RSS Feed

‘scared little baby’ Category

  1. Ghostbusting

    October 27, 2012 by C.

    Red blips mean business and sometimes play with your hair.




    The Amazon App Store offered up a free app called “Ghost Radar” last week. I have never been much for hunting ghosts because I am the biggest chicken shit ever. The only reason I downloaded it was because it was free and I thought it was a toy.

    Yea, I was wrong about that.

    Turning on the app, I had it in radar mode. Supposedly the spirits show up in colors. Red is the strongest and in my mind means it is near you and could braid your hair if it felt like it. Blue is the weakest. Yellow and green are in the middle.

    The best part of the app is words are spoken that the spirits are trying to communicate to you. You are supposed to ask them questions and try to have conversations but that is taking it to a whole new level that my scaredy-cat self wants no part of.

    I played with it at work first. Everyone was laughing and joking around saying no way it would work. One of my co-workers wanted to have it on his desk to watch the radar. It was on his desk for at least half an hour with absolutely nothing going on. He got up from his desk and went out to the shop. After about 10 minutes he wandered back in and sat down. Just as he sat down at his desk the phone says, “Shop.” We all froze and just stared at the phone. Holy ghost balls, this thing really works!

    Most days I pack my lunch. I sat down to eat in the break room and thought it would be fun to turn it on and see what happened while I was eating. First word… “Brought”. That could just be a coincidence…random word and I am reading into it that I brought my lunch. Next word… “heavy”.

    This piece of shit rude ass ghost was letting me know he thinks I am far too heavy. Ghosts truly have no manners. Is it because they are so mad they are dead or what? I turned it off…I knew the next words coming were “stop…eating…fat…ass”. F*%# you, Casper!

    The radar has been running since I sat down to write this blog. First word…”funny”. At least this ghost is nice enough to compliment my blog and to not mention the pound of M&Ms I just consumed for breakfast.

    Now to explain the next two words that came up, I have to tell you a little back story. I live in a duplex that was originally my grandmother’s. She passed away in the house in 2005 from throat cancer. The next two words were… “throat” and then a few seconds later… “problem”. I had to go to the bathroom to wipe myself and then came back to call my mom. I told her about it and she too feels it was my grandma. She told me a story of a time when she was very ill and asleep on her bed. She felt a weight sit down at the end of the bed. She thought it was my sister and asked her what she was doing. No response. She slowly sat up and there was nothing there. She laid her head back on her pillow and said out loud, “Mom, I am ok.” The weight then lifted off the bed.

    I have always believed in ghosts but this app has taken my belief to a whole new level. The app has around 2100 words stored in its vocabulary. I suppose the words and timing of them could just be a coincidence but I don’t think so.

    If I could just get one of these ghosts to give me some winning Powerball numbers or point me in the direction of a buried treasure I would like hanging out with them so much more. Until then they are kind of creeping me out.

  2. I Am a Big Chicken

    May 19, 2011 by C.

    This man’s face haunted me for weeks after seeing, “Silence of the Lambs”. I dreamed every single night that he was chasing me around this really old house with wood floors. He got me cornered and took a sharp pencil and stabbed it so hard into my foot that it was stuck to the floor and I could not move. Then he made himself a nice bathrobe out of my milky white skin. Needless to say, I didn’t watch anymore of the Hannibal movies.

    Looking back I have always been a big chicken. When I was around 12 years old my mom and grandfather took my sister and I to one of those little carnivals that comes to town. There was a tent set up with a woman that would transform into a gorilla before your very eyes. What they did not tell you is the gorilla would escape the cage. I literally knocked down 4 people and hurtled them to get my fat butt out of that tent. My mom said I was the first one out and my eyes were wild. I did not stop at them, oh no, I kept running until I got to the car. I wanted the hell out of there.

    Many years later I had an actual scary experience while working a part-time job at the mall. I was working in the store alone that night. A young man entered the store and well, he started to crank his one eyed-yogurt thrower. I pretty calmly told him to knock it off (I do have to admit it is a bit flattering that he was so struck by my beauty he had to start doing that in a store in the mall). Well, that did not work. So I yelled for help, forgetting that the 90 year old mall walkers have not heard themselves fart in decades so how could they hear me screaming? So I looked at the young man as he started coming closer and I informed him I was calling 911. Didn’t phase him. So I picked up the phone and dialed 911.

    “911 what is your emergency?”

    “Well I work at ________ in the mall and there is a young man in here doing some inappropriate things.”

    “What is he wearing?”

    “He has on a white wife beater shirt, jeans and white tennis shoes. Approximately 6’0 tall and I am guessing around 170 lbs.”

    “Has he threatened you?”

    “Um, no he is um…well…oh boy…he is um pleasuring himself in front of me.”

    “We will send a car right out.”

    About this time, he steps behind the counter and comes towards me. I have nothing in near reach that will hurt him so I just start picking things up off the counter and throwing them at him. I got him pretty good with the stapler.
    He must have tired of my lack of affection because he turned to leave. As he raced out the door I yelled after him, “Call me!”
    Seriously, that would have been a great story to tell to friends at our 25th wedding anniversary.

    I had hoped with age would come more courage. Nope. To this day, I sleep with lights on, wasp spray within reach (much better than mace because it shoots further out) and a baseball bat under the bed. If someone ever does get in here, I am not going down without a fight. Well, unless he kind of looks like Keith Urban. Then, I might just have to let him live.