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  1. Best Inappropriate Elf Ever???

    December 19, 2014 by C.

    I LOVE this one!

    Jax is soooo horrible!

    Jax is soooo horrible!


  2. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 17, 2014 by C.

    This one is for my bestie…she absolutely loves this show but hates my elf. My attempt to get her to like him a little bit…

    Meth elf


  3. Monday Edition: The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 15, 2014 by C.

    Jax has been very bad over the weekend. He had a card party while I was away.

    I cannot believe this elf!

    I cannot believe this elf!


  4. Completely Gross And Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 12, 2014 by C.

    I am sorry. Please forgive me.

    Nasty.

    Nasty.


  5. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 10, 2014 by C.

     

     

    I had a friend visit this weekend and Jax mounted her. Needless to say, I probably won’t have to worry about my friend visiting ever again.

     

     

    Damn horny elf!

    Damn horny elf!


  6. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf Season 3

    December 8, 2014 by C.

    Well, it is almost time for Christmas and around here that means time to get busy playing with my nasty, horrible elf, Jax. I will go ahead and apologize for us in advance.

    If you like it, we will be posting every Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings from now through Christmas Eve. If you don’t like it, just continue watching the lame Christmas movies on Lifetime.

     

    First up…

    Naughty little elf!

    Naughty little elf! And looking away while I am screaming at you is just making things worse!

     


  7. Light Starch, Please

    September 26, 2014 by C.

    My home away from home.

    My home away from home.

     

     

    Laundry. I hate it. Is there really anyone in the world who likes to do laundry? My hatred of laundry has me taking many of my clothes to the dry cleaners to wash and press for me.

    I have a history with dry cleaners. When I lived in Colorado, I worked from home and it was lovely. But occasionally, I would need something pressed for an evening out.

    There was a dry cleaner in the shopping center behind my house. A beautiful Korean woman worked there and seemed to always be the only person in the store. Over the years I learned her name…Mi Cha. She was always very pleasant. Well, almost always.

    I constantly have stains on my shirts. I am a food dribbler.  I have often been tempted to carry around a bib with me when eating out in public.

    This stain was mustard. I tried to get it out before taking it to her but I had no luck. I walked up to the counter and opened up the shirt to show her the stain and as I opened my mouth to explain it was mustard, she looked at me and said, “You eat too much!”

    I immediately died laughing. She was very serious and seemed pretty angry about the mustard stain, but I just couldn’t stop laughing. My overweight body was jiggling from laughter and I think she felt somewhat better stating the obvious. I never had any issues after that. Not even the next week when I brought in a shirt with crusted ketchup on it.

    After moving back home from Colorado, I had to find a new place to take my clothes. After a couple of trips to one I found that was on my way to work, I really hit it off with Rachel, the woman who works the drive through window. I have been back home for five years now and we have gotten to know each other very well.

    I hate shopping for new clothes. Lately, I have been purchasing more and more from eBay. Once they arrive in the mail, I take them directly to Rachel to work her magic.

    One shirt in particular had Rachel all wound up when I went to pick up my clothes.

    “Why in the world did you pick out this shirt??? It is so NOT you. You know what you are going to look like in this shirt???? An impregnated peasant girl. Lace??? Ruffles? You??? Um, no. Take it back or set fire to it,” she said.

    Later that day I tried it on and was so pissed off to see that she was absolutely correct.

    Being the good sport that I am, I invited her over for the burning of the shirt; we made S’mores and laughed all night. Well actually, until I dropped burnt marshmallow and melting chocolate on my shirt and she gave me that evil dry cleaner stink eye and told me, “You eat too much!”

     

     


  8. A Hairy Ordeal

    August 19, 2014 by C.

    What a little shit!

    What a little shit!

     

     

     

    At age forty-three, I have been put into bifocals. As the doctor was telling me this, he saw the panic in my eyes and said to me, “Don’t think about this like it’s happening because you are getting old…just think about it like you have been really hard on your eyes and they are worn out and need some help.”

    Whatever, you young little shit.

    In my depression after finding this out, I decided I needed a cheeseburger, like a really greasy one and some fries and a milkshake too. *DO NOT JUDGE ME!*

    I got home with my heart attack in a sack and went to town. After a few bites, I thought I felt a hair in my mouth.

    GROSS,  I am never going there again. 

    I was feeling around in my mouth, but couldn’t feel it there anymore. I took the burger apart and saw nothing. Weird. I slapped it all back together and commenced with eating my depressed feelings.

    Son of a bitch! There’s that hair again!

    Again, I took the burger completely apart…I still didn’t see anything…I was feeling around in my mouth and I didn’t feel the hair anymore, but I was feeling extremely crazy.

    I took another bite. I felt the hair again. I just froze. A thought suddenly occurred to me. I slowly walked to the bathroom without chewing any further and leaned into the mirror.

