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‘Pennsylvania.’ Category

  1. Modern Day Sybil

    February 20, 2012 by C.

    23-year-old Timothy Beer of Leechburg, Pennsylvania turned himself into police on Tuesday for the robbery of China King Restaurant. Mr. Beer claims to have multiple personalities and one of them robbed this restaurant.

    The robbery occurred last Sunday. Beer read about it in the paper a few days later and suddenly remembered what had happened. He told police he went to the restaurant and ordered food. He got angry because he thought the person waiting on him was continuing to speak Chinese. The next thing he remembered was playing video games at his cousin’s house.

    Let’s give credit where credit is due. Mr. Beer is an extremely honest man to turn himself in like that. Not very smart, but what do you expect with Beer for a last name.

    I have a few personalities myself and they have gotten me in some trouble over the years. Luckily, we have never done something so severe to be put behind bars…at least not yet.

    Without further ado, here are my peeps:

    Bertha Lou Bissinger- Bertha likes to eat. She has been banned from every pizza and Chinese buffet in town. Often, when I return to being myself my face is covered in Cheeto dust and hot fudge.

    Ramona J. Stanley- She is essentially trailer trash. Caked on make-up, puffy hair with bangs and tube tops. She drinks frequently and has been know to pick fights. The shrink asked her what the “J” stood for in her name to which she replied, “Jawbreaker, what the f&$% else would it stand for?? Jane??”

    Blue Ivy Carter- She lives her life as Jay-z and Beyonce’s baby girl. She waves around a microphone rattle and demands a little Cristal in her bottle every night.

    Dale Jr.-Gets my name listed in the newspapers with all the speeding tickets he gets. Wears lots of flannel and chews tobacco.

    Haden Ranger Randolph- 14-year-old boy. Plays video games non-stop, eats pizza and drinks Red Bull. Came to once with a broken arm from a skateboard trick he attempted involving my car and a piece of plywood. He is not smart.

    I hope to develop a personality that is some sort of genius and can figure out a way for me to pick winning lottery tickets. Until then, I will just pray that I don’t go bankrupt from Bertha’s pizza deliveries and the hospital bills from hanging with Haden.