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Painkillers Are Lovely

07/01/2014 by C.

I love bitch mints!

I love bitch mints!






I have had back problems for a week now. Today is the first day I have been able to stand up semi-straight.


The past few days have been really bad so I have had some very thoughtful friends and family (aka drug dealers) dropping off pain meds since my Aleve just wasn’t cutting it.


First up was my pillpusher mother, dropping off leftover Hydrocodone from her knee replacement surgery. I sat for two hours after swallowing it getting a little crabby because it wasn’t working and then it finally kicked in. I didn’t feel particularly tired, I just didn’t really give a shit about much. This was very evident in my text and email messages.

“Hey, Tackett…my mom wants me to take a muscle relaxer on top of this soon. Will I die????????????????????”

To another friend…”Taking drugs. If the mixture kills me, you can have my duplex. Just save this message and show it to my mom.”

I get a text back to find out what dosage of Hydro I was given. I was on the phone with my mother when Tackett tries to call me. My phone has those auto text responses. I thought I pushed I was in a meeting (none of the others made any sense at all) but according to Tackett I pushed that I was at the movies.

The very next text I got from her, “You are high or something. I am calling an ambulance. What movie are you in?”

Me: “WHAT?????????????”

Tackett: “What movie are you sitting in?”

Me: “I don’t know what you are talking about. I am sitting at home!”

Conversations like this went on for the rest of the night until I finally passed out.

Then Friday night, another drug dealing friend brought over Percocet. I took one with dinner and within the hour I was dozing on and off. I finally put myself to bed around 11pm.

I woke up the next day around 9am and was feeling much better. I got on the computer and started scheduling my Happy Pills posts. Within two hours, my head was on my desk and I woke up drooling. I shook it off and went to run some errands.

Got back, sat in my recliner and started dozing off again. What the hell???? If this is anything like what will happen when I get old, I am NOT going to be a happy camper at the old folks home.

After dinner, I thought I would try again to schedule my Happy Pills. Within the hour I was dozing off again. At 7:30 pm  I decided to stop fighting it and just lay down for an hour. And I woke up just before midnight. Awesome.

I got out of bed and finished scheduling my page around 1:30am, then climbed back into bed and woke up around 7:30 the next morning. I think I might have finally gotten that Percocet out of my system. I am extremely relieved I did not take this on a night I had to go to the work the next day or I would have never made it.

This experience has given me a great idea for my next vacation though. Take the daily limit of each pill every other day and sleep and write down the insane thoughts that pop into my head. I am certain by the end of the week I will be well-rested and have a best seller in my hands.






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