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  1. Acupuncture Anecdote

    August 20, 2015 by C.

    Razor scars

    Razor scars

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    If I think I can improve upon my life even just a bit, I am open and willing to try anything. That is what led me to acupuncture.

    Hearing it could help with things as simple as headaches and as complicated as depression and weight loss, I knew I had to give it a shot. After doing my research, I found a lady in town who has practiced for over twenty years and called to set up the appointment.

     

    “Look, I am fat, I have a really bad knee and plantar fasciitis. Can you fix me up?”

    “Ahhhh oh no. Only treat two tings at one time”.

    “Ok, well how much will it cost?”

    “Seventy dollar a treatment.”

    “Holy shit that’s expensive!”

    “You health important.”

    “Yeah, yeah I will be there.”

    Her office is a house on a busy street. I kept my head down as I walked the long sidewalk up to the front door. I could just feel the eyes from the passengers in the passing cars staring judgingly at me and thinking to themselves, “What an idiot! Everyone knows acupuncture doesn’t work and holy shit is it expensive!” I nervously pushed open the front door and went inside.

    It was a normal house on the inside with cheap laminate flooring and the same beige colored walls most houses seem to have these days. The only difference being the living room is now a waiting room with the typical ugly navy blue chairs and tables with stacks of outdated magazines to peruse while you wait. I barely got in the chair when an older Asian woman came around the corner pushing a clipboard full of paperwork for me to fill out and just nodded at me like, “Do it now!” She backed out of the room as fast as she came in. One of the pages was the ultimate list of what could be wrong with you. I checked off every single box I could think I have had no matter how long ago. Male pattern baldness? Check. Pretty sure my Mom told me I had that when I was two.

    She came back in to get me and discuss some of the items I checked on my list. I kept waiting for her to ask me about my baldness but it never came up. Instead she asked to see my tongue. I stuck out my tongue and she just shook her head. Of all things for me to be insecure about, I am now afraid for anyone to see my tongue because obviously it looks like something a sick and dying animal would have hanging out of their mouth. I got home that night and stared at my tongue for hours. It looked pretty normal to me, but what do I know? I am certainly not an Asian tongue expert.

    She escorted me to one of the rooms and told me to remove my shoes and socks and she would be back. I have hated needles since I was a kid. I was really dreading this and very nervous about having a ton of needles sticking out all over my body. She re-entered the room and announced she would be treating me for weight loss and my bad knee. She took a cotton swab with alcohol and rubbed down various parts of my body. Before I could scream “Kelly Clarkson”, I had a needle sticking out of my forehead.

    I had assumed the thrusts of the needles going in would be the worst part of all of this but I was mistaken. The worst part was when she grabbed each needle and wiggled it around inside of me and said, “You feel dis?”
    “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! YES, I FEEL DIS!”

    After every single needle had been maneuvered to fish for various organs, she said, “Relax, I be back”.

    Relax?????????????????????????????????????

    I took a deep breath and tried. I actually dozed off for a few minutes. When I woke up my first thought was, I have to document this. So I shoved my hand down into the pocket of my shorts to grab my cell phone and, it was then I remembered, I had needles stuck in my hand. I released the phone and slowly brought my hand back out. A few of the needles had blood running out of them. I frantically searched the room for a tissue and found none. I carefully started wiping the blood with the underside of the t-shirt I was wearing. I just had a feeling if the woman walked in and I had to explain what had happened, she might shove a million more needles in my head after diagnosing me with mental illness.

    Just as I got cleaned up, she walked in with tiny stickers and started attaching them to my left ear. I asked what it was for and she explained it would help keep my appetite in control. When I got hungry, all I had to do was squeeze one of these little Band-Aids and, like magic, I wouldn’t want to eat. Well, that actually sounded pretty cool and I couldn’t wait to try it out.

    She quickly removed all the needles and told me it was over. Once I had gathered all my things, I headed to her office to settle up. I could not believe the first step I took on my bad knee. I was walking like a normal person again. It was a miracle. Because of how I felt, I made another appointment for the following week.

    Once in my car, I took a peek at the baby Band-Aids placed on the inside and outside of my ear. What in the world would people think? I know if I saw someone with this mess going on I would assume the person was having hormone issues and had to shave their hairy ears and the razor slipped a few times. I glanced at it again in the mirror. Oh hell. That is EXACTLY what it looks like.

    Sigh. Between my hairy ear scars and my diseased tongue, my self-confidence was at an all-time low. Next week, I would have to ask her if she has a needle to fix that.

     

     


  2. Chipmunk Thieves Wanted By Colorado Authorities

    June 8, 2015 by C.

    You poor little bastard!

    You poor little bastard!

