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Happy Pills Guide for Surviving Thanksgiving

11/26/2013 by C.

He really wants to stab his father-in-law with that knife.

He really wants to stab his father-in-law with that knife.




The Thanksgiving holiday is quickly approaching. I woke up at 5 am today with the idea of writing  a guide to help you get through this trying time. You’re welcome.

If you are anything like me having house guests is a form of living hell until they leave. It’s not that you don’t like the visitors; they could be some of your best friends in the world, it’s  just the fact you will be uncomfortable in your own home. I personally hate being uncomfortable, even for five minutes. That is why I have totally eliminated the guest room in my house. It’s now my office, stuffed full of so much furniture that you can’t even put down a blow-up mattress. Yes, I’m a genius…thanks for noticing.

But it’s too late for you isn’t it? You have a beautiful guest room in your home complete with fresh flowers, cable tv and turn down service. No one can resist that, folks. You’re a goner.

Well, I have a solution. The trick is to make your guests so uncomfortable they won’t want to stay with you ever again. It ‘s one thing to spend a few hours on Thanksgiving with family, but several days??? “Oh hell to the no” as the late great Whitney Houston would say.

Tips on Getting Rid of Unwanted House Guests

1. Follow my advice and get rid of any spare beds. There will be some pushy guests that will say, “I could sleep on your couch.” This is where having a dumb husband is beneficial. You say, “Oh my gosh no, Jim sleepwalks all the time. Once I caught him in the living room urinating on my houseplants; I would sure hate for him to piss on you in the middle of the night.”

2. Don’t hold anything back. After house guests have spent a day or two with me, I feel like a giant puffed up ball. I am tense all over and in dire need of a massage. Stop holding it all in, behave as you normally would if you were home with just your family. If Jim farts two minutes after dinner every night, tell him let ‘er rip. If you hate wearing a bra past dinner time, take it off and let those babies loose. If someone else is offended, who cares? They won’t be staying with you next year for sure and that is a beautiful thing.

3. Turn the kids and any crazy elderly folks loose on the guests. Little Bobby wants to put his pet snake on your guest’s pillow? Yes, please. That will be a great surprise in the middle of the night. Your daughter and her boyfriend like to make out on the couch no matter who is around? Let them go at it…nothing can turn your stomach more than young love. Granny likes to pull her pants down to show of f the scar from her latest surgery? No problem. Maybe she will even leave her dentures next to the bathroom sink. The more disgusting, the better.

4. You are responsible for cooking Thanksgiving dinner for about fifteen family members. Cooking is really not your thing and none of them appreciate it anyway. Grab three or four cheap frozen pizzas and call it good. Those still involve cooking and this will teach everyone to stop picking your house to host your Thanksgiving meal every year.

5. Turn your Wi-fi off for the duration of their visit. Yes, I know it will be hard on you too, but this will shorten their stay more than anything else on this list. After about ten minutes in your house without the juice, they will rush to you begging for your wi-fi password. Now, watch carefully for the look of defeat in their eyes when you tell them you shut it off to save money and spend more time with your family. Then panic will hit them, “Oh shit, I will actually have to talk to these people and not spend the holiday in a corner of a room with my iPad like I always have!”

6. Drink lots. This not only will help you deal with being uncomfortable but most people totally hate a drunk that cries for hours because she is not married to Ryan Gosling. Cheers!

I wish you and yours a Happy Thanksgiving. If these tips don’t work, look my fan page up on Facebook. There will be lots of funny photos and ecards to get you laughing. We all know, if we don’t laugh about our holidays, the only thing left to do is cry and crying is for sissies. Suck it up, buttercup!





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