    There growing out of my upper lip was a blonde hair that was so long it could reach just inside my mouth. I dropped my burger on the floor and started screaming from the shock of it all.

    How long has that been there???

    What a bunch of shitty friends I have for not telling me I have a wild hair growing out of my face!

    Bifocals and now this…I might as well go shopping for my funeral arrangements tomorrow. 

    The very best part of this story is it took me an entire hour to find the damn hair again in order to pluck it out because my bifocals wouldn’t be ready for two weeks.

    Getting old really sucks.

     


  9. Date Disaster

    August 10, 2014 by C.

    date

    I’m done.

     

     

    “I know it’s a little late, but would you like to meet me at Starbucks for a coffee or tea?” he asked.

    We had been talking via e-mails for a week and he had been asking me daily about meeting him somewhere in person.

    I suppose 8:30 pm is a little late when I have to be at work the next day, but surprisingly I wasn’t in my pjs yet. For once, I had on a decent looking shirt and I had just had my hair fluffed.

    “I would love to!” I responded.

    I met him inside, ordered my grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with soy milk and sat down with him at a table. I have to be honest, after he ordered a tall, non-fat latte with caramel drizzle, I almost bailed. I mean, what an obnoxious and annoying drink order…especially from a guy.

    Anywho, we decided to take a drive and since I have control issues, I drove. I had also had this really cool stereo installed in my car that I wanted to play with.

    So we drove around, switching out cds, talking and having a really great time. Other than that obnoxious drink order, I was really digging this guy. So many thoughts ran through my head as I drove through town…

    “Is it a requirement to wear a dress when you get married or are jean shorts ok?”

    “I hope he doesn’t expect my old uterus to poop out any kids for him.”

    “I hope he knows I am not putting out after one lousy Starbucks drink…what a tight-ass. I might want to reconsider this marriage.”

    Just a few blocks from dropping him off at his car, my cell phone rings through the stereo system via the bluetooth connection. I glanced at the screen and saw it was my mother. Then I glanced at the clock. Shit, it was 11 pm.

    I punched the receive call button and held my breath.

    “WHERE. ARE. YOU?” she asked.

    “Oh, just out driving around,” I replied.

    I looked over and he was staring out the window with a big grin on his face.

    Lovely.

    “It is after 11 at night and you have to work tomorrow! You haven’t even been at home tonight have you?”

    Please God. I beg of you. Just softly crash my car and have him whack his head on the dash just enough to cause some memory loss. All he will remember of this evening was that I look really good in pink and have excellent taste in music.

    “Yes, mom I was home between 7 and 8:30 tonight.”

    “Well, you are up to something. You normally tell me where you’re going. We will have a discussion about this tomorrow. Now, when you get home lock your door so Lurch doesn’t get in bed with you tonight. Good-bye.”

    The minute I hit the red disconnect button, he died laughing.

    He managed to choke out between belly laughs, “How old are you and who is Lurch???????”

    Yes, it’s true. I am a 43-year-old single woman and my mother just ruined the last shot I had at securing myself a husband.

    Does anyone have a cheap rocking chair I can buy to prepare for my days as an old maid???

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  10. Taser Twins

    August 3, 2014 by C.

    ZAP!

    ZAP!

     

     

     

    My mom has gotten increasingly nervous about Lurch across the street. It seems to be about the only thing she talks about anymore.

    “Lurch was standing on his front porch when I got home from the grocery store today. I think he saw me leave this morning and went and stood there until I got back so he can get a good look. He is so weird. I am scared one of these days he is going to kill us both.”

     

    Every day when I get home I get some sort of phone call from her with the updates of what Lurch has been up to all day long and how scared she is of him. I guess she hasn’t realized it is just as creepy that she watches him all day long.

    Lurch’s mom called her the other day saying that Lurch noticed we hadn’t left the house in three days (we were gone on our vacation) and he started to come over to investigate but she stopped him. Mom tells her that we were on vacation (in Tennessee?????) and that she really isn’t much of a social neighbor hoping Mama Lurch would get the hint.

    I hate to see my mom so worried about this dude. She found out he is on disability from Mama Lurch so he has nothing better to do than to sit and stare at our house and download porn (that last part was according to my mom). So this morning I saw a deal on buy one taser, get the other free.

    “Mom, I got us matching pink tasers!”

    “For what?”

    “Well, just keep it at home and if Lurch shows up you can taser his ass.”

    “I am going to sleep with it right by my bed every night!”

    She clearly got excited.

    “Wait, how do you know they work?”

    “I don’t know…I guess you just have faith that they will shock the shit out of someone…”

    “What can we try it out on?”

    “Um, nothing?”

    “That’s no fun. I want to know if it works or not.”

