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I Hate Critters

09/26/2012 by C.

It looked like this only scarier



I am an inside kinda gal. I do not like to go outdoors for anything. I have never been camping because going to the bathroom without a toilet, being eaten alive by mosquitoes and sleeping on the ground is not my idea of a fun weekend. I am weird like that I guess.

A few weeks ago, I went out for ice cream. The drive-thru was a bug magnet with all their lights. I kept my windows up until the very last minute. As I was placing my order a giant grasshopper flew into my car and landed on my leg. I was screaming at the top of my lungs and flailing around like a lunatic. The Bieber-wanna-be working the window could not stop laughing. If I had thought my fat, ice cream eating ass would fit through my sunroof I would have crawled out of the top of the car to get away from it. This tragedy has weened my desire for ice cream though. Just not worth bug trauma.

Last night the outside came in the house and scared me to death. I was sitting at my computer typing away and I heard something. Now, I only had a tiny lamp on in my bedroom and could not see very well but from first glance I thought it was a mouse jumping against the wall (yes, I know this makes no sense but at the time it really did). I don’t do mice. As I stood on top of my desk throwing paperclips at it, I noticed that it wasn’t really big enough nor moving quickly enough to be a mouse so I hopped down and decided to put on my big girl panties and go see what it was.

I got a little closer and thought it was a grasshopper or a cricket. Of course it has me trapped on the side of the room without an exit (although the thought did cross my mind to throw the tv through the bedroom window and jump) so I had to figure out a way to deal with it other than leaving the room and calling a friend to come get it out of the house.

With shoe in hand and goosebumps from head to toe, I approached the critter. I got pretty close and the bastard flew at me! This thing had giant wings. It looked like a mutant fly. I was swinging that shoe around like a child trying to crack open a piñata. When I opened my eyes, it was crawling under my bed. Oh lovely.

I could not sleep last night. I kept imagining the critter crawling into my ear and laying eggs and my brain would be overrun by baby critters and I would have cravings to eat grass and to jump against walls. I tossed and turned all night long. I finally got up and stuffed toilet paper in my ears. I knew my eyes, mouth and nose were protected because I was wearing my sleep apnea mask (this was the very first time I was happy about wearing it to bed) and my Diva sleep mask. I felt a little better after that and got around three hours of sleep.

The critter has not yet been found so I imagine it will be another rough night for me. I won’t be able to rest until it has been disposed of. It is probably a little dangerous to be sleeping with a meat cleaver and ninja stars but I want to be fully prepared for the next visit from the critter. One of us has got to go and it won’t be me.

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