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  1. Caught Up in The Rapture

    May 20, 2011 by C.

    Well, it looks like tomorrow will be the beginning of the end of the world as we know it, at least according to Harold Camping. Camping is the head of the Family Radio broadcasting network. He has conjured up some mathematical equation that is telling him Judgment Day is May 21st, 2011. Oh, beginning at 6pm. Approximately 3% of the world’s population will be beamed up to Heaven and everyone else will be left here dealing with 5 months of extreme natural disasters until October 21st 2011, when the world gets destroyed. Chances of me being sucked up…slim to none. So I have decided just in case this lunatic is correct, I am going to live it up on Saturday. Here is my schedule of activities:
    5:00am- No way I am sleeping late on the last day of normalcy. Out to my favorite breakfast place for chicken fried steak and eggs.
    6:00am-Stopping by the ATM machine to clear out all $235.22 in my checking account. Head to the casino.
    7:00am- Play 3 card poker like I have nothing to lose because well, I don’t. Head over to the sports book and lay down some $$$ on The Preakness. Write this down people. Trifecta : #1 Dialed In, #2 Animal Kingdom, #3 Mucho Macho Man. Throw down on a couple of long shots I feel good about…Sway Away at 15-1 and King Congie at 20-1. Hey, how cool would it be to go out a winner?
    Steal a super cool car on the parking lot to cruise around in in my final hours.
    Noon- Since it doesn’t look like things will be normal around dinner time I am going to have a lunch of my favorite things.
    Grilled out steak, mashed potatoes, a side of pizza and Cokes. Dessert…chocolate cream pie.
    1pm- Call all my friends and family and tell them I love them…you know…just in case.
    2pm- Go shopping and max out all my credit cards. I wonder how fast Best Buy can install a 75 inch TV and surround sound? That Xoom tablet is so mine.
    3pm- Go set all the animals free at the Humane Society.
    3:30pm-Try to convince a homeless man to kiss me in the rain. I have always wanted to be kissed in the rain and it is always raining here so chances are it is going to happen. I think a Big Mac for the homeless man just might seal the deal.
    4:00pm-Write my letter of resignation and e-mail into work. 
    4:15pm-Buy a bottle of Cristal and start drinking.
    4:30pm-sharpen my teeth to look like a vampire’s. Thinking that alone might get the looters and rapists away from me when all hell breaks loose.
    5:00pm-Roll in extra TV. It is on CNN, while I play Angry Birds on the big screen.  Open up all the blinds and doors to see if any of my neighbors are lucky enough to get sucked up.

    So everyone, make sure you have your best clothes, including undies on tomorrow just in case you get to meet JC himself.