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‘sex’ Category

  1. Quitting Your Job To Breastfeed Your Boyfriend Is Totally Not Weird

    June 19, 2016 by C.

    Put the boobie down, man!

    Put the boobie down, man!

     

     

     

    Last week, I read about Jennifer Mulford, a woman from Georgia, who quit her job so she could stay home and breastfeed her boyfriend. Since Jennifer has not given birth recently, they are basically doing dry feedings every two hours in hopes that her milk will come in eventually.

    People reacted as expected. “What the f*%& is wrong with these people” was the general consensus. Rumors swirled that her body-builder boyfriend also liked to act like a baby while he participated in this activity. He quickly came forward to deny those allegations and to say that breast milk is excellent to use for building muscle.

    Jennifer shared during a radio interview that these feedings led to sex, “6 out of every 7 times”. Obviously, this is why I never get any action. I think I’ll head to Target tomorrow, pick up a nursing bra along with a random man from the parking lot.

    No, really I think this is pretty crazy. I needed a second opinion before heading out to Target. It just so happened I had an appointment with my shrink this week.

    Me: “Have you heard about the couple who are into breastfeeding? She’s quit her job just to let him do his thing every two hours. That’s crazy, right???

    Shrink: “Are you asking me in terms of is it crazy she has quit her job to do this or do I think this is some highly unusual sexual fetish?”

    Me: “Well, both.”

    Shrink: “There are far worse sexual fetishes out there. Actually, I would say this one is pretty mild in comparison. Her quitting her job, while not rational, does not make her crazy.”

    Me: “How can you not say this woman is a total whack job????”

    Shrink: “Chanin, we have talked about the use of that term in this office. We prefer to call them patients.”

    Me: “Ok, whatever. How about you tell me a fetish that you have seen and treated that is worse than this one?”

    Shrink: “I really shouldn’t divulge that kind of information.”

    Me: “Oh, stop being so professional. Spill it. You don’t have to mention any names…just the crazy crap they’re into.”

    Shrink: “No names. Ok, so I have treated someone with objectophilia.”

    Me: “Ha! That sounds pretty tame to me.”

    Shrink: “Do you know what it is?”

    Me: “Um, someone who objects to EVERYTHING all the time.”

    Shrink: “Not even close. This particular individual became aroused by and engaged in sexual activities with paper. Now, that is a more unusual fetish.”

    Me: “I’m feeling a little ill. Is it ok if I lie down on your couch?”

    Shrink: *laughing* “Of course. Another time I treated someone who had auto-haemofetishism.”

    Me: “What in the hell is that?”

    Shrink: “Being sexually aroused by blood. Your own.”

    Me: “Ok, look. I think we should cut this session short. Can you give me some money back or something for freaking me the hell out today?”

    Shrink: “Sorry, per our patient agreement, there are no refunds. Plus, I need the money to pay my therapist to help me deal with patients like you.”

    Me: “You’re so funny. If this career doesn’t work out for you, I suggest stand-up comedian. Thanks for making me ill. See you next week!”

     

    After thinking about heading to Target, I realized that just the thought of a man latching onto my bossom every two hours made me cringe. Obviously, this was not the way for me. But I might head to Office Depot and pick up a case of printer paper.

     

     

     

     


  2. Cellphones Better Than Sex To Some

    May 13, 2012 by C.

    A recent survey by Meredith Parents Network revealed that 12% of women ages 18-35 are using their cellphones during sex. It is unfortunate that the survey did not allow these women to reveal exactly what they were doing with the phones during sex. Playing “Draw Something” or just using the vibrate function? Watching missed “Housewives of New Jersey” episodes or porn?

    Maybe they might be updating their Facebook status…

    “OMG, I wish he would hurry up and get off me already. Kardashians starts in 10. Looks like I will have to fake it AGAIN.”

    Or Tweeting…
    “#bored…sex is so overrated. Would rather be watching TV right now. Hurry UP!!”

    The first thought that came to mind reading this is that 12% of men are doing something horribly wrong. It really shouldn’t be that difficult to keep a woman’s attention during sexy time. If nothing else, promise her a tub of Hagen Dazs if she can leave the phone on the night stand for ten minutes straight without touching it. Women will do anything for ice cream.

    If all else fails, bang her head into the headboard and knock some damn sense into her, because it really is rude no matter how bad it is.


  3. What Would You Give Up For Internet

    April 18, 2012 by C.

    Imagine a world with very limited Internet access. So limited that you would have to give up something to get the access you have now. What would you be willing to part with?

    A recent study by the Boston Consulting Group asked that question to people around the globe. It is pretty incredible what people said they would give up for their Internet. Here are some of the results from the U.S. people polled.

    21% would stop having sex. I thought about this long and hard…I think it would depend on a few things. Would I be giving up sex with someone like Bradley Cooper or would it be the normal sex I have which consists of bribing men out of the homeless shelter and into my car, all for the promise of a Papa John’s pizza and a pack Marlboros. That would make a huge difference.

    83% said they would stop eating fast food. Surely this cannot be accurate. I don’t think they explained the rules to the participants. You are giving up something FOREVER. We all know you will get a craving for some McNuggets and your Internet privileges will be revoked. Besides, what will you feed your children??

    77% would give up chocolate. Some people are just damn nuts. There are certain days of the month I would chop off a finger in exchange for a Snickers bar that I can dip into a hot fudge sundae while hooked to a feeding tube pumping in chocolate fondue while taking a bath in chocolate pudding. Don’t knock it until you try it.

    73% say they would stop drinking alcoholic beverages. I could give up the bottle for Internet access easy because mixing booze with all the crazy pills I am on results in a highly dangerous situation. Now ask me if I would give up my crazy pills…HELL NO!

    43% would give up exercising. Yea, no shit. If you are so addicted to sitting in front of your computer and pinning pictures of shit you will never ever have, you won’t have any problems whatsoever giving up a session with your personal trainer. Personally, if walking from my couch to the fridge and back doesn’t count as exercise I am not getting any anyways. Exercise be gone! Pinterest here I come!

    Last but not least…7% would stop taking showers/baths. I think these are the people that live in their parent’s basement and play World of Warcraft all day and all nightlong. Walking upstairs for a shower would take far too much energy and time away from the other Orcs (I shall never tell how I know what an Orc is).

    So here are the things I would give up for some Internet…

    Exercise

    Booze

    My life-size stand-up of Adam Lambert (it would be sooooo hard to part with but how would I chat with all my Glambert sisters without internet access???).

    Sleep apnea machine

    My bad ass BB gun.

    I think that is about it. What would you give up for unlimited surfing??