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Posts Tagged ‘funny’

  1. Aging Crazily

    October 3, 2016 by C.

     

    Hey, everybody!

    Hey, everybody!

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    As I get older, I’m becoming more aware that I’ll be a lunatic when I hit my sixties. How do I know this as fact? Well, my Mom and all my friend’s mothers are complete whack jobs in their sixties and my generation has eaten far more processed foods, been a million times more stressed, slept less, and done many more drugs, so in actuality we will probably be even crazier than they are in around twenty years.

     

    Now, this should make me a more sympathetic person to the aging mothers in my life, but quite the opposite. I strive to make them even more insane and bewildered. Let me give you a great example…

     

    I have a friend who made the HUGE mistake of dragging along her sixty-something mother on a vacation to the beach. On the first day, they decide to tour a fort that was on an island they were going to hang out on for the day. It was a gorgeous day and the fort was on the way to the other side of the island where they would lounge all day long on the beach, swimming and collecting seashells with the kids. Sounds marvelous, right? Well, old Mom took a tumble down the stairs in the fort tower and broke her femur (she tells everyone she broke her “FEMA” and they stare at her wondering why this woman needed FEMA assistance and how in the world she broke them). An emergency Coast Guard rescue from the island, surgery to place a rod in her leg, an extended vacation in a hospital room nowhere near the beach, not to mention a blown budget and you have a really craptastic vacation spent with good old Mom. Yay!

     

    After a grueling car trip home with doped up Mom and two kids who were wishing they had been born into another family, my friend made it home in one piece. Her main goal was to just get her mom home and things would be so much easier. Wrong! Mom’s a widow with no one to look out for her so my friend and her children took shifts watching over her because she was on a walker and had to have someone follow her around on it. Not to mention, help give her baths, fix her food, do her laundry and various other household tasks, shop for her groceries, get more pain meds from the pharmacy, take her to follow-up doctor appointments and take her to physical therapy three days a week. That hospital stay seemed like a spa week at this rate.

     

    Here’s where I come in…

    Being such a kind and generous human being, and hearing that her Mom was having horrible hallucinations on a certain pain medication, I ran right over to bring dinner for them all just so I could witness and perhaps help out with this hallucination problem (aka make her feel like she’s crazier than she really is or at least join in on the fun).

     

    It didn’t take long. She opened up her box of food I had brought in and started chowing. About halfway through, she froze, staring off across the living room floor.

    “Do you see that rat sitting over there in the corner?” she whispered.

    This was the chance I had been waiting for!

    “Yes, yes, I see it! Where do you keep your broom, Gertrude (I have changed her name to protect her innocence)?” I shouted.

    Both of the kids immediately left the room covering the giggling noises coming from their mouths.

    “In the kitchen…there’s a cabinet to the left of the refrigerator. Please hurry…it’s sitting over there smiling at me,” she responded.

    “Nothing worse than a cocky rat. I’ll beat that smile right off his face!” I replied.

    I ran off to the kitchen and grabbed the broom. I took confident strides back into the living room, ready to smash me an invisible rat (I would like to admit at this point, had it been a real rat, I would have left the premises upon first sight). I stood in the corner and beat her carpet with that broom until she screamed, “You got him! You killed that rat! Thank you so much!”

    This was the most fun I’d had in a long time. I was someone’s hero for doing absolutely nothing. As I returned to my chair, my friend rolled her eyes at me and mouthed, “STOP IT.”

    I stayed a little longer and Gertrude looks at me and says, “Can you turn on the Foxfire?”

    “Um, pardon?”

    “I don’t know what I did with that thingie. Can you turn on the Foxfire for me? And Bessie, (my friend’s name has also been changed to protect her innocence), could you please bring me some Ibupropaline?”

    I look over at my friend who was cracking up and she hands me the remote to an Amazon Firestick and says, “Yeah, turn on the “Foxfire” for her while I go get her some

    “Ibupropaline”. I flipped on the TV and followed my friend into the other room. I had to ask…

    “Why’d she change the names? Is it the pain medication causing this?”

