Mom called me last night.
“Have you taken a look in the backyard lately?? she asked.
Mom and I live in a duplex. She has one side and I have the other. Our backyard is one big open area surrounded by a privacy fence.
“Nope. What’s up?” I asked.
“There is something very large living in our backyard. It has destroyed your pool, opened up the storage shed doors and flipped over patio furniture. I saw it. Damn thing is HUGE. I think it must weigh at least 40 pounds, ” she says.
Both of the fence gates are padlocked. The only way for an animal to enter our yard would be to belly crawl under the fence or they build an animal cheer pyramid and the top animal back-flips over.
“What did it look like?” I ask.
“Very large and brown and scary looking. I know you…you are just wanting to go out there and confront it. Well don’t. That damn thing will eat your ass off!” she said.
I don’t know how I stop myself from bursting out laughing when she says things like this because she is so serious.
“Mom, do you think it could have been a ground-hog?” I calmly asked.
“Ground hog? Are you nuts? Those don’t get as big as this thing is,” she replied.
“They are pretty big, Mom. But it is probably a baby grizzly bear or something, because that is more likely,” I said.
” Don’t get smart with me! I don’t know what it is, but the next time I see it I am calling those animal control people to come get it. DON’T YOU DARE GO OUT IN THAT YARD FOR ANYTHING!” she said.
I got off the phone with her and snuck out in the backyard (you might be able to hear her screaming when she reads this…just be thankful she still hasn’t figured out how to leave comments). I did take a baseball bat with me just in case.
Whatever this thing is, it had somehow moved all these concrete blocks that were wedged to hold the storage shed door closed. Impressive no matter what kind of animal we are talking about.
Then I went over to inspect my giant swimming pool. Ok, it is a sad little pool, but it is hotter than hell here and sometimes it is just nice to float around in 90 degree water.
This pool was 10 feet wide and 3 feet deep, but no more. Mom’s theory is it jumped on my pool trying to get to some water. Its large bear claws shredded my pool and deflated it. I guess all my summer fun is over because I am not filling it up again. Bastard bear ruined my summer.
It also looks like the bear tried to sunbathe in my chair after his swim in my pool. The giant groundhog must have scared him away in such a hurry, he flipped the chair over backwards.
I inspected the whole yard and found nothing. I was prepared to battle a baby grizzly, chupacabra or an anaconda. Whatever it was, it is long gone now, but I hope it visits again just to get my mom wound up. She says some funny stuff when stressed. You would think she would have learned by now that I write what she says on my blog. Or maybe she is enjoying being an internet star and is coming up with this stuff on purpose. Maybe she will leave a comment and let us know which it is. BAH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!