Normally, I don’t even notice an upcoming Friday the 13th. For some reason I noticed it on my work calendar Thursday and quietly thought to myself, “oh hell.”
I was getting ready for work this morning and heard on the radio schools were starting to close because of freezing rain on the roads. Lovely.
I had just stepped out of the shower and my cell phone was ringing like crazy. I grabbed the phone and it was my mom.
“You need to stay home today, they say the roads are really icy and dangerous.”
“Um, I can’t stay home. I need to get to work. I am sure it’ll be fine if I take the main roads.”
“Is a job really worth risking your life over????????”
Really???? I finally calmed her down. The ride to work was perfect…just some rain and I didn’t hit any slick spots. I was even nice and called to let her know I made it to work in one piece.
I can just imagine calling into work saying, “I know I am 42-years-old, but my mom says I can’t come into work today because there might be some ice on the roads. Sorry!”
I had been there a couple of hours and thought things should go smoothly for the rest of the day. Hahahahaha, I am such an idiot.
I went to use the restroom. As I pulled my underwear halfway up I heard a big ripping sound. Yep, my underwear. I paused for a moment trying to decide what to do. I pulled again and heard another rip. When all was said and done, the only thing keeping my underwear from falling to the ground was the leg band on my right leg. Wonderful. My first thought was to go commando. I quickly remembered only sluts and Britney Spears do that.
I pulled up my pants around them and went back to my desk. I could have gone home, but really who wants to drive all the way home in the middle of the day and not stay there at least long enough for a nap? To go home and change underwear seemed ridiculous. If I had shit my pants, yes. Going half commando, no. Gas is expensive these days.
My natural MacGyver instincts kicked in. I hid a stapler under my shirt and headed back to the bathroom. I was relieved to see no one was in there. I can only imagine what a person would think hearing a stapler going off in the stall next to them. Pulling the broken waist band pieces together, I snapped in a couple of staples to hold them together. I could live with the giant hole running down my hip.
This worked great until the points of the staples started scratching my skin. I was certain I had blood running down my leg from it. I looked around, put my tape dispenser under my shirt and went back to the bathroom.
Once I covered the staples with tape, all was good. I made it through the rest of the day without further Friday the 13th incidents.
When the hell is the next one? My MacGyvered underwear are proof positive that this shit is for real and I will be staying in bed for the next one.