    “Oh no, she calls them that when she’s completely sober. Just something she started doing a couple of years ago.”

    Good grief. I might as well start making payments on my padded room at the old folks’ home. I’ll make sure to pick a place that has plenty of Ibupropaline because as my Mom says to me, “Growing old is painful and you, my dear, are too much of a wimp.” 

     

     

     


  2. Acupuncture Anecdote

    August 20, 2015 by C.

    Razor scars

    Razor scars

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    If I think I can improve upon my life even just a bit, I am open and willing to try anything. That is what led me to acupuncture.

    Hearing it could help with things as simple as headaches and as complicated as depression and weight loss, I knew I had to give it a shot. After doing my research, I found a lady in town who has practiced for over twenty years and called to set up the appointment.

     

    “Look, I am fat, I have a really bad knee and plantar fasciitis. Can you fix me up?”

    “Ahhhh oh no. Only treat two tings at one time”.

    “Ok, well how much will it cost?”

    “Seventy dollar a treatment.”

    “Holy shit that’s expensive!”

    “You health important.”

    “Yeah, yeah I will be there.”

    Her office is a house on a busy street. I kept my head down as I walked the long sidewalk up to the front door. I could just feel the eyes from the passengers in the passing cars staring judgingly at me and thinking to themselves, “What an idiot! Everyone knows acupuncture doesn’t work and holy shit is it expensive!” I nervously pushed open the front door and went inside.

    It was a normal house on the inside with cheap laminate flooring and the same beige colored walls most houses seem to have these days. The only difference being the living room is now a waiting room with the typical ugly navy blue chairs and tables with stacks of outdated magazines to peruse while you wait. I barely got in the chair when an older Asian woman came around the corner pushing a clipboard full of paperwork for me to fill out and just nodded at me like, “Do it now!” She backed out of the room as fast as she came in. One of the pages was the ultimate list of what could be wrong with you. I checked off every single box I could think I have had no matter how long ago. Male pattern baldness? Check. Pretty sure my Mom told me I had that when I was two.

    She came back in to get me and discuss some of the items I checked on my list. I kept waiting for her to ask me about my baldness but it never came up. Instead she asked to see my tongue. I stuck out my tongue and she just shook her head. Of all things for me to be insecure about, I am now afraid for anyone to see my tongue because obviously it looks like something a sick and dying animal would have hanging out of their mouth. I got home that night and stared at my tongue for hours. It looked pretty normal to me, but what do I know? I am certainly not an Asian tongue expert.

    She escorted me to one of the rooms and told me to remove my shoes and socks and she would be back. I have hated needles since I was a kid. I was really dreading this and very nervous about having a ton of needles sticking out all over my body. She re-entered the room and announced she would be treating me for weight loss and my bad knee. She took a cotton swab with alcohol and rubbed down various parts of my body. Before I could scream “Kelly Clarkson”, I had a needle sticking out of my forehead.

    I had assumed the thrusts of the needles going in would be the worst part of all of this but I was mistaken. The worst part was when she grabbed each needle and wiggled it around inside of me and said, “You feel dis?”
    “HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! YES, I FEEL DIS!”

    After every single needle had been maneuvered to fish for various organs, she said, “Relax, I be back”.

    Relax?????????????????????????????????????

    I took a deep breath and tried. I actually dozed off for a few minutes. When I woke up my first thought was, I have to document this. So I shoved my hand down into the pocket of my shorts to grab my cell phone and, it was then I remembered, I had needles stuck in my hand. I released the phone and slowly brought my hand back out. A few of the needles had blood running out of them. I frantically searched the room for a tissue and found none. I carefully started wiping the blood with the underside of the t-shirt I was wearing. I just had a feeling if the woman walked in and I had to explain what had happened, she might shove a million more needles in my head after diagnosing me with mental illness.