     

     

    The past couple of years I have tried to make a point of going on vacation with friends. So far, just road trip type of vacations where we drive for hours to get to our destination and then just chill. Last November, I rented a beach house in Alabama with my Wisconsin friend (shout-out to my exceptional travel companion, Kim Fuller!). We had such a great time, we got along splendidly and it was pretty cost-effective too.

    I am going to try it again this June with a couple of different friends, Cindy and Tackett. We have rented a cabin beside the Big Thompson River in Colorado and will spend four days there just relaxing. Well, that is my plan anyway. The other two have mentioned hiking in Rocky Mountain National Park, taking a haunted tour of the Stanley hotel and last, but not least…chasing furry animals. Yes, you heard that correctly. They are going to spend their days around the cabin trying to cuddle with the wildlife.

    After several days of trying to explain to them just how dangerous this would be, I decided to give up. Their responses were, “Stop talking!” And “you just don’t like animals”. So if they can cuddle a bunny and happen to get eaten by the bear that sneaks up on them, I am not to be held responsible because I tried to warn them. I just hope this doesn’t go down around the cabin so I have to sit and watch or perhaps be considered dessert.

    But the most humorous conversation between these two has been about chipmunks.

    Cindy: “Isn’t it funny how pot is legal in Colorado but we are just going to chase furry animals?”

    Tackett: “Furry animals are more fun. People who smoke pot just eat a ton and we will actually be burning calories by chasing them around!”

    Me: Massively rolling my eyeballs around in my head.

    Cindy: “I really want to cuddle with a chipmunk. They are so cute!”

    Tackett: “Oh, I know…adorable!”

    Cindy: “I have a brilliant idea! Let’s stop and get some pot snacks, crumble them up and get the chipmunks high! That should make it easier to capture them!”

    Tackett: “YES!!!!!!!!”

    Me: “OMG and while you two are doing that I will crumble up Nacho Cheese Doritos and Twinkies and leave a trail so when they get the munchies they will come right into our cabin and will be trapped! You can cuddle them all night long and take them home as pets!”

    Cindy and Tackett simultaneously: “YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!”

    Me: “You two are idiots. Those are tiny little animals and the least amount of pot will probably kill them.”

    Cindy: “You don’t know that. What are you some sort of pot expert???”

    Me: “Well no, but you can’t just assume it will work the same in a chipmunk as it does a human.”

    Tackett: “Well, we are going to try it. You will be so jealous when we have chipmunks to take home as pets. We aren’t going to give you one unless you make the Dorito/Twinkie trail for them. That actually sounds really cool, like something I would want to try.”

    Me: “I don’t want a damn wild animal to take home, thank you very much! And is it even legal to remove wildlife like that??? You two are so going to prison and can be someone’s bitch all because you wanted to cuddle a stupid chipmunk. Hahahahahahaha!”

    Cindy and Tackett simultaneously: “Chipmunks aren’t stupid!!!!!”

    Sigh. We are a little more than a week away from leaving on this trip. Please pray for me and the chipmunks.


  3. If Women Had Penises

    February 23, 2015 by C.

    Yes, please!

    Yes, please!

     

     

    My niece and nephew came to stay with me for a few days after Christmas. We had a blast like we always do. I delivered them back home safely and went back to my normal, boring life.

    A few days after they had left, I had a friend over. She had been drinking a ton of tea (told you I have a boring life… I don’t have any party animal friends) and she needed to use the restroom. A few minutes later she comes out of the guest bathroom and says, “I think your nephew might have missed the toilet because there is urine on the back of it, by the tank.”

    I rarely go into my guest bathroom. It is just that…a room for guests to do their business and the owner to just clean occasionally.

    “WHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?????????,”  was my response to her. 

    “Boys seem to have a hard time hitting the target, it’s pretty normal. I mean he is only five, Chanin.”

    “Well, that is just unacceptable. The least he could have done was told me and I would have cleaned it up, but now I am humiliated because I have urine all over my guest bathroom toilet and you saw it first.”

    “Men do this too. I’m surprised you haven’t had more issues with it.”

    Men do this on a regular basis????????????? How? Why??? I don’t understand how this happens on a regular basis and if grown men do this, why in the hell don’t they clean up after themselves??? Apparently, I have only had very neat and clean men in my home. 

    Here is what I know. If a woman had a penis, she would NEVER miss the toilet. Not only that, she would put her penis to work and not just in the porn industry.

    1. There would be no more need for Smokey the Bear because women would just wander around forests waiting to put out fires with their new and handy fire extinguisher.

    2. A woman would be able to create art with her new penis.

    3. A woman would become a world-renowned ice sculptor using her penis much more precisely than a cumbersome chainsaw (although this method would take much longer than a chainsaw).

