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My Most Personal Story Yet

11/15/2013 by C.

Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhh

Oh yeahhhhhhhhhhh

 

 

 

 

Recently I took a writing workshop and the advice I heard most from the speakers was, “write about what scares you”. Supposedly this will be your best work. A thought came to mind and I have decided to share with you what I wrote. I really don’t like to share and I especially don’t like being so vulnerable, but I needed to follow their advice and get this amazing story out in the world. I hope it will change your life.

 

The day it all started was a cold and cloudy November day. The leaves were turning all shades of orange and maroon, swirling to the ground only to be tossed down the street by the chilly wind. I left the house early that day to get my shopping done before the store got swamped. 

I had taken the day off work because in a few days I would be hosting a large dinner party for a group of my buddies from college. It would be wonderful to see all the girls again. We had all moved on and made our way in the world but we had always stayed in touch. Our yearly gatherings were a time for reflection and celebration.

At the store, I rounded the snack aisle looking for my one and only love, Oreos. The shelves had been wiped out. They didn’t even have the gross reduced fat ones. What was going on? I chased down the manager to find out.

“Oh, haven’t you heard? They have stopped making Oreos for good. We ran out within hours of the announcement,” he said.

“Ha-ha very funny, now tell me where the hell you hid the Oreos,” I replied.

“Lady, let go of my neck! I am serious, they aren’t making them anymore,” he said.

I released my grip and left the store immediately. The thought of no more Oreos was more than I could take. I had to find some. My first thought was to go to a dollar store, thinking that maybe they hadn’t been hit yet. I was wrong. I spent seven hours going all over town to every single place I could think might have some. No luck.

When I arrived home that evening, I was depressed. Oreos have been with me my whole life, without Oreos I would never have survived my divorce from Bob. I got on the internet and searched, surely I could still buy a package or twenty from someplace.

EBay was first on my list. A package of regular Oreos was going for $650. Hmmmm, I can’t swing that. I typed in Amazon.com because I get free shipping with my Prime account. Out of stock. What the hell??????

As a last resort I placed an ad on Craigslist.

WANTED: SOME DAMN OREOS

Willing to pay top dollar for a full bag. None of that reduced fat shit please. Text to 417-***-****

It didn’t take long to get a reply.

“Meet me on corner of 10th and Virginia. Cash only…$200 for full package of original Oreos.”

Hot damn! By this time it was midnight and I was desperate. I really needed the $200 to buy food for the dinner party, but screw those snotty bitches; they can eat Taco Bell and like it.

As I turned the corner onto Virginia, I saw an old beat up gray Oldsmobile. He flashed his headlights at me so I walked over to his car.

“Get in,” he said.

What was I to do? I wanted the damn Oreos but I also didn’t want to be molested. Well, he wasn’t that bad looking…maybe I could be molested if I knew I would get my Oreos in return.  Desperate times call for desperate measures, folks.

“Don’t look at me, just slide the cash across the seat,” he ordered.

“Not until you give me my cookies,” I replied.

He rolled his eyes and reached under his seat. It was one of those moments  when you hear trumpets blaring, angels singing, declaring victory was finally mine. All of my hard work had paid off. There in my lap were my beloved Oreos.

Out of the side of my mouth I spoke quietly, “If I need more, can you help me?”

“Possibly, but the price will go up,” he replied.

I nodded and exited his vehicle.

 Once I reached home I was doing a happy dance all the way into my kitchen. I poured myself a tall, icy, cold glass of milk and settled down to eat a few of my favorite cookies. I peeled the top back only to see I had been tricked. That bastard had filled my Oreo container with cheap generic sandwich cookies. Son of a …

My world went sharply downhill after that. I flew through my savings buying bags on EBay. That wasn’t even enough. I had to sell my home, my car and I lost my job because I would spend days breaking into homes looking for just a couple of cookies. I had become a full-blown Oreo addict and my supplies were very limited.

I became a prostitute in order to be able to afford more shipments of cookies. There was nothing I wouldn’t do and I soon contracted various deadly diseases. It is now on my death-bed I am writing this story as a warning to the world.

“What are you writing?” the nurse asked.

“The story of how Oreos ruined my life. I was unable to function without a fix. Look at me now, I am dying at an early age all because of Oreos,” I replied.

“Hon, I hate to break this to you, but Oreos have been back on the market for a year now. There was such a reaction to them pulling them off the shelves, they had to start producing them again,” she explained.

Son of a bitch.

 

 


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