    Just as I got cleaned up, she walked in with tiny stickers and started attaching them to my left ear. I asked what it was for and she explained it would help keep my appetite in control. When I got hungry, all I had to do was squeeze one of these little Band-Aids and, like magic, I wouldn’t want to eat. Well, that actually sounded pretty cool and I couldn’t wait to try it out.

    She quickly removed all the needles and told me it was over. Once I had gathered all my things, I headed to her office to settle up. I could not believe the first step I took on my bad knee. I was walking like a normal person again. It was a miracle. Because of how I felt, I made another appointment for the following week.

    Once in my car, I took a peek at the baby Band-Aids placed on the inside and outside of my ear. What in the world would people think? I know if I saw someone with this mess going on I would assume the person was having hormone issues and had to shave their hairy ears and the razor slipped a few times. I glanced at it again in the mirror. Oh hell. That is EXACTLY what it looks like.

    Sigh. Between my hairy ear scars and my diseased tongue, my self-confidence was at an all-time low. Next week, I would have to ask her if she has a needle to fix that.

     

     


  3. If Women Had Penises

    February 23, 2015 by C.

    Yes, please!

    Yes, please!

     

     

    My niece and nephew came to stay with me for a few days after Christmas. We had a blast like we always do. I delivered them back home safely and went back to my normal, boring life.

    A few days after they had left, I had a friend over. She had been drinking a ton of tea (told you I have a boring life… I don’t have any party animal friends) and she needed to use the restroom. A few minutes later she comes out of the guest bathroom and says, “I think your nephew might have missed the toilet because there is urine on the back of it, by the tank.”

    I rarely go into my guest bathroom. It is just that…a room for guests to do their business and the owner to just clean occasionally.

    “WHAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT?????????,”  was my response to her. 

    “Boys seem to have a hard time hitting the target, it’s pretty normal. I mean he is only five, Chanin.”

    “Well, that is just unacceptable. The least he could have done was told me and I would have cleaned it up, but now I am humiliated because I have urine all over my guest bathroom toilet and you saw it first.”

    “Men do this too. I’m surprised you haven’t had more issues with it.”

    Men do this on a regular basis????????????? How? Why??? I don’t understand how this happens on a regular basis and if grown men do this, why in the hell don’t they clean up after themselves??? Apparently, I have only had very neat and clean men in my home. 

    Here is what I know. If a woman had a penis, she would NEVER miss the toilet. Not only that, she would put her penis to work and not just in the porn industry.

    1. There would be no more need for Smokey the Bear because women would just wander around forests waiting to put out fires with their new and handy fire extinguisher.

    2. A woman would be able to create art with her new penis.

    3. A woman would become a world-renowned ice sculptor using her penis much more precisely than a cumbersome chainsaw (although this method would take much longer than a chainsaw).

    4.  A woman would tie a line to that thing and fish while swimming in a lake (because we are multi-tasking creatures).

    5. Invent a snap on case that with the push of a button turns into a light saber and use it to fight evildoers.

    6. We would be smart enough to know that our manhood isn’t measured by the width and length of it. This would make us supremely secure in ourselves and less likely to be assholes.

    7. Dress it in outfits and throw puppet shows at strip clubs.

    Really, the possibilities are endless.

    It would also be so satisfying to make the money men make just because they have one of those things and also standing while urinating seems like such a wonderful time saver.

    Sadly, God did not make us with one of those handy tools so we will have to continue sitting on toilets to urinate and making less money, but at least our sex is better organized, much more attractive and always right.


  4. The Looming Vacation

    July 7, 2014 by C.

    Slow down so I can chew on your ear!

    Slow down so I can chew on your ear!

     

     

     

    For whatever reason I got this crazy idea I should take my mother and my 11-year-old niece on a vacation this summer. We are going to road trip it up to South Dakota to see Mt. Rushmore and a few other attractions, then head over to Wyoming and then cut down to Colorado and spend a day in Estes Park, then head back home.

