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  1. Snoring Can Lead to Hickeys

    January 5, 2012 by C.

    This is similar to the rig I was in…

    Over the past few years, I have shared hotel rooms or stayed at the homes of friends and family for vacations or holidays. One thing was always discussed at breakfast the next morning…my snoring.
    “Chanin, I am pretty sure you stopped breathing several times last night too,” said my mom.
    “Really? And you just left me there to die? Not even a courtesy remote control tossed in my face?” I asked.
    “Well no honey. I wouldn’t want to hurt you,” she said.
    But I guess dying in my sleep wouldn’t be near as painful. Thanks.
    Sick of hearing all of this, I finally made an appointment with a doctor who after asking me 1500 questions about how I sleep scheduled an appointment for the sleep apnea test.
    The test took place this past Monday. I arrived at 8pm and met Dale, my technician for the night. Poor Dale had no idea what he was in for.
    I had to sign a bunch of paperwork and then watch a 15-minute video. Dale came back in and told me it was time to get hooked up. I don’t know what I was expecting but it was not being draped in more wire than what was used to hook up the security systems at the Pentagon.
    The lights were turned out around 10:30pm.The first problem I encountered was their pillows. One was not enough and two had my head jacked up. I went with my head being jacked up. The next problem was one I totally did not expect. My room was right next to the community bathroom and someone had bladder control issues all night long and they were not very quiet about it.
    Most of the night I stared at the ceiling. I rolled over to try to sleep on my stomach and the wires that were hooked to my legs popped off. In rolls Dale and he hooks me all up again. Thirty minutes later I try again to try to get somewhat comfortable. Leg thingies pop off again. In comes Dale. Hooks me back up. I tried to convince Dale that my legs sleep just fine most nights and to please just leave them off but he would have none of it.
    I knocked off those leg thingies 5 more times during the night. After the 4th time Dale’s assistant came in and taped the wire and everything to my leg. I still managed to get it off rolling over in bed. Later that night I also popped off one from the back of my head, one from my back and even managed to remove the nasal oxygen thing that was going up my nose. I was fairly certain if I did have a few “episodes” that night they would just leave me to die.
    I put on my headphones to try to listen to some music hoping that would relax me.
    When I walk in the spot, this is what I see
    Everybody stops and they staring at me
    I got passion in my pants and I ain’t afraid to show it

    I’m sexy and I know it”

    This booming voice came out of nowhere.
    “Chanin, stop singing.”
    Guess I got a little carried away. Totally forgot Big Brother was listening.
    There was just something about knowing that people were sitting in another room watching me sleep that kind of creeped me out. It was just a weird feeling.
    I had no idea what time it was but at some point someone got in the shower and woke me up. About 5 minutes later Dale comes in to wake me…the test is over.
    “Hon, I don’t think you slept soundly for more than an hour and that was just right before I woke you up,” said Dale.
    Yea, no shit Dale.
    Then for the great news…
    “We didn’t get much sleep data recorded on you so I imagine your doctor will have you come take the test again,” Dale said grinning at me.
    Dale almost got stabbed in his eyeball with the pen they gave me to fill out my exit survey.
    I drove home to get ready for work. Yes, I had to work that day. It took me a few times to shampoo most of the glue out of my hair and I discovered I had an allergic reaction to the tape they used to secure the microphone to my neck. Lovely. I got to go to work looking like I spent the night with someone that loved giving hickeys in bunches. That will sure get the office tramp rumors going. Sweet.
    I have not heard from the doctor yet but if he tells me I have to do this all over again I am going to request to be sedated and that they use much more of that hickey tape but all over my body this time.