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Pay Day Might Kill You

07/06/2011 by C.

A study in the “Journal of Public Economics” states that the mortality rate increases for people the week after pay day. 

Four major groups were studied-military personnel, senior citizens on Social Security, families receiving tax rebates and recipients of Alaska’s Permanent Fund dividends. The largest causes of death the week after pay day were heart attacks, substance abuse and accidents.

“After getting paid, people are just more active — they go out to dinner, head to the store, drive more, go to bars, etc.,” said Evans. “Some of this behavior is inherently risky, like drinking too much or driving drunk. Some of the activity will naturally increase risk — if you drive more, the risk of being in a car accident has increased.”

This actually makes sense when you think about it. The more money you have to spend the more you are out and about buying Jack Daniels and racing your Segway around the old folks home. 

I have decided to take action to prevent this sort of thing. I am never leaving the house again. I can buy pretty much anything I would ever need online and have it delivered right to my door. I could get a job working from home. I have heard those envelope licking home jobs aren’t too bad…sign me up! My pay check can be direct deposited so I never have to go to the bank. My bills can be paid online. Papa John’s delivers. Movies can be ordered on demand and you can even get video games delivered to your home. Books can be ordered through my Nook. For enough money I could even have Poison in concert in my backyard (surely you have figured out by now Bret Michaels will do anything for money). I sure do love this country. 

So be careful out there people. When Granny gets paid, everyone is in danger. 


  1. Anonymous says:

    …or, we could all get these vr droids to do our activities for us, like on that recent Bruce Willis movie. If there's an accident, simply get a new droid. We'd all be better looking, too!

  2. C.B. says:

    Hey Anon…I could handle being better looking for sure! lol

  3. Grumpy says:

    I always go on a binge after my Social Security check arrives.

  4. C.B. says:

    lol Grumpy I had a feeling you did. More power to ya…just be careful out there!

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