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  1. There Are Benefits To Being A Fatty

    July 24, 2011 by C.

    Work it! 

    These lovely ladies in their pretty skirts stole around $400 of champagne from a liquor store by placing the bottles underneath their skirts. I can only assume they had the bottles in a death grip between their thunder thighs. 

    Do I have to even say this happened in Florida? There are some seriously whacked out people down in that state. I get most of my stories from the lunatics in Florida. Thank you Floridians! 

    This was not the first time this store was hit by the skirt bandits. It happened once before in October.

    Paul Mouts,owner of DPF Liquors said, “It’s very frustrating. It’s the second time, and I want them caught.”

    The women have been identified but the police cannot seem to track them down. 

    I knew there had to be benefits to being a fatty other than keeping me super warm in the winter and getting me out of climbing the rope to the roof in gym class. 

    I had to test this out for myself. Off to Wal-mart I went. I decided on a bottle of Seagram’s Calypso Colada in the refrigerated section of the liquor department. Do not judge. It is hotter than a stolen tamale outside. 

    I hiked up my skirt and shoved the bottle in mouth end first. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh man that felt good. I headed off to the front door. I was distracted by my thoughts of “how much time will I do if I am caught trying to steal one wine cooler? I hope the food has gotten better since the water and cracker days…I would hate to lose lots of weight and become someones bitch on the prison yard.”

    A child ran out in front of me, I had to stop suddenly and that is when I felt the shift. The bottle was making its way down my thighs. I froze. I had caught it just above my knees. I was almost to the front door. Surely I could make it out with the bottle in this position. I am waddling down the aisle like a palsied penguin. 

    I was so focused on the front door I did not see the elderly man headed my way in a motorized cart. The senile bastard ran over my toe causing me to scream and my thighs to release the bottle. 

    “Oh my God, my water just broke!” *Never thought looking like a pregnant person full time would ever pay off*

    As I ran out the front door I heard someone say, “Why is her water blue and why does it smell tropical?” A woman responds with, “Never mind that. Why does it have glass in it?” 

    Crime just does not pay. Even if you have an abundance of fat rolls to hide the loot.