    4.  A woman would tie a line to that thing and fish while swimming in a lake (because we are multi-tasking creatures).

    5. Invent a snap on case that with the push of a button turns into a light saber and use it to fight evildoers.

    6. We would be smart enough to know that our manhood isn’t measured by the width and length of it. This would make us supremely secure in ourselves and less likely to be assholes.

    7. Dress it in outfits and throw puppet shows at strip clubs.

    Really, the possibilities are endless.

    It would also be so satisfying to make the money men make just because they have one of those things and also standing while urinating seems like such a wonderful time saver.

    Sadly, God did not make us with one of those handy tools so we will have to continue sitting on toilets to urinate and making less money, but at least our sex is better organized, much more attractive and always right.


  4. 40 Things About Me

    January 23, 2015 by C.

    For inquiring minds...

    For inquiring minds…

     

     

    I put this together for all of my stalkers and those who just feel the need to know more about me. I apologize in advance. Well, except to my stalkers who are thrilled beyond belief. You’re welcome.

    1.       I hate being outside.

    2.      Mainly because of bugs.

    3.      One time a bee crawled in my pop can while I was golfing. It stung the inside of my upper lip. My lip was huge. Bees don’t taste good in case you were wondering. 

    4.      I love any kind of storm (yes, even snow).

    5.      Rainy days are my favorite…especially if the weather is cooler, like in the 50’s.

    6.      I was in a rock band in high school. I played guitar, but really wanted to play drums.

    7.      I have a set of drums in storage.

    8.     I don’t play them because I am scared of all the bugs in the storage unit.

    9.      Bugs freak me the hell out.

    10.  I love kids in small doses, except for my niece and nephew. I would like a dose of them daily, but they live two hours away.

    11.   I never had kids of my own because I knew my cursing, eating cereal for dinner (Lucky Charms and Fruitty Pebbles)  and my love of staying up all hours would not be healthy for a child.

    12.  Also, I would lock them outside to play all the time, like even in the winter or overnight.

    13.  And I am super selfish and love to spend all my money on zombie toys, books, and Oreos.

    14.  Plus I HATE eating at McDonald’s. It is so gross. I was told once they use cow eyeballs as meat filler. No thanks. But kids love that shit, so no kids for me!

    15.   I however LOVE eating Papa John’s pizza and drinking Cokes.

    16.  I don’t drink alcohol. Ever. I know you probably find that hard to believe since many of my posts are about wine or drinking, but that is not the case. I have allergies to alcohol and I am never sure what will set them off, so I just avoid it altogether. I put those posts up for all of you. Yes, I am super sweet and considerate.

    17.   I have been known to sniff quite a bit of glue, though.

    18.  Not really. My mom just had a heart attack. Sorry Mom!

    19.  My mom lives in the duplex next to mine. I write about her all the time because I think she is very funny (especially when she doesn’t mean to be). She has threatened to sue me many times. I try to make her understand that it will all pay off for her one day (that means she might get a nursing home with activities like basket weaving AND also has attentive aides to wipe her butt).

    20. I have always been determined to be semi-famous. My autograph has been perfected and I am ready for my 1st book signing. Guess I just need to actually write a book.

    21.  I have started approximately 204 books but have not gotten past the 1st chapter of any of them.

    22. I suck.

    23. One of my most favorite things in the world is breakfast buffet. Especially in Vegas.

    24. I hate going to Vegas though.

    25.  I have two dream vacations…one to Italy so I can eat my weight in pasta and hang with George Clooney at Lake Como. 2nd one is a trip to Los Angeles to do nothing but stalk TV and movies stars for a week.

    26. I collect autographs of celebrities and athletes through the mail.

    27.  Out of all of them that have been returned to me signed, the one that truly made me get tears in my eyes was Carol Burnett. I have loved her and her show since I was a child.

    28. I love movies and I am a snob about them.

    29.  Such a snob, I have never watched Dumb and Dumber or Happy Gilmore. I HATE Dirty Dancing and Ghost.

    30. I am also a book snob. Hated Twilight and 50 Shades.

    31.My friends get irritated with me because I make fun of their enjoyment of such movies and books.

    32.  I  had to have one such friend go with me to get my ears pierced when I was 26-years-old, because I hate needles and I was scared to death.

    33. I still hate needles.

    34. I would never make a very good druggie.

    35. I would however be an excellent drug dealer.

    36.  I really want to learn how to shoot guns.

    37. I also want to learn how to throw knives like a ninja.

    38.  I might be a little weird.

    39. Ok, I am a lot weird.

    40. I love each and every person for taking the time out of their day to come to this page and read the things I write. Thank you so very, very much.


  5. Goodbye 2014

    December 31, 2014 by C.

    2015 is gonna rock!

    2015 is gonna rock!