    We ordered a few tourism guides and one of the things I saw was “Bear Country USA” south of Rapid City, SD. They have a “Babyland” where you can see baby bears up close and I thought my niece would love that. You also drive through their 250 acre park where you come across all sorts of wildlife…yes, including bears.

    I made the mistake of mentioning it to my mother.

    “Are you nuts??? Those bears could eat us! Or at the very least tear up your car!”

    “Mom, we are in a car. If it gets too close, I just drive away. Pretty simple.”

    “Obviously you have no idea how fast bears can run. They are much quicker than you think.”

    “Can a bear run 40 miles per hour??? 60 miles per hour? Whatever it takes, I can outrun a damn bear in my car.”

    “Chanin, I would just really prefer we skip doing this. It is just too dangerous.”

    “We are doing this…I have already told Blakely about it. She is excited. If the bears get too close I will drive 60 miles per hour to get away from them. If a bear can keep up with us at 60, I am just gonna stop the car and roll down all the windows because that bear deserves a tasty treat.”

    She gave me a dirty look and left shaking her head.

    I can tell you right now, I am going to need to be heavily medicated for this trip.

     

    Check out Bear Country USA!


  5. Olympic Dreams Dashed

    February 10, 2014 by C.

    Kid, you are going to break your neck!!!

    Kid, you are going to break your neck!!!

     

     

     

    As a child, I feared doing somersaults. It looked simple, sure. I tried it a few times and didn’t find it all that much fun and felt a little loopy afterwards; though my biggest fear was breaking my neck.

    My worst nightmare materialized in 7th grade gym class. One would think that my days of somersaults were long over, but no. It was announced one day in class that the very next week we would do tumbling for two weeks. What????????????????

    My brain raced…I could not do this. How in the world can I get out of this?

    After class was over, I quietly approached Coach Shelley and asked if I could speak to her for a moment.

    “What’s up?” she asked.

    “Um, I won’t be able to participate in tumbling. Can I shoot baskets or something while everyone else tumbles?”

    “Why can’t you participate? I can’t have you shooting baskets…the mats are spread out all over the gym floor.”

    I couldn’t tell this poor woman that I was afraid I might break my neck, I’m pretty sure she already thought I was a fruitcake (it involves a shot put and my middle finger…a story for another day) and that wouldn’t help my case at all.

    “Coach Shelley, let me be honest and up front with you. I really don’t have a good reason to get out of tumbling, but please know, that with every ounce of my being, I do not wish to participate and I am willing to do anything to get out of it.”

    She studied my face for a moment. I think she could tell I meant what I was saying with all my heart.

    “Have your mom write me a note excusing you from tumbling. You will spend gym class in the library doing reports on topics I give you. Ok?”

    Are you kidding???? That was more than ok. Now, I just had to get my mom to write me the note…piece of cake.

    “Why don’t you want to tumble, Chanin?’

    “I just don’t, ok? Please just write the note,” I whined.

    Here is the note my mom wrote:

    Coach Shelley,

    Please excuse Chanin from PE while you are doing tumbling. She refuses to try tumbling and would prefer to spend her time in the library.

    While I do not agree with her choice, I will respect her decision.

    Please note the dreams of raising my daughter to be an Olympic gold medalist like the great Mary Lou Retton, have now been forever dashed, leaving me greatly disappointed and sad. I will now turn my Olympic hopes to her younger sister and pray she too doesn’t disappoint me.

    Sadly,

    Clarissa (Chanin’s Mom)

    “Mom, I am not giving this to Coach Shelley, this is embarrassing!”

    “Then I guess you will be doing flips all over the gym.”

    With my head hung low, I approached Coach Shelley with my note. She took it into her office while I waited outside. I heard her laughing and laughing. She came out and headed across the hall to the boy’s PE coach and let him read it. They were both cracking up.

    She came over to me and said, “Ok, you will spend the hour in the library doing reports. The reports will be two pages long and your first subject is Mary Lou Retton.”

    Of course!

     


  6. My Letter to Santa

    December 24, 2013 by C.

    Read it, fat man!

    Read it, fat man!

