RSS Feed

‘tips’ Category

  1. 10 Tips For Total Domination on Black Friday

    November 23, 2011 by C.

    Tips for Black Friday Total Domination

    I have been out fighting the crowds on Black Friday every
    year since 2005. I get what I want, period. Follow these tips and you will
    totally dominate your fellow Wal-mart shoppers. 

    1.     Buy a newspaper Thanksgiving morning and check
    out what you want to buy instead of just showing up at Wal-mart to go see
    what’s going on. You can’t see crap. It is an angry mob times a million. You
    will be lucky if you don’t have a black eye and massive amounts of hair missing
    by the time you get out of there. 

    2.       Make a list of what stores you need to hit, what times
    they open and what you want from that particular store. 

    3.       Do not get a shopping cart. There is no room to push it
    down the aisles. It will just slow you down and piss me off when you keep
    hitting my butt with it over and over and over. 

    4.       Bring a partner, but do not bring your kids. I see this
    every year. The kid will start crying and want to go home. Your child will be in therapy for years because you just had to have the kid go to Black Friday with you. Do us all a favor
    and leave the kid at home with Dad. Can’t locate the baby daddy or Justin Bieber is your baby daddy? Then leave the kid with some other relative.

    5.       Have a map of the store. Most of the major stores will
    have these available online to make navigating on the big day much easier.  

    6.       Communicate with your partner via walkie-talkie. You
    need to hit the registers at about the same time and also check off things on
    your lists as you accumulate them. Yes, I know you have a cell phone and text
    messaging and apps and all that jazz but you cannot hear your phone in the
    store and you cannot just stop and text a message to someone. You will be
    shoved out of the way. Get walkie-talkies. Get on the same channel and crank
    the volume. 

    7.       Dress appropriately. Do not wear your winter coat no
    matter how cold it is outside. You will burn up in the store and you need both arms to
    carry all your bargains.

    8.       Bring snacks. You need a bottle of water in the car to soothe your sore throat after screaming at so many people. It is also good to have something like peanut butter and crackers to chow on. This kind of shopping works up an appetite and you won’t get to have breakfast
    until around 9am.  

    9.       If you want to have some fun, grab 2 of something that
    is really hot…like this year there will be $49 Blu-ray players at Wal-mart.
    Keep one for yourself and just set one up by where you are checking out and
    walk away. Watch people fight over it from a distance. Good times. 

    10.   Go to the bathroom before you leave the house. You will
    not be able to go again until you drag into Cracker Barrel for your victory
    breakfast. I suppose you could always go on the parking lot if you are into that sort of thing. Who am I to judge, right?