     

     

    As 2014 comes to a close, I can’t help but to think back to the time when I first started writing the Happy Pills blog and I introduced the Happy Pills Facebook page to go along with it.

    When first starting my blog, I was told I should avoid using “Happy Pills”. It might offend people on antidepressants. Well, guess what? I am on antidepressants myself and no one knows the value of those precious pills more than I do. If it has ever offended anyone, I never heard about it.

     

    My main focus in life the past eight years was to be a writer and to make people laugh. That is still my main focus. However, I do less writing now and spend more time on my Happy Pills Facebook page. I have been told it is a “waste of your time” and “you should focus on your writing and forget about that Facebook page”. I have had friends tell me that some of my posts are “disgusting”, “disturbing” and “not funny”. I have had people tell me I should be embarrassed by some of the things I post. At one point in 2014, I almost shut the page down because of all the negative comments I had received.

    So, to all the haters and negative wankers…I am still here. I am still posting funny stuff all day long, 7 days a week. I am still spending way too much time looking for funny stuff on the internet to share with everyone, but I am also writing. In 2014, I submitted three stories for contests, another four stories for possible publication and I am working on a book series (I hope to have the first out by summer of 2015). I was elected as Vice President of my Writers Guild. I feel like I do a fairly decent job of balancing the two things. And if all that ever comes of the Happy Pills Fan page is making people laugh, then I see that as a huge success. 

    Also in 2014, my Facebook fan page went from 1397 likes to 6199 (as I am writing this)…an increase of 4802! I am so proud of that. To me, that is proof positive I am doing something right, no matter how many people tell me it is so wrong.

    I know the whole “New Year, New You” thing is so overdone and annoying, but in 2015 I am setting a goal of 25,000 likes by this time next year. I will have a self-published e-book out for sale on Amazon and I will keep on making people laugh. That last part is the most important, because without you guys, there would be no need for me. Your comments and interactions with me keeps me plugging along and offers encouragement, not to mention, entertains me. I appreciate every single like, share and comment I receive and no matter how many people like this page, I will make sure I read every comment and give you a “like” to let you know I saw it. Thank you so very much for spending time with me on my page.

    I want to wish you all a Happy New Year and I hope big things happen for all of us in 2015!


  6. Light Starch, Please

    September 26, 2014 by C.

    My home away from home.

    My home away from home.

     

     

    Laundry. I hate it. Is there really anyone in the world who likes to do laundry? My hatred of laundry has me taking many of my clothes to the dry cleaners to wash and press for me.

    I have a history with dry cleaners. When I lived in Colorado, I worked from home and it was lovely. But occasionally, I would need something pressed for an evening out.

    There was a dry cleaner in the shopping center behind my house. A beautiful Korean woman worked there and seemed to always be the only person in the store. Over the years I learned her name…Mi Cha. She was always very pleasant. Well, almost always.

    I constantly have stains on my shirts. I am a food dribbler.  I have often been tempted to carry around a bib with me when eating out in public.

    This stain was mustard. I tried to get it out before taking it to her but I had no luck. I walked up to the counter and opened up the shirt to show her the stain and as I opened my mouth to explain it was mustard, she looked at me and said, “You eat too much!”

    I immediately died laughing. She was very serious and seemed pretty angry about the mustard stain, but I just couldn’t stop laughing. My overweight body was jiggling from laughter and I think she felt somewhat better stating the obvious. I never had any issues after that. Not even the next week when I brought in a shirt with crusted ketchup on it.

    After moving back home from Colorado, I had to find a new place to take my clothes. After a couple of trips to one I found that was on my way to work, I really hit it off with Rachel, the woman who works the drive through window. I have been back home for five years now and we have gotten to know each other very well.

    I hate shopping for new clothes. Lately, I have been purchasing more and more from eBay. Once they arrive in the mail, I take them directly to Rachel to work her magic.

    One shirt in particular had Rachel all wound up when I went to pick up my clothes.

    “Why in the world did you pick out this shirt??? It is so NOT you. You know what you are going to look like in this shirt???? An impregnated peasant girl. Lace??? Ruffles? You??? Um, no. Take it back or set fire to it,” she said.

    Later that day I tried it on and was so pissed off to see that she was absolutely correct.

    Being the good sport that I am, I invited her over for the burning of the shirt; we made S’mores and laughed all night. Well actually, until I dropped burnt marshmallow and melting chocolate on my shirt and she gave me that evil dry cleaner stink eye and told me, “You eat too much!”

     

     


  7. A Hairy Ordeal

    August 19, 2014 by C.

    What a little shit!

    What a little shit!

     

     

     

    At age forty-three, I have been put into bifocals. As the doctor was telling me this, he saw the panic in my eyes and said to me, “Don’t think about this like it’s happening because you are getting old…just think about it like you have been really hard on your eyes and they are worn out and need some help.”

