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Homeless Relations

03/26/2013 by C.

Going to have to Google midget porn today. I had no idea!

Going to Google midget porn today. I had no idea!




I seem to have the worst luck with homeless people. They are drawn to me. I am not sure why other than maybe they think I look like a person who would keep candy bars and $20 bills on me at all times.

A few years ago, I was sitting at a McDonald’s drive-thru with my windows down a bit because it was a beautiful fall day and the fresh air felt nice. I was in a daze thinking about the french fries I was about to devour when a homeless man suddenly appeared at my passenger door. I hit the door lock button as quickly as I could but totally forgot about the window being down. He stuck his head in the window, looks at me and says,” I haven’t had sex since 1986.”

I am completely in shock as you can imagine and cannot move the car forward or backward because of where I am in the drive-thru. I muttered something like, “Sorry, can’t help you with that” and he slowly backed his head out of the window. Just then the car in front of me moved up and I pulled forward. I looked in the rear view mirror and he was walking across the parking lot like he had somewhere to be.

Hopefully, I won’t look back at that moment twenty years from now asking myself, “What if I had done the homeless guy? Would I be happier?” Right now I feel pretty good about the decision though.

Then just yesterday I had another experience. I ran into Walgreens for a few items and had reserved a couple of movies from the Redbox in front of their store. I got my items and headed out to the box. There was a woman standing right next to the Redbox in a dirty maroon hoodie drinking a Dr. Pepper. I stepped by her to get to the box and she says, “The dreams concur.”

She proceeds to keep talking but after that it was more like a conversation so I thought she possibly was wearing a bluetooth and talking to someone on a cell phone.  But she turns just enough so I can see out of the corner of my eye that she has nothing on either ear.

Can this stupid Redbox move any slower??

Then she says,” Yep…yep I got me some Ruffles and a Dr. Pepper. Yep. So good. Need to talk to this lady about my previous life and her previous life. We were related.”

Um, I think she means me.

The last movie pops out and I haul ass to get into my car before I am subjected to the previous lives exploration with the crazy woman in front of Walgreens.

I am sure she was going to tell me I borrowed $18,000 from her in my past life and she was there to collect or she possibly just wanted to tell me she hadn’t had sex since 1986. Either way, I wasn’t going to stick around to find out.


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