I am worried about my mother. After a knee replacement surgery in October she has done nothing but shop on QVC and HSN. It is now January. She can walk perfectly fine now so there is no reason to stay propped up in a recliner shopping all day now, but that’s what’s going on.
Every time I go to visit her she has QVC on. If there is a sale or something coming up that she wants to watch but is about to fall asleep, she will even record it! Who records QVC? My crazy mother, that’s who.
The last few times I have been over there UPS has left a package on her porch and she needs me to haul it in for her. Then you have to sit and watch her open it (she insists you see her latest prize). I have seen clothing, winter coats, purses, bras and an 8 quart pot that is a find because they normally only come in 5.5 quarts. Why someone cooking for one would need an 8 quart pot is beyond me.
For Christmas, she bought a friend of mine a gift on QVC. I knew it was something horrible when she tells my friend, “Now please do not take offense that I bought this for you. If it makes you feel any better, I bought one for myself too.” My eyeballs were popping out of my head when my friend un-wraps “Lindo Twist-N-Roll Facial Hair Removal Tweezers”. It is basically a giant spring that you roll over your face and it rips the hair off.
“Oh my God, mom! Why the hell would you buy that for someone?” I yelled.
“If you had ever had me some grandchildren you would need some of these too. Once you have kids you start growing hairs in the strangest places and in bunches,” she replied.
When we left that night I must have apologized to my friend thirty times. “I am so sorry. Really, what an awful gift. I am pretty sure she is off her meds so please just forgive her. In another year or so I will probably have to move her into a home so I am just going to humor her until then.”
“Chanin, this is my favorite Christmas present. I love it!” she said.
I know someone else who must be off their meds. Lunatics I am dealing with.
My mother’s latest obsession is Paula Deen’s (do not mention her name around my mother after the whole diabetes announcement or you will hear this, “Greedy, greedy whore!”) Ham Sausage. Yes, you read correctly…ham sausage. She has purchased a case of this crap and just randomly passes it out when she goes places.
“I went to get my hair cut and colored today and gave my hair dresser two packages of ham sausage,” she told me.
“I hope you didn’t consider that her tip. Most people prefer cash over sausage these days,” I replied.
“Oh, you’re so funny. Why don’t you go blog about it?” she asked.
Thank you. I just did.