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Like a Good Neighbor, Stay Over There

06/05/2014 by C.

LURCH

LURCH looks like Boo Radley!

 

 

A very nice older couple lived across the street from us. When I say “nice” I mean they left us the hell alone, only waving occasionally.

They moved away and in moves Lurch and his mom. If I were to guess, I would say Lurch is in his mid-forties and to put it mildly, there is something wrong with him.

Now, before I get a million e-mails calling me an asshole for making fun of the mentally challenged, please let me say if he had just stayed on his side of the street and left us alone, I would have had no clue there was something wrong with him. So, this is really all his fault. And as far as I can tell, it’s not something he was born with…I am thinking it’s more along the lines of taking a bath while making toast.

My mother is actually to blame for this. She is the one who went over to introduce herself and offer them access to our storm shelter in case of tornadoes. He stalks her the most and I think that is fitting since she got it started. I can tell you right now, I think I would prefer to attempt to outrun the tornado than to be locked in a small confined space with this weirdo.

We receive Valentine’s gifts, Easter gifts, cupcakes and various other expressions of his affection. Neither of them work so they just sit in their living room and watch what we do day and night. An example:

Lurch to Mom: Hello, there.  I just came to checks on ya. Saw your daughter hauling you around everywhere dis week. Hope you are ok.

Mom: Um, yes I am fine. She was on vacation and took me to dinner. Once.

The time he brought over the Valentine’s gifts he snuck up behind me in the garage. Scared the living shit out of me. No more of that. I have started shutting the garage door the minute I pull in. Believe it or not, it is worth the risk of carbon monoxide poisoning.

His latest trick is pulling up my mom’s trash cart after the trash has been collected. Apparently, shutting the garage door has pissed him off because he leaves mine at the curb. What. a. bastard.

My mom is finally starting to get a little nervous about the situation as every time she speaks with him he comments on what cars were at our house and when. We have both closed our blinds and stay trapped in our homes ever since hearing some of his comments.

He has her so creeped out now that she comes over without my knowledge every evening to lock the door in my garage that goes into the house. I had to tease her about it and of course she feels he is going to pop open my  garage door and come on in.

I can imagine his response as he is standing over my bed in the middle of the night.

“Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww where is the mom??????????????”

 


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