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‘Wal-mart’ Category

  1. Tide Is High

    May 11, 2015 by C.

    Laundry sucks.

    Laundry sucks.

     

    Shopping at Wal-mart is the biggest nightmare in the world for me. I will sometimes go to a smaller grocery store and pay higher prices just to avoid the hell on earth that is Wal-Mart. I have tried going there during off hours in order to avoid the lunatics, but then I just spend all my time trying to maneuver around the giant stacks of boxes they have parked right in front of something I really need. The later you go, the more of those re-stocking carts they have out, so that doesn’t even really pay.

    Needless to say, when I enter a Wal-Mart, it is a race. How fast can I get everything on my list and get out? Sometimes mistakes are made because I go too fast trying to escape. One such mistake was made two months ago, but was just discovered yesterday.

    When picking out laundry detergent, I usually go by price and then smell. I like my laundry to smell like it has been vacationing on the beaches of Aruba, but on a Branson Baldknobbers budget. In other words, I don’t spring for Tide.

    So one night, while racing through Wal-Mart I found a really great deal on some Downey detergent and bought a very large jug. I live alone so I really don’t have too much laundry to do so this jug has lasted me for right around two months. I was in love with this detergent. My clothes have never smelled better and they were so soft. I had decided this would be the detergent I would use for life.

    In the past few weeks, my mother has decided that due to my pneumonia, I have no business doing my own laundry. It doesn’t matter how much I protest, she throws a fit and says she is doing it and really, when she is like that it is just easier to let her do what she wants (plus I HATE doing laundry). Some nights I come home from work and not only is my laundry done but my dinner is waiting for me. Now, I totally understand why men are so into having a wife. I just flop in my recliner, feed my face, belch and watch HGTV (I am totally addicted to that Fixer Upper show).

    The way the laundry service works is she comes over and washes my clothes in my washer with my detergent and then hauls them next door to her house to dry them because she says, “Your dryer sucks!”. Whatever.

    So it was just this week that my Mom realized another one of my speed shopping mistakes.

    “Chanin, you told me which bottle to use on your washer to wash your clothes and that is what I have been using.”

    “Good deal, it smells sooooooooooooo good and my clothes are soooooooooooooo soft! Thanks!”

    “Well, today I discovered why your clothes smell so good and are so soft.”

    “What are you talking about?”

    “You and I have been “washing” your clothes in Downey fabric softener. I think it might be time for you to slow down and actually start reading the labels on things when shopping.”

    “Wait, are you sure????????????????”

    I got up and quickly ran for the laundry room.

    Shit.

    I have been walking around for two months in dirty clothes except for the very few clothes I take to my dry cleaners. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am a disgusting idiot!

    Moral of this story…It is worth paying the extra money at expensive grocery stores in order to avoid shopping at Wal-Mart so that you don’t walk around for months in dirty underwear. 


  2. Nancy Drew Would Be Proud

    July 2, 2012 by C.

     

    A woman in Monticello, KY was Super-Glued to a toilet inside the local Wal-mart. She sat down and was unable to get up. She started screaming and banging on the stall until someone came to help her. She sat there for an hour.

     

    The paramedics were able to get the seat removed from the stool, but unable to get it removed from her bum. She was taken to the emergency room for further treatment.

    The police believe this was done on purpose and when the perpetrator is caught, he or she could face 2nd degree assault charges.

    Now, I have a theory on this. I am basically a detective having graduated from the Nancy Drew School of Detecting Shit and something is fishy about her story. I, too have had an unfortunate incident involving Super Glue and a body part. That stuff dries fast. You can’t tell me that someone put that on the seat and left it there until this fruitcake plopped down. It would have been dry, people. Plus, it smells horrible. She would have caught a whiff of those fumes in the produce section. If she did sit down in wet Super Glue, then why did she just sit in it? If my precious bottom had sat in something slimy, I would have vaulted over the stall from sheer terror of what disease I have just contracted.

    She is looking to collect some money from Wal-mart and live the easy life.  Granted, she won’t be sitting on her rear for the next few months, but a little suffering will be worth all the money she is going to receive.

    If by chance my theory might be wrong (yea, right) and this actually went down like they suspect…the woman is still to blame, because you just do not use the toilets at Wal-mart. EVER. I truly would rather pull up in the shoe section and crawl into my cart to squat over a dog food bowl. I would not be embarrassed in the least, because I know for a fact crazier things than that happen all the time at Wally World.

    Bottom line folks…people are nuts. Before you back that thing up, make sure you peek at the seat.

    *Buy your Peek at the Seat t-shirts at 1happypill.com very soon*

     

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  3. Attention Wal-mart Shoppers…Meth on Aisle 7

    December 14, 2011 by C.

    Which way to the meth??
    A Wal-mart in Tulsa, Oklahoma had some excitement last Thursday. 
    Alisha Halfmoon was arrested for trying to make meth inside her local Wal-mart. Yea, you heard me.
    Security noticed that she had been in the store for six hours and alerted authorities due to her suspicious behavior in the back of the store. The police confronted Halfmoon just as she had finished mixing a bottle of sulfuric acid and some starter fluid.  
    It is just hard to believe that this woman was in there for six hours collecting all sorts of chemicals and not one of the customers reported her.
    Now, I can believe after spending six hours in a Wal-mart she was ready to cook up some meth. I hate going to Wal-mart. It is like being tortured each and every week when I go grocery shopping. Maybe doing meth would help make my shopping experience more pleasurable.
    The battle usually starts out on the parking lot for a space that isn’t ten miles from the door. Then I usually have someone grab the same cart I am going for and we have a tug of war for a minute, until the other person sees that “I will bite you” look in my eyes and lets go. Then I am run over by at least two people per visit either running into the back of my legs or hitting me head on because they turned the corner without looking first.
    The very worst part of Wal-mart shopping is trying to get a pound of shaved deli meat from those freaks that work in that department. They will ignore you for hours. You are invisible to them. I have found a couple of ways to remedy this. Pick up some produce and just start throwing it over the counter. I prefer to toss oranges but really any fruit will do. After a couple of incoming orange bombs they will usually acknowledge my existence and slice up some meat. If the fruit bombing doesn’t work, just hop up on top of their deli display case and start jumping up and down screaming, “Don’t make me come over there bitches!” Does the trick every time. Sometimes being escorted out of the store in handcuffs is so worth it.
    Oh, so back to Ms. Halfwit. Ahhhh, I mean Halfmoon.
    Here is what puzzles me about her situation. Is it a crime to try to make meth? She didn’t get it finished so she technically did not make it in the store. If it wasn’t made then she couldn’t use it or sell it, so what is the crime here? I could “try” to make meth using Lucky Charms, crayons and aspirin. Does that make me a criminal or just stupid? I rest my case.
    So watch out on your next trip to Wallyworld. You might just hear over the loudspeaker, “Meth cleanup on aisle 7 and police escort needed in deli STAT!”