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  1. If Women Had Penises

    February 23, 2015 by C.

    Yes, please!

    Yes, please!

     

     

    My niece and nephew came to stay with me for a few days after Christmas. We had a blast like we always do. I delivered them back home safely and went back to my normal, boring life.

    A few days after they had left, I had a friend over. She had been drinking a ton of tea (told you I have a boring life… I don’t have any party animal friends) and she needed to use the restroom. A few minutes later she comes out of the guest bathroom and says, “I think your nephew might have missed the toilet because there is urine on the back of it, by the tank.”

    I rarely go into my guest bathroom. It is just that…a room for guests to do their business and the owner to just clean occasionally.

    “WHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?????????,”  was my response to her. 

    “Boys seem to have a hard time hitting the target, it’s pretty normal. I mean he is only five, Chanin.”

    “Well, that is just unacceptable. The least he could have done was told me and I would have cleaned it up, but now I am humiliated because I have urine all over my guest bathroom toilet and you saw it first.”

    “Men do this too. I’m surprised you haven’t had more issues with it.”

    Men do this on a regular basis????????????? How? Why??? I don’t understand how this happens on a regular basis and if grown men do this, why in the hell don’t they clean up after themselves??? Apparently, I have only had very neat and clean men in my home. 

    Here is what I know. If a woman had a penis, she would NEVER miss the toilet. Not only that, she would put her penis to work and not just in the porn industry.

    1. There would be no more need for Smokey the Bear because women would just wander around forests waiting to put out fires with their new and handy fire extinguisher.

    2. A woman would be able to create art with her new penis.

    3. A woman would become a world-renowned ice sculptor using her penis much more precisely than a cumbersome chainsaw (although this method would take much longer than a chainsaw).

    4.  A woman would tie a line to that thing and fish while swimming in a lake (because we are multi-tasking creatures).

    5. Invent a snap on case that with the push of a button turns into a light saber and use it to fight evildoers.

    6. We would be smart enough to know that our manhood isn’t measured by the width and length of it. This would make us supremely secure in ourselves and less likely to be assholes.

    7. Dress it in outfits and throw puppet shows at strip clubs.

    Really, the possibilities are endless.

    It would also be so satisfying to make the money men make just because they have one of those things and also standing while urinating seems like such a wonderful time saver.

    Sadly, God did not make us with one of those handy tools so we will have to continue sitting on toilets to urinate and making less money, but at least our sex is better organized, much more attractive and always right.


  2. 40 Things About Me

    January 23, 2015 by C.

    For inquiring minds...

    For inquiring minds…

     

     

    I put this together for all of my stalkers and those who just feel the need to know more about me. I apologize in advance. Well, except to my stalkers who are thrilled beyond belief. You’re welcome.

    1.       I hate being outside.

    2.      Mainly because of bugs.

    3.      One time a bee crawled in my pop can while I was golfing. It stung the inside of my upper lip. My lip was huge. Bees don’t taste good in case you were wondering. 

    4.      I love any kind of storm (yes, even snow).

    5.      Rainy days are my favorite…especially if the weather is cooler, like in the 50’s.

    6.      I was in a rock band in high school. I played guitar, but really wanted to play drums.

    7.      I have a set of drums in storage.

    8.     I don’t play them because I am scared of all the bugs in the storage unit.

    9.      Bugs freak me the hell out.

    10.  I love kids in small doses, except for my niece and nephew. I would like a dose of them daily, but they live two hours away.

    11.   I never had kids of my own because I knew my cursing, eating cereal for dinner (Lucky Charms and Fruitty Pebbles)  and my love of staying up all hours would not be healthy for a child.

    12.  Also, I would lock them outside to play all the time, like even in the winter or overnight.

    13.  And I am super selfish and love to spend all my money on zombie toys, books, and Oreos.

    14.  Plus I HATE eating at McDonald’s. It is so gross. I was told once they use cow eyeballs as meat filler. No thanks. But kids love that shit, so no kids for me!

    15.   I however LOVE eating Papa John’s pizza and drinking Cokes.

    16.  I don’t drink alcohol. Ever. I know you probably find that hard to believe since many of my posts are about wine or drinking, but that is not the case. I have allergies to alcohol and I am never sure what will set them off, so I just avoid it altogether. I put those posts up for all of you. Yes, I am super sweet and considerate.

    17.   I have been known to sniff quite a bit of glue, though.

    18.  Not really. My mom just had a heart attack. Sorry Mom!

    19.  My mom lives in the duplex next to mine. I write about her all the time because I think she is very funny (especially when she doesn’t mean to be). She has threatened to sue me many times. I try to make her understand that it will all pay off for her one day (that means she might get a nursing home with activities like basket weaving AND also has attentive aides to wipe her butt).

    20. I have always been determined to be semi-famous. My autograph has been perfected and I am ready for my 1st book signing. Guess I just need to actually write a book.

    21.  I have started approximately 204 books but have not gotten past the 1st chapter of any of them.

    22. I suck.

    23. One of my most favorite things in the world is breakfast buffet. Especially in Vegas.

    24. I hate going to Vegas though.

    25.  I have two dream vacations…one to Italy so I can eat my weight in pasta and hang with George Clooney at Lake Como. 2nd one is a trip to Los Angeles to do nothing but stalk TV and movies stars for a week.