    I have this fear she is going to sneak into my house in the middle of the night and try hers out on me. She scares me more than Lurch ever did. This just might be the worst idea I have ever had.


  11. From One Chanin to Another

    July 13, 2014 by C.

    Chanin Hale on cover of TV Guide.

    Chanin Hale on cover of TV Guide.

     

     

     

    My mother and father were looking for baby names for the future me. One evening my mom was looking through a TV Guide (not the one pictured) and in a listing for a show that night she noticed the name “Chanin Hale”. She wasn’t sure how it was pronounced but to her it was “Chan” as in Jackie Chan and then “in”. She ran it past my father and rest is history.

     

    I have been collecting celebrity and athlete autographs through the mail for years now. One day I just thought it would be cool to have her sign something for me. So I Googled her and saw that she was still alive (she will turn 76 in September) and I wrote her a letter explaining how I had gotten my name from hers. I apologized for not having seen any shows she had been in…but that I would be thrilled to have her autograph. I also asked her how she pronounced it…I am very curious about that.

    I came home on Friday and in the mail was a thank you card from Chanin Hale.

    The card

    The card

     

    In it she thanks me for my letter. Tells me she has been busy taking care of her older husband (he is 97) and that she will get her things together and send my photo back autographed and answer all the questions I had for her. She even thanked me for being patient!

    I cannot wait to receive the autograph along with all the answers I have been wanting for a very long time now. It just thrills me to know that she seems like a very nice and cool lady…makes me happy that we share the same name.


  12. The Looming Vacation

    July 7, 2014 by C.

    Slow down so I can chew on your ear!

    Slow down so I can chew on your ear!

     

     

     

    For whatever reason I got this crazy idea I should take my mother and my 11-year-old niece on a vacation this summer. We are going to road trip it up to South Dakota to see Mt. Rushmore and a few other attractions, then head over to Wyoming and then cut down to Colorado and spend a day in Estes Park, then head back home.

    We ordered a few tourism guides and one of the things I saw was “Bear Country USA” south of Rapid City, SD. They have a “Babyland” where you can see baby bears up close and I thought my niece would love that. You also drive through their 250 acre park where you come across all sorts of wildlife…yes, including bears.

    I made the mistake of mentioning it to my mother.

    “Are you nuts??? Those bears could eat us! Or at the very least tear up your car!”

    “Mom, we are in a car. If it gets too close, I just drive away. Pretty simple.”

    “Obviously you have no idea how fast bears can run. They are much quicker than you think.”

    “Can a bear run 40 miles per hour??? 60 miles per hour? Whatever it takes, I can outrun a damn bear in my car.”

    “Chanin, I would just really prefer we skip doing this. It is just too dangerous.”

    “We are doing this…I have already told Blakely about it. She is excited. If the bears get too close I will drive 60 miles per hour to get away from them. If a bear can keep up with us at 60, I am just gonna stop the car and roll down all the windows because that bear deserves a tasty treat.”

    She gave me a dirty look and left shaking her head.

    I can tell you right now, I am going to need to be heavily medicated for this trip.

     

    Check out Bear Country USA!


  13. Painkillers Are Lovely

    July 1, 2014 by C.

    I love bitch mints!

    I love bitch mints!

     

     

     

     

     

    I have had back problems for a week now. Today is the first day I have been able to stand up semi-straight.

     

    The past few days have been really bad so I have had some very thoughtful friends and family (aka drug dealers) dropping off pain meds since my Aleve just wasn’t cutting it.

     

    First up was my pillpusher mother, dropping off leftover Hydrocodone from her knee replacement surgery. I sat for two hours after swallowing it getting a little crabby because it wasn’t working and then it finally kicked in. I didn’t feel particularly tired, I just didn’t really give a shit about much. This was very evident in my text and email messages.

    “Hey, Tackett…my mom wants me to take a muscle relaxer on top of this soon. Will I die????????????????????”

    To another friend…”Taking drugs. If the mixture kills me, you can have my duplex. Just save this message and show it to my mom.”

    I get a text back to find out what dosage of Hydro I was given. I was on the phone with my mother when Tackett tries to call me. My phone has those auto text responses. I thought I pushed I was in a meeting (none of the others made any sense at all) but according to Tackett I pushed that I was at the movies.

    The very next text I got from her, “You are high or something. I am calling an ambulance. What movie are you in?”

    Me: “WHAT?????????????”

    Tackett: “What movie are you sitting in?”

    Me: “I don’t know what you are talking about. I am sitting at home!”

    Conversations like this went on for the rest of the night until I finally passed out.

    Then Friday night, another drug dealing friend brought over Percocet. I took one with dinner and within the hour I was dozing on and off. I finally put myself to bed around 11pm.