    Whatever, you young little shit.

    In my depression after finding this out, I decided I needed a cheeseburger, like a really greasy one and some fries and a milkshake too. *DO NOT JUDGE ME!*

    I got home with my heart attack in a sack and went to town. After a few bites, I thought I felt a hair in my mouth.

    GROSS,  I am never going there again. 

    I was feeling around in my mouth, but couldn’t feel it there anymore. I took the burger apart and saw nothing. Weird. I slapped it all back together and commenced with eating my depressed feelings.

    Son of a bitch! There’s that hair again!

    Again, I took the burger completely apart…I still didn’t see anything…I was feeling around in my mouth and I didn’t feel the hair anymore, but I was feeling extremely crazy.

    I took another bite. I felt the hair again. I just froze. A thought suddenly occurred to me. I slowly walked to the bathroom without chewing any further and leaned into the mirror.

    There growing out of my upper lip was a blonde hair that was so long it could reach just inside my mouth. I dropped my burger on the floor and started screaming from the shock of it all.

    How long has that been there???

    What a bunch of shitty friends I have for not telling me I have a wild hair growing out of my face!

    Bifocals and now this…I might as well go shopping for my funeral arrangements tomorrow. 

    The very best part of this story is it took me an entire hour to find the damn hair again in order to pluck it out because my bifocals wouldn’t be ready for two weeks.

    Getting old really sucks.

     


  8. Taser Twins

    August 3, 2014 by C.

    ZAP!

    ZAP!

     

     

     

    My mom has gotten increasingly nervous about Lurch across the street. It seems to be about the only thing she talks about anymore.

    “Lurch was standing on his front porch when I got home from the grocery store today. I think he saw me leave this morning and went and stood there until I got back so he can get a good look. He is so weird. I am scared one of these days he is going to kill us both.”

     

    Every day when I get home I get some sort of phone call from her with the updates of what Lurch has been up to all day long and how scared she is of him. I guess she hasn’t realized it is just as creepy that she watches him all day long.

    Lurch’s mom called her the other day saying that Lurch noticed we hadn’t left the house in three days (we were gone on our vacation) and he started to come over to investigate but she stopped him. Mom tells her that we were on vacation (in Tennessee?????) and that she really isn’t much of a social neighbor hoping Mama Lurch would get the hint.

    I hate to see my mom so worried about this dude. She found out he is on disability from Mama Lurch so he has nothing better to do than to sit and stare at our house and download porn (that last part was according to my mom). So this morning I saw a deal on buy one taser, get the other free.

    “Mom, I got us matching pink tasers!”

    “For what?”

    “Well, just keep it at home and if Lurch shows up you can taser his ass.”

    “I am going to sleep with it right by my bed every night!”

    She clearly got excited.

    “Wait, how do you know they work?”

    “I don’t know…I guess you just have faith that they will shock the shit out of someone…”

    “What can we try it out on?”

    “Um, nothing?”

    “That’s no fun. I want to know if it works or not.”

    I have this fear she is going to sneak into my house in the middle of the night and try hers out on me. She scares me more than Lurch ever did. This just might be the worst idea I have ever had.


  9. From One Chanin to Another

    July 13, 2014 by C.

    Chanin Hale on cover of TV Guide.

    Chanin Hale on cover of TV Guide.

     

     

     

    My mother and father were looking for baby names for the future me. One evening my mom was looking through a TV Guide (not the one pictured) and in a listing for a show that night she noticed the name “Chanin Hale”. She wasn’t sure how it was pronounced but to her it was “Chan” as in Jackie Chan and then “in”. She ran it past my father and rest is history.

     

    I have been collecting celebrity and athlete autographs through the mail for years now. One day I just thought it would be cool to have her sign something for me. So I Googled her and saw that she was still alive (she will turn 76 in September) and I wrote her a letter explaining how I had gotten my name from hers. I apologized for not having seen any shows she had been in…but that I would be thrilled to have her autograph. I also asked her how she pronounced it…I am very curious about that.

    I came home on Friday and in the mail was a thank you card from Chanin Hale.

    The card

    The card

     

    In it she thanks me for my letter. Tells me she has been busy taking care of her older husband (he is 97) and that she will get her things together and send my photo back autographed and answer all the questions I had for her. She even thanked me for being patient!

    I cannot wait to receive the autograph along with all the answers I have been wanting for a very long time now. It just thrills me to know that she seems like a very nice and cool lady…makes me happy that we share the same name.


  10. Like a Good Neighbor, Stay Over There

    June 5, 2014 by C.

    LURCH

    LURCH looks like Boo Radley!

     

     

    A very nice older couple lived across the street from us. When I say “nice” I mean they left us the hell alone, only waving occasionally.

