The Super Bowl is coming up on Sunday and I have already been invited to many parties. Will I attend these parties?
Most of you have figured out that I am horribly anti-social but that has nothing to do with it in this case. I am a football freak. To me, the beginning of football season is like Christmas, my birthday, a big income tax return and a brand new bag of Oreos all at the same time. I live for football. I take the game quite seriously and I have found in the past most party attendees do not even know what teams are playing in the game, let alone know the difference between a flea flicker and a play-action pass. Most are what I call, “football ignorant”.
“George, why is that man screaming at the people on his team?? They look like they’re all ready to go…what is he screaming about???” *read this in your best Fran Drescher The Nanny voice*
“Well, honey he’s calling an audible.”
“What’s an audible??? Oh, that reminds me, you need to make an appointment to get the Audi in the shop, the brakes are squealing again.”
2 minutes later…
“OH MY GOD, WHAT JUST HAPPENED???”
“They returned a punt for a touchdown.”
“A punk?? Why would they return a punk for a touchdown?? George, please go fix me another margarita. This game is so dull. I don’t know how you boys watch all this nonsense. You should have just given me the credit card to go shopping today.”
“George, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, GIVE HER YOUR CREDIT CARD AND GET HER THE HELL OUT OF HERE BEFORE I REMOVE ALL OF HER HAIR EXTENSIONS AND SHOVE THEM UP HER ASS!!” I scream.
It’s not always the ladies that are guilty.
“Tim, what kind of dip is this? It’s amazing!”
“Not sure David, my wife made it, go ask her.”
“Gloria, I must have the recipe for this dip. It’s just so delicious. Could you write it down for me, please?”
“David, could I email it to you tomorrow? The Broncos are in the red zone and I don’t want to miss anything.”
“Red zone??? Is that some sort of code for you have your period and you’re extra crabby???”
I’m going to let Gloria take this one.
“Get your ass out of my house before I stab you in your eyes with a tampon!”
By staying at home, I will avoid all the talking over the commentators, all the yelling and all the football ignorants. I might have a couple of people over who completely understand the game and won’t ask me silly questions. My recliner, my 60-inch-tv and my comfy pants. I might even whip up a few snacks.
I will be in football bliss as I watch the Denver Broncos beat the Seattle Seahawks by a field goal.
Enjoy the game everyone (if you can) and be safe!