     

     

     

    Dear Santa,

    I would have to say I have been extraordinarily awesome this year. I know, I know…you’re not impressed with my Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf. I get it…really I do. But here is the thing, Santa. It makes people happy and they laugh. I think that is a positive thing no matter what grossness the Elf is up to. Think about it old man…you know I am right about this.

    Now, back to me. I have been super awesome this year and I have a few things on my list I want you to consider dropping off tonight. Here we go…

    1.Henry Cavill. Yea, the new Superman. Don’t worry, I promise not to do bad things to him. I just want him to walk around my house without a shirt on and say in his accent, “Chanin, what can I do for you?” Wouldn’t that be nice? Then I will make him paint my house and clean out the garage.

    Hubba Hubba

    Hubba Hubba

    2. I would like Justin Timberlake and Sara Bareilles to play my birthday party. They would call me up on stage to sing with them and Sara would be like, “Wow, you can sing…you are going out on the road with me” and Justin would just be like, “Damn, girl!” and wink at me constantly.

    3. I need to write a bestseller so I can sit at home in my pajamas coming up with more stupid shit to write and make more money. So put the best book idea you can come up with in my stocking please.

    4. I need a cottage on the beach to write in. I am sure it would inspire all sorts of crazy shit for me to write about and in the winter, I can let my friend, Cindy stay there so I don’t have to listen to her bitch about the winter weather for months on end.

    This will do...

    This will do…

    5. I want a crossbow so I can defend myself against the zombies when they come. What’s that? No zombies? Ha, you are getting senile, Santa. The zombies are coming. Get me this and I guess I will defend your ass too.

    Aim for the head!

    Aim for the head!

    6. Please get me this VHS to DVD converter. I need to convert some of my favorite porn tapes to dvd.  Um, I mean my set of Time Life “Little House on the Prairie” tapes.

    Sweet

    Sweet

    7. I have been asking for this for years now. It cannot be that difficult. Just pay a bunch of kids in a 3rd world country to whip this up for you. I bet five of them could have it done in an hour and it wouldn’t cost you much more than $1. Make it happen, fat bastard. I need this!

    Oh how I love this...

    Oh how I love this…

    8. I need these zombie slippers to keep my feet warm. Plus, they are damn cool.

    So awesome!

    So awesome!

     

    Well, I think that’s it. Not much, I know. See how nice I am?????

    Oh, one more thing…please make sure all my readers and Facebook followers have a kick-ass Christmas! They are the reason I get up and take my happy pills each and every day.

    Peace out!

    Chanin

     

     

     

     


  7. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 9, 2013 by C.

    I have finally come up with an elf schedule. Be here every Monday, Thursday and Saturday between now and Christmas for a new elf photo. Then starting December 21st, there will be a photo a day until Christmas. I really appreciate all the shares, likes, etc…this is so much fun to do for you all.

    He dribbled a little...says, Piss off, not Riss off!

    He dribbled a little…says, Piss off, not Riss off!


  8. Inappropriate Elf on the Shelf

    December 6, 2013 by C.

    Well, look what I came home to. Damn elf shit in my shoe!

     

    Gross!

    Gross!


  9. Poppy Seeds Can Kill

    October 29, 2013 by C.

    So funny

    So funny

     

     

    I am not sure if you all have played around with Bitstrips yet but I love it. It is my new favorite app, when it is working. They have been having some issues on Facebook lately due to high demand but if you have a smart phone the mobile app seems to be working ok.

    Bitstrips allows you to make a cartoon version of yourself and then put yourself in cartoons. If your friends are on you can add them to your cartoons. It is just really fun to play with. I highly recommend you get on there asap.

    So if you read my blog a few weeks ago about my friend that seems to have allergy issues if eating poppy seeds you would totally get this cartoon she made and sent me today. If you haven’t read it, read it here.

    I just love the look on my face like…”oh my bad, sorry you have turned purple and can’t breathe.” I seem to find it comical…like maybe she is faking it. Knowing her she is. Thanks for the laugh today, Cindy!


