surgery in October she has done nothing but shop on QVC and HSN. It is now January. She can walk perfectly fine now so there is no reason to stay propped up in a recliner shopping all day now, but that’s what’s going on.
    Every time I go to visit her she has QVC on. If there is a sale or something coming up that she wants to watch but is about to fall asleep, she will even record it! Who records QVC? My crazy mother, that’s who.
    The last few times I have been over there UPS has left a package on her porch and she needs me to haul it in for her. Then you have to sit and watch her open it (she insists you see her latest prize). I have seen clothing, winter coats, purses, bras and an 8 quart pot that is a find because they normally only come in 5.5 quarts. Why someone cooking for one would need an 8 quart pot is beyond me.
    For Christmas, she bought a friend of mine a gift on QVC. I knew it was something horrible when she tells my friend, “Now please do not take offense that I bought this for you. If it makes you feel any better, I bought one for myself too.” My eyeballs were popping out of my head when my friend un-wraps “Lindo Twist-N-Roll Facial Hair Removal Tweezers”. It is basically a giant spring that you roll over your face and it rips the hair off.
    “Oh my God, mom! Why the hell would you buy that for someone?” I yelled.
    “If you had ever had me some grandchildren you would need some of these too. Once you have kids you start growing hairs in the strangest places and in bunches,” she replied.
    When we left that night I must have apologized to my friend thirty times. “I am so sorry. Really, what an awful gift. I am pretty sure she is off her meds so please just forgive her. In another year or so I will probably have to move her into a home so I am just going to humor her until then.”
    “Chanin, this is my favorite Christmas present. I love it!” she said.
    I know someone else who must be off their meds. Lunatics I am dealing with.
    My mother’s latest obsession is Paula Deen’s (do not mention her name around my mother after the whole diabetes announcement or you will hear this, “Greedy, greedy whore!”) Ham Sausage. Yes, you read correctly…ham sausage. She has purchased a case of this crap and just randomly passes it out when she goes places.
    “I went to get my hair cut and colored today and gave my hair dresser two packages of ham sausage,” she told me.
    “I hope you didn’t consider that her tip. Most people prefer cash over sausage these days,” I replied.
    “Oh, you’re so funny. Why don’t you go blog about it?” she asked.
    Thank you. I just did. 

  4. 11/11/11 Mania

    November 11, 2011 by C.

    11/11/11 is tomorrow and there is so much speculation as to what it means or what will happen. There has even been a horror movie made about the date. I have done some research and I am pretty certain nothing will happen tomorrow except you will feel really cool when you write that date down on your paperwork.
    Some say that a portal will open up. A portal to where I am not sure. I am hoping it is a portal to Narnia or Smurf Village. How cool would that be?
    So many couples will be getting married tomorrow because they feel it will be a lucky date for them. Well, that isn’t true either. If you want some luck at your marriage you need a “2” or “4” in the date according to experts. Or marry a Kardashian, get divorced in 72 days and collect millions. That would be pretty lucky.
    This date won’t come up for another one hundred years so we really should do something to celebrate shouldn’t we? I am voting for drinking on the job as a suitable celebration tomorrow. I will be popping open the champagne bottle at exactly 11:11 am on 11/11/11. Maybe Milty (da boss) will join me or maybe he will suggest I get my drink on elsewhere like the unemployment line.
    “11” is a special number. Doreen Virtue’s book, “Angel Numbers” states that “11” is a master number. This translates into your thoughts being lined up with the universe and they create your reality. One more time…your thoughts create your reality. Can you imagine what kind of day it will be on Friday? Imagine your child thinking, “Hmmm, I think I will quit school today and live in my parent’s basement forever.”  This, my friends could be dangerous.
    So tonight I will light some candles, burn some incense, pop in a Yanni cd and focus on what I want.  All the websites are suggesting that you chant these things, write them down several times or meditate about them. I will write them down now and chant them tomorrow.
    Here we go…Hare Krishna, Hare Krishna…OMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM (I think this is how you chant while meditating and since I think it is it is).
    Universe, I am open to becoming skinny but being able to eat lots of ice cream and not gain a pound.
    Universe, I need to date Adam Lambert. So make a few uh…changes so that he is interested in me.
    Universe, I will have nose twitch powers like Samantha on “Bewitched” because cleaning house sucks and I would like to put a spell on Paula Deen to make her think she is my personal chef forever.
    Universe, I want to write a book that is so successful I never have to go to an 8-5 job again. Money will never be an issue and the most stress I will have in my life is deciding which pool boy will come fan me while I lay out.
    Hopefully the universe will take care of all of that for me tomorrow. But just in case I think I will buy 11 Powerball tickets. It’s always good to have a backup plan.