    They moved away and in moves Lurch and his mom. If I were to guess, I would say Lurch is in his mid-forties and to put it mildly, there is something wrong with him.

    Now, before I get a million e-mails calling me an asshole for making fun of the mentally challenged, please let me say if he had just stayed on his side of the street and left us alone, I would have had no clue there was something wrong with him. So, this is really all his fault. And as far as I can tell, it’s not something he was born with…I am thinking it’s more along the lines of taking a bath while making toast.

    My mother is actually to blame for this. She is the one who went over to introduce herself and offer them access to our storm shelter in case of tornadoes. He stalks her the most and I think that is fitting since she got it started. I can tell you right now, I think I would prefer to attempt to outrun the tornado than to be locked in a small confined space with this weirdo.

    We receive Valentine’s gifts, Easter gifts, cupcakes and various other expressions of his affection. Neither of them work so they just sit in their living room and watch what we do day and night. An example:

    Lurch to Mom: Hello, there.  I just came to checks on ya. Saw your daughter hauling you around everywhere dis week. Hope you are ok.

    Mom: Um, yes I am fine. She was on vacation and took me to dinner. Once.

    The time he brought over the Valentine’s gifts he snuck up behind me in the garage. Scared the living shit out of me. No more of that. I have started shutting the garage door the minute I pull in. Believe it or not, it is worth the risk of carbon monoxide poisoning.

    His latest trick is pulling up my mom’s trash cart after the trash has been collected. Apparently, shutting the garage door has pissed him off because he leaves mine at the curb. What. a. bastard.

    My mom is finally starting to get a little nervous about the situation as every time she speaks with him he comments on what cars were at our house and when. We have both closed our blinds and stay trapped in our homes ever since hearing some of his comments.

    He has her so creeped out now that she comes over without my knowledge every evening to lock the door in my garage that goes into the house. I had to tease her about it and of course she feels he is going to pop open my  garage door and come on in.

    I can imagine his response as he is standing over my bed in the middle of the night.

    “Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww where is the mom??????????????”

     


  11. I Am An Idiot Part 3,756

    April 19, 2014 by C.

    Looks awkward, but helps you get a deep and rested sleep.

    Looks awkward, but helps you get a deep and rested sleep.

     

     

     

     

     

    I was put on a sleep apnea machine about three years ago. In those three years, I have seen my doctor three times.  Once a year he reads the card I bring in from the machine and makes adjustments if necessary.

     

    Last week I had an appointment.  I cannot describe to you how much better this machine makes me feel, so typically I am in a great mood when I see him. Not a soul in the waiting room, it didn’t take long to be escorted to the back.

    He slowly opens the door and walks in.  Being over eager and happy to be there, I said “Hello Dr. Blake!”

    Dr. Blake looked at me as if I were on huge amounts of drugs.  Then he slowly smiled and said, “Hello”.  He asked me a few questions about how things were going with my machine and then wrote a prescription for two more years of parts for the machine.  As we walked out he said, “See you in two years.”

    I paid the woman my co-pay in cash and rushed to meet some friends for lunch.  It wasn’t until late that night, when I took the appointment card out of my pocket that I realized why he looked at me so funny.

    His name is Dr. Little.


  12. Daily Rituals of an Insane Woman

    April 10, 2014 by C.

    How lovely

    How lovely

     

     

     

    I read a book last week called, “How Artists Work: Daily Rituals” by Mason Currey. The book discusses the daily rituals of all sorts of artists, dancers, and writers.  The majority are subjects from long ago, like Mark Twain and Van Gogh, so their days were filled with coffee, cigarettes, and visitors.  Most got up very early in the morning, before the sun and began to write while the house was still quiet.  Many would work all night and take naps during the day.

    Here is an example of Beethoven’s day:

    “Beethoven rose at dawn and wasted little time getting down to work. His breakfast was coffee, which he prepared himself with great care-he determined sixty beans per cup, and he often counted them out one by one for a precise dose.  Then he sat at his desk until 2:00 or 3:00, taking the occasional break to walk outdoors, which aided his creativity.”

    You get the drift.  BORING.

    That got me thinking…I wonder what mine would read like 50 years from now.  Let’s just assume I go on to be a mega-comedy writer.  Tons of books sold, a few TV appearances and a few books turned into movies.  Here is how I think it would read…

    “Bissinger would wake around 10 each morning.  It took her an hour every morning to choke down all the supplements she felt she needed after watching many episodes of “The Dr. Oz Show”.  Then she would grab a giant Coke out of the fridge and eat a few Nutty Bars.