    26. I collect autographs of celebrities and athletes through the mail.

    27.  Out of all of them that have been returned to me signed, the one that truly made me get tears in my eyes was Carol Burnett. I have loved her and her show since I was a child.

    28. I love movies and I am a snob about them.

    29.  Such a snob, I have never watched Dumb and Dumber or Happy Gilmore. I HATE Dirty Dancing and Ghost.

    30. I am also a book snob. Hated Twilight and 50 Shades.

    31.My friends get irritated with me because I make fun of their enjoyment of such movies and books.

    32.  I  had to have one such friend go with me to get my ears pierced when I was 26-years-old, because I hate needles and I was scared to death.

    33. I still hate needles.

    34. I would never make a very good druggie.

    35. I would however be an excellent drug dealer.

    36.  I really want to learn how to shoot guns.

    37. I also want to learn how to throw knives like a ninja.

    38.  I might be a little weird.

    39. Ok, I am a lot weird.

    40. I love each and every person for taking the time out of their day to come to this page and read the things I write. Thank you so very, very much.


  3. Goodbye 2014

    December 31, 2014 by C.

    2015 is gonna rock!

    2015 is gonna rock!

     

     

    As 2014 comes to a close, I can’t help but to think back to the time when I first started writing the Happy Pills blog and I introduced the Happy Pills Facebook page to go along with it.

    When first starting my blog, I was told I should avoid using “Happy Pills”. It might offend people on antidepressants. Well, guess what? I am on antidepressants myself and no one knows the value of those precious pills more than I do. If it has ever offended anyone, I never heard about it.

     

    My main focus in life the past eight years was to be a writer and to make people laugh. That is still my main focus. However, I do less writing now and spend more time on my Happy Pills Facebook page. I have been told it is a “waste of your time” and “you should focus on your writing and forget about that Facebook page”. I have had friends tell me that some of my posts are “disgusting”, “disturbing” and “not funny”. I have had people tell me I should be embarrassed by some of the things I post. At one point in 2014, I almost shut the page down because of all the negative comments I had received.

    So, to all the haters and negative wankers…I am still here. I am still posting funny stuff all day long, 7 days a week. I am still spending way too much time looking for funny stuff on the internet to share with everyone, but I am also writing. In 2014, I submitted three stories for contests, another four stories for possible publication and I am working on a book series (I hope to have the first out by summer of 2015). I was elected as Vice President of my Writers Guild. I feel like I do a fairly decent job of balancing the two things. And if all that ever comes of the Happy Pills Fan page is making people laugh, then I see that as a huge success. 

    Also in 2014, my Facebook fan page went from 1397 likes to 6199 (as I am writing this)…an increase of 4802! I am so proud of that. To me, that is proof positive I am doing something right, no matter how many people tell me it is so wrong.

    I know the whole “New Year, New You” thing is so overdone and annoying, but in 2015 I am setting a goal of 25,000 likes by this time next year. I will have a self-published e-book out for sale on Amazon and I will keep on making people laugh. That last part is the most important, because without you guys, there would be no need for me. Your comments and interactions with me keeps me plugging along and offers encouragement, not to mention, entertains me. I appreciate every single like, share and comment I receive and no matter how many people like this page, I will make sure I read every comment and give you a “like” to let you know I saw it. Thank you so very much for spending time with me on my page.

    I want to wish you all a Happy New Year and I hope big things happen for all of us in 2015!


  4. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 22, 2014 by C.

    Haha! The Biebs is done! It is a Christmas miracle!

    The secret is out!

    The secret is out!


  5. Best Inappropriate Elf Ever???

    December 19, 2014 by C.

    I LOVE this one!

    Jax is soooo horrible!

    Jax is soooo horrible!


  6. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 17, 2014 by C.

    This one is for my bestie…she absolutely loves this show but hates my elf. My attempt to get her to like him a little bit…

    Meth elf


  7. Monday Edition: The Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 15, 2014 by C.

    Jax has been very bad over the weekend. He had a card party while I was away.

    I cannot believe this elf!

    I cannot believe this elf!


  8. Completely Gross And Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 12, 2014 by C.

    I am sorry. Please forgive me.

    Nasty.

    Nasty.


  9. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 10, 2014 by C.

     

     

    I had a friend visit this weekend and Jax mounted her. Needless to say, I probably won’t have to worry about my friend visiting ever again.

     

     

    Damn horny elf!

    Damn horny elf!


  10. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf Season 3

    December 8, 2014 by C.

    Well, it is almost time for Christmas and around here that means time to get busy playing with my nasty, horrible elf, Jax. I will go ahead and apologize for us in advance.

    If you like it, we will be posting every Monday, Wednesday and Friday evenings from now through Christmas Eve. If you don’t like it, just continue watching the lame Christmas movies on Lifetime.

     

    First up…

    Naughty little elf!

    Naughty little elf! And looking away while I am screaming at you is just making things worse!