The number one reason I don’t go outside is because of bugs. I hate them. I can spray on repellent but it does quite the opposite. Bugs smell that stuff and they are like, “Damn girl, you smell good. Gotta get me a bite.”
So imagine my horror when I see a mosquito flying around in my house. I took a few swats at it and it moved on. I went back to watching football.
The next morning I get up and I am itchy. My right hand, elbow and knees have bites. Perfect.
The next night I worked harder to find the rascal and squash him. I carried around an old fly swatter with me the whole night. He must have smelled the aroma of bug guts and stayed away because I never saw him. When I went to bed I put it on the floor right beside me and covered myself from head to toe with the comforter. The thought crossed my mind to spray myself with OFF but I really didn’t want to stink up my sheets.
The next morning, more bites. The backs of my knees, thighs and more on my arms. I ran around the house screaming, ” You bastard!!!! I am gonna squash you tonight and have you for dinner!!!” I don’t know why I said it really…it just came out of my mouth. I guess this is what anger does to you…makes you say some of the dumbest things ever.
No luck that night finding him. He heard me and was hiding, probably in my bed waiting to bite me on the ass. Is there anything worse than a mosquito bite on your ass or boob? You go around scratching it and look like a weirdo.
The next morning I try to lock myself in the bathroom away from the mosquito. By this time I am covered in bites. Just then he flies by my head. I open up the bathroom door so I can get more light in there. He moved out into the bedroom with me and I watched him move around. I wait…and wait…then finally…SMACK! DEAD MOSQUITO! I ran around the house waving my bug gut hands in the air screaming, “I killed you, you mother-fer!!!!!” I am so glad my neighbor the drug smuggler was out of the country picking up another load. It came out of my mouth before I knew what was happening.
That night I go to bed at peace finally, knowing I have demolished the critter and won’t wake up to a million more bites.
Well guess what? I had more bites. Later that night, I had walked into the kitchen to get a drink and saw the biggest mosquito I have ever seen in my life sitting in my kitchen sink (he must have had 10 gallons of my blood stored in his body). I grabbed a dish towel, snuck up on it and smashed it. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!! I went to bed feeling so great. No wonder I had so many bites, there were two of the little turds feeding on me, the only human in my house.
This morning I woke up and more bites. I think I even have them on my head. Or maybe I have lice now. I wouldn’t doubt it at this rate. My morale has sunk to an all-time low and I was seriously considering moving out of my house. But as I moved to start my shower I see another mosquito lift off from the tub. I started backing slowly out of the bathroom…luring him into better light (apparently I have reached that age where glasses are needed full-time). He was stubborn and wanted to stay inside the damp and dark bathroom. So I started trash talking him.
“I am going to kill you this morning. I am going to squish you between my hands and rub your guts on my face and do a victory dance. That’s right. I don’t even care if I am late for work. I will stay here in this house until you are dead.”
It worked. He came right at me. And SMASHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH went his guts all over my hands. I don’t think I have ever been this happy in all of my life. Seriously, if I had children, this day would be even better than the day they were born because let’s face it…children are like little mosquitoes that suck the life out of you instead of blood.
I jumped up on my bed and shouted, “If there are more of you mother-fers in this house I suggest you get your crap and be out by the time I get off work today! This house will be mosquito free. I don’t care if I have to bathe in repellent and sleep wrapped up in tin foil. I will continue fighting until you are all a squished bloody mess between my massive hammer hands.”
I pray they are gone for good. I also pray that none of them carried the West Nile Virus.
Why is my house suddenly the mosquito Club Med? I really don’t know. The only thing I can think of is last Saturday a lady came to my house to pick up a dresser I have that I want refinished. The door was propped open until after she had loaded it and tied it down. I didn’t think it was all that long but apparently mosquitoes move faster than you think when they are looking at spending a week in paradise chomping on the Chanin buffet.
Sometimes I think I should start seeing my shrink again.