    I woke up the next day around 9am and was feeling much better. I got on the computer and started scheduling my Happy Pills posts. Within two hours, my head was on my desk and I woke up drooling. I shook it off and went to run some errands.

    Got back, sat in my recliner and started dozing off again. What the hell???? If this is anything like what will happen when I get old, I am NOT going to be a happy camper at the old folks home.

    After dinner, I thought I would try again to schedule my Happy Pills. Within the hour I was dozing off again. At 7:30 pm  I decided to stop fighting it and just lay down for an hour. And I woke up just before midnight. Awesome.

    I got out of bed and finished scheduling my page around 1:30am, then climbed back into bed and woke up around 7:30 the next morning. I think I might have finally gotten that Percocet out of my system. I am extremely relieved I did not take this on a night I had to go to the work the next day or I would have never made it.

    This experience has given me a great idea for my next vacation though. Take the daily limit of each pill every other day and sleep and write down the insane thoughts that pop into my head. I am certain by the end of the week I will be well-rested and have a best seller in my hands.

     

     

     

     

     


  14. Diets Suck

    June 15, 2014 by C.

    Grrrrrrrrr

    Grrrrrrrrr

     

     

     

    I’ve been on the diet from hell for about a month now. It has been pretty successful in that I have dropped close to twenty-five pounds in that time span. I feel so much better already, it just blows my mind.

    My reasons for starting the diet were many…but the main reason was a vacation I will go on in July with my eleven-year-old niece. I didn’t want to be tired and run down and not be able to do the things she wants to do. I don’t want her to have a crappy vacation because of me.  I just couldn’t live with that.

    Everyone has been very supportive. I have updated my Happy Pills page with my progress every Monday morning. The positive comments I get inspire me and keep me moving forward. It is really important to have positive feedback because I don’t get much of that at home.

    My mother came over one evening to tell me something (I am not sure why she doesn’t call, but whatever).  She asked about my weight loss and I told her all about it…feeling very proud of myself.

    She looked at me and said, “You know what would really help you…a breast reduction. Your back would feel so much better and I bet if you would just drop to a C cup, you would lose 20 pounds.”

    Isn’t that interesting? If you cut off some body parts you can lose weight.

    “Well, while we are at it how about we chop off both my arms…or maybe an arm and a leg. That would make me soooooo much lighter. What a great idea! Why didn’t I think of this sooner?” I replied.

    She stared at me for a few moments and finally responded, “smart ass” and got up from the couch and walked out of my house.

    I don’t care how much my brain weighs; she won’t be getting that removed. I need it in order to deal with her every day.

     


  15. Like a Good Neighbor, Stay Over There

    June 5, 2014 by C.

    LURCH

    LURCH looks like Boo Radley!

     

     

    A very nice older couple lived across the street from us. When I say “nice” I mean they left us the hell alone, only waving occasionally.

    They moved away and in moves Lurch and his mom. If I were to guess, I would say Lurch is in his mid-forties and to put it mildly, there is something wrong with him.

    Now, before I get a million e-mails calling me an asshole for making fun of the mentally challenged, please let me say if he had just stayed on his side of the street and left us alone, I would have had no clue there was something wrong with him. So, this is really all his fault. And as far as I can tell, it’s not something he was born with…I am thinking it’s more along the lines of taking a bath while making toast.

    My mother is actually to blame for this. She is the one who went over to introduce herself and offer them access to our storm shelter in case of tornadoes. He stalks her the most and I think that is fitting since she got it started. I can tell you right now, I think I would prefer to attempt to outrun the tornado than to be locked in a small confined space with this weirdo.

    We receive Valentine’s gifts, Easter gifts, cupcakes and various other expressions of his affection. Neither of them work so they just sit in their living room and watch what we do day and night. An example:

    Lurch to Mom: Hello, there.  I just came to checks on ya. Saw your daughter hauling you around everywhere dis week. Hope you are ok.

    Mom: Um, yes I am fine. She was on vacation and took me to dinner. Once.

    The time he brought over the Valentine’s gifts he snuck up behind me in the garage. Scared the living shit out of me. No more of that. I have started shutting the garage door the minute I pull in. Believe it or not, it is worth the risk of carbon monoxide poisoning.

    His latest trick is pulling up my mom’s trash cart after the trash has been collected. Apparently, shutting the garage door has pissed him off because he leaves mine at the curb. What. a. bastard.

    My mom is finally starting to get a little nervous about the situation as every time she speaks with him he comments on what cars were at our house and when. We have both closed our blinds and stay trapped in our homes ever since hearing some of his comments.

    He has her so creeped out now that she comes over without my knowledge every evening to lock the door in my garage that goes into the house. I had to tease her about it and of course she feels he is going to pop open my  garage door and come on in.

    I can imagine his response as he is standing over my bed in the middle of the night.

    “Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww where is the mom??????????????”