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My Teeth Are Smithsonian Quality

03/22/2014 by C.






I look forward to dental appointments.  The excitement leading up to those appointments is comparable to Christmas and a new season of Downton Abbey.  Many consider my excitement as highly unusual.  I post on Facebook, “Dentist appointment today, so excited!!!!” only to get more negative responses than Miley Cyrus got for her VMA performance.

Going to the dentist is great for my self-esteem.  My dentist is in love with my teeth.

“You have the most beautiful teeth,” she says.

That is normal for every visit.  I know you are probably thinking that I must have teeth as perfect as Beyonce’s.  They are just perfect in structure.  You see, I am in my 40’s and have never had a cavity.  I have never had any work done in my mouth that would require a shot from the dentist except when my wisdom teeth were removed and that doesn’t count because I had to go to an oral surgeon for that.

“Look, at your beautiful teeth.  It is as if they have never been used…they are museum quality,” she said on my last visit.

Say what?  Museum quality?  My teeth should be in the freaking Smithsonian, bitches!

“You still have your mamelons.  It is very rare for an adult your age to still have these.”  She runs her finger along the bumps on the ends of my teeth.

“Most adults have ground these down just by eating, but most of yours are still intact.  Simply amazing.  You take such good care of your teeth, it is so obvious.”

That is the thing.  I really have not.  My mother took more than the recommended daily dose of calcium when pregnant with me and that is how I explain all of this.  I only brush my teeth once a day and floss maybe once a month.  My teeth should be rotting out of my head due to the amount of sugar I consume and the lack of time I spend cleaning them.

She gets so excited to see me though; I cannot break her heart and tell her I am a slacker when it comes to dental care.  I will be honest…I do not want to tell her because I do not get compliments very often.  The biggest compliment I have gotten in my life was when a woman told me I look a lot like KD Lang and really, can that be considered a compliment?  I think not.

“I should use photos of your teeth for an advertisement of my dental practice.”

I immediately start to consider how much money one can make as a mouth model and what my business cards would look like.  My slogan would be, “Where else you gonna find adult mamelons?  Just call me.”

These cards would be a little weird in France as mamelons translates into the word, “nipple”.

“Where else you gonna find adult nipples?  Just call me.”  How much do nipple models make??? I might be moving to France.



  1. Karen says:

    You asked “Where else you going to find adult nipples?”
    Just ask your stalker outside your bedroom window! 😉
    Thanks for the giggles!

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