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I Am a Big Chicken

05/19/2011 by C.

This man’s face haunted me for weeks after seeing, “Silence of the Lambs”. I dreamed every single night that he was chasing me around this really old house with wood floors. He got me cornered and took a sharp pencil and stabbed it so hard into my foot that it was stuck to the floor and I could not move. Then he made himself a nice bathrobe out of my milky white skin. Needless to say, I didn’t watch anymore of the Hannibal movies.

Looking back I have always been a big chicken. When I was around 12 years old my mom and grandfather took my sister and I to one of those little carnivals that comes to town. There was a tent set up with a woman that would transform into a gorilla before your very eyes. What they did not tell you is the gorilla would escape the cage. I literally knocked down 4 people and hurtled them to get my fat butt out of that tent. My mom said I was the first one out and my eyes were wild. I did not stop at them, oh no, I kept running until I got to the car. I wanted the hell out of there.

Many years later I had an actual scary experience while working a part-time job at the mall. I was working in the store alone that night. A young man entered the store and well, he started to crank his one eyed-yogurt thrower. I pretty calmly told him to knock it off (I do have to admit it is a bit flattering that he was so struck by my beauty he had to start doing that in a store in the mall). Well, that did not work. So I yelled for help, forgetting that the 90 year old mall walkers have not heard themselves fart in decades so how could they hear me screaming? So I looked at the young man as he started coming closer and I informed him I was calling 911. Didn’t phase him. So I picked up the phone and dialed 911.

“911 what is your emergency?”

“Well I work at ________ in the mall and there is a young man in here doing some inappropriate things.”

“What is he wearing?”

“He has on a white wife beater shirt, jeans and white tennis shoes. Approximately 6’0 tall and I am guessing around 170 lbs.”

“Has he threatened you?”

“Um, no he is um…well…oh boy…he is um pleasuring himself in front of me.”

“We will send a car right out.”

About this time, he steps behind the counter and comes towards me. I have nothing in near reach that will hurt him so I just start picking things up off the counter and throwing them at him. I got him pretty good with the stapler.
He must have tired of my lack of affection because he turned to leave. As he raced out the door I yelled after him, “Call me!”
Seriously, that would have been a great story to tell to friends at our 25th wedding anniversary.

I had hoped with age would come more courage. Nope. To this day, I sleep with lights on, wasp spray within reach (much better than mace because it shoots further out) and a baseball bat under the bed. If someone ever does get in here, I am not going down without a fight. Well, unless he kind of looks like Keith Urban. Then, I might just have to let him live.


  1. nu G says:

    Keith Urban really??? Knowing you…if he were to break into your home he wouldn't make it close enough for you to even focus to see that it was him…bang! One Dead Australian to be put down under!! (like the play on words?)

  2. C.B. says:

    I had thought of saying Adam Lambert but didn't think that was quite believable.

  3. Nicole says:

    Your not the only big chicken…So am I! I sleep with a gun next to the bed, where i can easily reach it, the light on in kitchen at all times, don't watch scary movies at all cause they freak me completely out, cant watch any of the CSI shows or any thing similar to that, and certainly do not ready scary books either!!!

  4. C.B. says:

    Glad I am not alone. I would love to have a gun but with my luck they would take it away from me and shoot me with it.

  5. Grumpy says:

    You handled the mall creeper all wrong. You should have just started laughing at him; stops me dead in my tracks every time.

  6. Anonymous says:

    RedRum. That's all I have to say about that.

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