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Posts Tagged ‘doctors’

  1. I Am An Idiot Part 3,756

    April 19, 2014 by C.

    Looks awkward, but helps you get a deep and rested sleep.

    Looks awkward, but helps you get a deep and rested sleep.

     

     

     

     

     

    I was put on a sleep apnea machine about three years ago. In those three years, I have seen my doctor three times.  Once a year he reads the card I bring in from the machine and makes adjustments if necessary.

     

    Last week I had an appointment.  I cannot describe to you how much better this machine makes me feel, so typically I am in a great mood when I see him. Not a soul in the waiting room, it didn’t take long to be escorted to the back.

    He slowly opens the door and walks in.  Being over eager and happy to be there, I said “Hello Dr. Blake!”

    Dr. Blake looked at me as if I were on huge amounts of drugs.  Then he slowly smiled and said, “Hello”.  He asked me a few questions about how things were going with my machine and then wrote a prescription for two more years of parts for the machine.  As we walked out he said, “See you in two years.”

    I paid the woman my co-pay in cash and rushed to meet some friends for lunch.  It wasn’t until late that night, when I took the appointment card out of my pocket that I realized why he looked at me so funny.

    His name is Dr. Little.


  2. A Hairy Tale

    January 22, 2014 by C.

    My jacked up foot.

    My jacked up foot.

     

     

     

     

    I have a couple of really bad bone spurs in my right foot. After waiting three months to get into my podiatrist, it was finally time to get a shot and relief from some of the pain.

    The nurse came in to get my blood pressure and weight, as she was leaving she asked me to remove my shoes and socks. I did so and climbed back into the chair. I sat twiddling my thumbs waiting for the doctor to come in. Looking down at my bare feet I noticed a giant black hair growing out of the middle of my left ankle, hanging down the length of my foot to my toes (ok, it wasn’t that long, but it was really long). I jumped out of the chair and scrambled to get my sock. It would at least cover it up and that foot is not the one that will be looked at by the doctor.

    The nurse comes back in because she forgot to ask if I needed a new pair of inserts for my shoes. She immediately notices my sock is back on.

    “Hon, you need to have both of your socks off for the exam.”

    “Please don’t make me take it off.”

    ”Sometimes he likes to look at both feet for a comparison…swelling etc. So, we really need it off.”

    In a whispery/mortified voice I say, “Look, I missed shaving a hair on my ankle. By the size of it, I have been missing it since I was 20. I will take my sock off, but please find me some scissors or something to cut it off.”

    She just cracked up and told me, “We have seen much worse I am sure” and walked out.

    Well, I am sure you haven’t seen hair on an ankle so long it could be turned into friendship bracelets for an entire 1st grade class, you witch.

    I took my sock back off.

    The doctor came in and of course didn’t notice my wild hair because he was too busy injecting my other foot with two giant needles. The nurse smirked at me as they left the room. Not sure if it was because my giant hair went undiscovered or because I was screaming for my mom like a little baby.

    I’m not sure how I missed that hair for all this time. Either I need more light in my shower stall or I need to wear my magnified reading glasses in the shower when I shave. Considering the length, maybe both are necessary.

     


  3. I Am One Sick Puppy (Drugs are Awesome)

    August 16, 2013 by C.

    Yucky

    Yucky

     

     

     

     

     

    I have been sick for a week. Tuesday morning I was able to get into my doctor to find out what was wrong.

    “Bronchitis,” he said.

    I stopped to get the inhaler, cough syrup and antibiotics he prescribed me.

    The pharmacist said it would be $60 so I paid, took the bag and went on my way. I get home and open it up. The only thing in the bag was the cough syrup. I wanted to cry. Their office is clear across town and I had zero energy to get back out. Thankfully, my mom went to get them for me. So, $130 later I was all set. I took the first dose of everything and went to bed.

    Now, I know he told me the cough syrup was a narcotic but that really means nothing to me. After one teaspoon, I slept for 7 hours. I wish I could say it was without interruption, but I heard my bedroom door swing open (I had one hangar on the back of the door knob). It rattled, stopped and then rattled again like the door was closing. I opened up my eyes and looked. No one was there. Later I asked my mom and she said it wasn’t her. I guess I was either hallucinating or I have a ghost.

    The next night I took another dose and was awakened to someone shooting a machine gun over my right shoulder. It seemed so real, I was screaming my head off. I drifted right back to sleep. Later that morning I woke up with my alarm clock wrapped up in my hand like a baseball. I glanced down at it…8:05 am. Um, I was supposed to be at work 5 minutes earlier. Crap!

    Then last night I had dreams I was on Dancing with the Stars and I won but Tom Bergeron said something that pissed me off and I smashed the mirror ball trophy over his head and walked out. I woke up again with my hand wrapped around the alarm clock, but this time it was only 7:15 am so I was able to make it to work on-time…barely.

    I am not sure what is in this cough syrup, but it is sure making my nights more interesting. Hopefully, it will have me sleepwalking through some great adventures that I will remember later and turn into a best-selling novel or at the very least a Lifetime movie. Drugs are awesome!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     


  4. Dermatology Drama Part II: Curse of the Hairy Mole

    December 5, 2012 by C.

    No boobie searching going on in this photo.

     

     

    Some of you may remember Dermatology Drama. Those who have no clue what the hell I am talking about please click these words to get caught up. 

    The mole removed from my back was sent off for testing. I received a phone call a week later basically saying it was a very good thing I came in when I did. So today was my 3 month follow-up, I assumed to check the giant scar on my back and give me some free wrinkle cream samples.

    No such luck.

    The nurse practitioner is someone I went to high school with so it is already pretty awkward. Imagine how I am feeling when she tells me she needs to look at me from head to toe…you know…without most of my clothing. This appointment had just taken a bad, bad turn.

    I don’t get naked…ever. Most days I shower in my underwear. I get so traumatized about going to my gynecologist appointments I have to take the entire day off from work. I have been told if I had had children it would be no big deal to get naked. I wouldn’t even have problems plopping my junk out someplace like the mall food court.

    So she is running her hands over all my moles, trying to discuss Black Friday shopping and I am sweating and wanting to cry. She takes one of my breasts and flops it back over my shoulder. That one is all good so she pulls it back down and flops back the other one. When her hand ran down my lower back towards my underwear (thank goodness I wore some that don’t have holes…oh don’t act like you don’t put on some nasty panties every once in a while) and pulled them out to take a peek at my buttocks, I made a deal with God that I would never ever go without sunscreen…even inside the house, as long as I live if he could just make her stop and not decide to do a cavity search for moles.

    Although she said she should probably see me (molest me) every 3 months, I don’t have to go back until June.

    Thank you, God for this favor. And don’t worry, I have my sunscreen on.