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Some Assembly Required

08/27/2011 by C.

I recently moved my bed around so that it would free up a vent and keep my bedroom a little cooler. The wall I moved the bed to is hardly wide enough for the bed. I had to move my nightstands out to the garage to store.

I was flipping through a catalog one evening and saw these small tables that I thought would fit perfectly in the crowded space and work as a decent nightstand. I ordered two of them and they finally arrived on Friday.

When I popped open the box I discovered that I had to put these together. I don’t remember reading that in the fine print or I never would have bought them. I don’t like to put things together at all. I have even gone so far to pay Wal-mart employees to sneak out to my car and put things together for me before I take them home. I have only had a couple of problems with this…I did get one employee fired. One of the micro-managers spotted James assembling a book shelf for me and came out screaming for some reason. I am sure James really didn’t like working at Wal-mart anyways…I mean who would.

Another time I had Jose put together a desk for me. He got all finished up and looked at me and said, ” Ay lady, deese desk es not gonna feet in chur car.” Well hell. I managed to talk Jose into waiting with my desk in my parking spot while I went to borrow a truck. When I came back Jose was asleep on top of my desk. It is just so hard to find good help these days.

After drinking an entire bottle of vodka, I managed to gather the courage to attempt putting these two tables together. I un-box the first one and get to work. The instructions had a little picture of all the parts with a letter next to them. A-H is what I had to deal with today. I prefer A-C max but the box was open and I needed some tables.

I began putting the pieces together and was just about to get it finished when I realized I had put the legs on upside down. I am not an engineer people! Why do they make these damn things so hard to figure out??? So I had to take it all apart, flip the legs around and start screwing it back together. I got to the very last screw and realized it was just not turning for some reason. I pulled the table to my face and saw the genius that made this thing welded a piece of the medal lopsided. Lovely.

After digging in the garage for half an hour looking for a hammer, I began to beat the hell out of this piece of  metal in hopes of bending it just enough to get the screw in. I began sweating like a cat in a Korean restaurant. Where is Jose when you need him???

The top is a piece of fake wood and I get out the screws (also know as F) and look at the diagram. Ok, I need to screw these tiny things into this piece of wood. There are no starter holes. I flipped the fake wood over. No starter holes on that side. The profanities I began to scream even scared me a little. I dug around in the garage for another half hour for a drill.

Top was screwed on and my last step was to screw in these little rubber screws for the bottom of the table. One of them was missing. I tore the box open digging frantically screaming, “Oh no you didn’t!!!!” So now my table rocks. Next thing I know I had picked up the screwdriver and hurled it towards the TV. Yep, it went in. So now I have a TV with a screwdriver hanging out of it.

That was it. I picked up the finished table and the second box full of more torture and disposed of them in my trash bin.

I was just not made to put things together. I now want to hurt people…maybe even cute puppies. There has to be an easier way besides marrying some damn man to do this crap.

Eureka!

Flipping through the phone book I quickly spot “Male Escorts” and dial the number. Hey, they get $200 an hour and have to do whatever I say. What could be better than watching a hottie put together my tables?


3 Comments

  1. nu G says:

    Chanin….you are too funny to be burdened with trying to assemble furniture, if you promise to keep writing funny stuff like this…no need for an escort service, or hubby….I will gladly come over and bring my screwdriver as you no longer have one! Lol

  2. Grumpy says:

    You did James a favor. Believe me, the only thing worse than assembling furniture is assembling furniture with a spouse. We have spent hours sweating, cursing and arguing over what seem to be the simplest of DIY tasks.

  3. C.B. says:

    I truly hate it. Nothing worse than putting together a piece of furniture.

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