    Her first priority would be to check Facebook.  She spent way too much time on Facebook.  In fact, we calculated that she could have written 23 more bestsellers had she rarely visited the site.  She then would check her email accounts (10 of them), then Twitter and then her blog.  By this time, it was 2 pm and time for lunch.  Papa Johns delivered precisely at 2:15 pm every other day.  She thought cooking was such a waste of time.

    After her lunch, she would work for maybe 2 hours before playing Call of Duty, the video game, for anywhere from 2-4 hours straight.  From her biography, “Damn, I’m Awesome”; she shared that, “blowing people up with grenades really helps to inspire my creativity.”

    After video games, she would heat up leftover pizza for dinner and work at her desk until around midnight.  Then she would retire to her recliner and catch up on TV shows recorded on her dvr.  Her favorites were The Walking Dead, Girls, Modern Family, and Game of Thrones.

    Ms. Bissinger was very weird.  She rarely left her home.  Even more rarely did she have visitors.  She believed in Feng Shui and had many Oriental items around her home, such as Fu Dogs and lucky coins. She also loved to read so much her entire home became something of a Hoarders episodes with books piled from floor to ceiling.  Her favorite thing to do was to go sit out in her remodeled chicken coop and read.”

    Yea, that sounds pretty accurate.

     

     


  13. My Teeth Are Smithsonian Quality

    March 22, 2014 by C.

    Perfection!

    Perfection!

     

     

     

    I look forward to dental appointments.  The excitement leading up to those appointments is comparable to Christmas and a new season of Downton Abbey.  Many consider my excitement as highly unusual.  I post on Facebook, “Dentist appointment today, so excited!!!!” only to get more negative responses than Miley Cyrus got for her VMA performance.

    Going to the dentist is great for my self-esteem.  My dentist is in love with my teeth.

    “You have the most beautiful teeth,” she says.

    That is normal for every visit.  I know you are probably thinking that I must have teeth as perfect as Beyonce’s.  They are just perfect in structure.  You see, I am in my 40’s and have never had a cavity.  I have never had any work done in my mouth that would require a shot from the dentist except when my wisdom teeth were removed and that doesn’t count because I had to go to an oral surgeon for that.

    “Look, at your beautiful teeth.  It is as if they have never been used…they are museum quality,” she said on my last visit.

    Say what?  Museum quality?  My teeth should be in the freaking Smithsonian, bitches!

    “You still have your mamelons.  It is very rare for an adult your age to still have these.”  She runs her finger along the bumps on the ends of my teeth.

    “Most adults have ground these down just by eating, but most of yours are still intact.  Simply amazing.  You take such good care of your teeth, it is so obvious.”

    That is the thing.  I really have not.  My mother took more than the recommended daily dose of calcium when pregnant with me and that is how I explain all of this.  I only brush my teeth once a day and floss maybe once a month.  My teeth should be rotting out of my head due to the amount of sugar I consume and the lack of time I spend cleaning them.

    She gets so excited to see me though; I cannot break her heart and tell her I am a slacker when it comes to dental care.  I will be honest…I do not want to tell her because I do not get compliments very often.  The biggest compliment I have gotten in my life was when a woman told me I look a lot like KD Lang and really, can that be considered a compliment?  I think not.

    “I should use photos of your teeth for an advertisement of my dental practice.”

    I immediately start to consider how much money one can make as a mouth model and what my business cards would look like.  My slogan would be, “Where else you gonna find adult mamelons?  Just call me.”

    These cards would be a little weird in France as mamelons translates into the word, “nipple”.

    “Where else you gonna find adult nipples?  Just call me.”  How much do nipple models make??? I might be moving to France.

     


  14. Best Friends Forever

    March 6, 2014 by C.

    Scary bitches!

    Scary bitches!

     

     

     

    Since Monday was my bestie’s birthday, I decided to let her write a guest blog post. Here it is…

    The year was 1988; the place was the high school locker room.  Becky, my friend, asked if I ever noticed the girl who always changed by us and how she never took off her T-Shirt.  I must admit I didn’t, but the next gym class by god I would be looking into this weirdo that wore her sweaty shirt all day.  After another week we decided we would talk to this quiet weirdo and ask to join our gym dweeb club, this was the beginning of a life-long friendship between Chanin and Cindy.

    I knew our friendship was getting serious when she asked me over for dinner.  I debated on going wonder if it was all fancy and I would use the wrong fork or it was something weird that I didn’t like and I would be forced to eat it and smile and fake liking it. This was a stressful thing for a 16-year-old.  I showed up anyway and found out it was Chanin’s favorite meal….Bar-B-Q Bologna sandwiches. WHAT!!!!  Who eats that and where was the pot roast and potatoes???   And get this…we sat on the couch and watched TV while we ate, at that moment I decided I LOVED THIS FAMILY!!!

    Years later we took a trip to Nashville so I could meet the love of my life Randy Travis (I was only 18 give me a break).  We stayed with her dad and step-mother and got to drive the new Cadillac. We were told under NO circumstances were we to eat in that car, yeah right they obviously had never encountered hungry Cindy and it isn’t pretty.  We were tooling around in this pimping Caddy eating fries with the map out of Nashville, Chanin is driving when the tornado sirens sound and she starts screaming at me.

    Chanin:  WHERE ARE WE??? TELL ME HOW TO GET HOME

    ME: TELL ME WHAT STREET WE ARE ON

    Chanin:  HOW DO I KNOW, READ THE DAMN MAP, GOD YOU SUCK AT READING MAPS!!! WE ARE GONNA DIE!

    Me: (with a mouth full of fries) STOP YELLING AT ME!!!!

    This was the first of many near death experiences we had together and I blame Chanin for all of them.

    In the late 80’s when the Queen of Rock and Roll came to town…that’s right people, I am talking about Joan Jett.  We got our tickets and decided to dress like her with white face, black lipstick, eyeliner and all black clothing; we were rocking!!!  After the concert we were going for fries and spotted her bus, we followed it on the Interstate and got up next to it honking and waving like crazy girls with Chanin screaming “SHOW THEM YOUR BOOBS” over and over.  At this point in time I had no boobs so they wouldn’t have been too impressed.  The ungrateful son of a bitch bus driver ran us off the road!!!  I swore I saw my life flash before my eyes and I think I feel asleep!

    I have many more stories, but those will have to keep for a later day.  Chanin and I have been through a lot in these 26 years, but one thing has remained the same; we still make each other laugh and we still piss each other off.  But I couldn’t image my life if I hadn’t met that gym class weirdo all those years ago!

     

     


  15. The Shit Turtle: A Family Heirloom

    February 23, 2014 by C.

    Climb on board!

    Climb on board!

     

     

     

     

    As a Christmas gift one year, my great-grandfather made a wooden turtle for each of us. He was a shoe cobbler (if you have no idea what that is, Google it) and he was very handy with tools. The turtle’s body was in one piece and the legs and head were screwed on. The wooden back was covered in carpet and was just the right size for a child to sit on. We quickly discovered the turtle was also strong enough for us to stand on and then jump off of it, which made it even more fun to play with.

    My great-grandfather had long since passed away when one of my aunt’s children had used the turtle to stand on while brushing her teeth and had forgotten it. For whatever reason, my aunt decided to use it to prop up her feet while going to the bathroom. She found that the turtle made going #2 much easier and thus the “shit turtle” was born.

    As I got older and was living on my own, the turtle was simply used as a footstool. Then one day in my late twenties, I became constipated for the first time in my life. I tried every remedy other than taking laxatives that was out there. It didn’t work. Then I remembered back to my aunt and her experience with the shit turtle. It was worth a try.

    The turtle worked, my friends. It was at that point I started using the turtle more frequently. I even came up with a special place for the turtle to sit. It was now an honored member of my family.

    I moved several times and during one of my moves, the turtle was dropped and a leg was broken off. I tried to use wood glue and re-attach his leg. It just would not stay on. It was with deep regret, I threw my turtle in the trash (at that time I did not know the full story of the shit turtle).

    Oh, how I missed my turtle. I sunk so low, that at one point I even tried to steal my sister’s. No one wanted to be without their shit turtle. For whatever reason, the thought of using a normal foot stool never crossed my mind. It just wouldn’t be the same.

    I have shared this story over the years with a few of my friends and one year as a Christmas gift, I received a small white foot stool, which was given to me as a replacement for the shit turtle. I just laughed and used it as a table for my sleep apnea machine. There was no replacing the turtle.

    But one day I got desperate. I don’t like being uncomfortable in that way at all. I had just finished eating raw pumpkin (something I saw on Pinterest) and it wasn’t working. I threw all my sleep apnea equipment on the floor and gave it a try. It was a bit too high compared to the turtle, but it worked.

    My mom recently brought over this catalog with items for aging consumers. She thought she was being funny, because I am only 42, but I’m falling apart. I flipped a few pages into it and some of the items actually did look appealing to me. Then I got to page 43 and what do I see???

     

    Excellent!

    Excellent!

    That’s right. The “Re-Lax Toilet Footrest, it converts your modern toilet into the most natural position for healthy elimination—the squat”. I love the inset of the cartoon figure assuming the position as a demonstration.  The best part is they are selling for $39 plus shipping. I should have been manufacturing shit turtles in my garage for years. I would have been rich by now!

    I can’t help but to think of Pa working away, making these turtles by hand with love. He passed away when I was only 3-years-old, so I didn’t really know him, but I am sure he would not be shocked to know that our family has taken his sweet gift and shit on it. Literally.