  10. The Itsy-Bitsy Spider Almost Reported Me to PETA

    August 23, 2013 by C.

    Not near as cute as this spider!

    Not near as cute as this spider!

     

     

     

    My back has been out all week and it has made me so crabby. After a long day of hobbling around the office and at home, I was so ready to crawl into my bed and relax. To help with that, I had taken a muscle relaxer. The effects of the pill were starting to kick in as I started unmaking my bed.

    I walked over to the chest where I keep a few small pillows I like to prop my face up with and grabbed the one on top. I dropped the pillow on the bedspread and started to walk out of the room when I saw something move from the pillow to my comforter. Moving the pillow aside, I see a small spider.

    Now, I am not a fan of bugs, especially when they are crawling around on the bed I am about to sleep on. The first thought that popped into my head was the little nasty thing crawling in my ear and having babies while I slept (I had no proof it was pregnant , but with the luck I have had the last two weeks, I am sure it was).

    The only thing near me to kill her with was the little pillow.

    Evidently, pillows are not a great tool for killing bugs. She would just curl up into a ball when I whacked her then pop back up and start running.  I was getting more and more frustrated with each whack and whipped around looking for a shoe or anything just to get the job done. Nothing.

    So I tried hitting her harder with the pillow and for extra effect screaming, “Die spider, die!” hoping that in some way it would help.

    Pretty sure I heard the spider reply, “Listen you dumb bitch, hit me with a shoe like a normal person and stop torturing me! If I survive this I am calling PETA straight away.”

    Getting very tired by this point, an idea came to mind. I used the pillow to scoot the spider to the edge of the bed and I sat on her. Then I wiggled my butt around to make sure she was squished. When your back is out the very last thing you want to do is move your pelvis around and of course I was afraid she was poisonous and would get one good bite into my butt before she died, but I did it anyways. So not only, was the comforter stained with spider gunk, so were my shorts. But hey, it worked.

    I ran to the bathroom to check for bite marks even though I didn’t feel anything back there. I was very relieved to see my rear was clear of fang holes. I couldn’t even imagine the poor doctor’s face when they wheeled me in with a spider bite for him to work on. One look at my big butt and he might decide on early retirement. Thankfully, all of that was avoided.

    I think I will call the exterminator this week. This was way too much excitement for this old lady.

     

     


  11. Pinterest Is Life Changing

    November 16, 2012 by C.

    I am constantly encouraging others to get on Pinterest because it is life changing. Instead of asking for more information I usually get nothing but eyes being rolled at me. Well, that is their loss. I am here to tell you it does change your life. You are inspired to start DIY projects, remodel your home and cook up crock pot recipes galore.

    The only way to prove how Pinterest has changed my life is to show you all what I have done since joining Pinterest.

    This was my home. Nothing fancy, but it was home sweet home. It obviously was in need of some work. Just about every time I set foot on the porch a board would break and my leg would fall through. The windows were drafty and I was heading out to Wal-Mart to purchase some tinfoil to cover them when someone told me about Pinterest.

    Love when rain hits that tin roof.

    Now, please keep in mind the changes did not happen overnight. I have been on Pinterest for over two years now and have worked on improving my home this whole time.

    I do good work.

    This is my new living room. I miss the tin roof but it is nice to no longer need a dozen buckets when it rains. Although, I did save lots of money on bath water.

    Let’s move on to the kitchen.

    I make lots of Bagel Bites in here.

    I really don’t spend too much time in here. I had a chef come in occasionally but that didn’t work out. He was always fixing weird shit instead of pizza and hot dogs.

    This is what he fixed for my first meal.That is like half of an appetizer if it was appetizing enough to eat. I think the green juice is what they give you to clean out your rear end pipes if you know what I mean.

    I am not a contestant on Survivor! Bring me some spaghetti!

    Speaking of rear pipes, let’s move on to the master bath.

    I needed a room whiter than my bare behind.

    Most of the rooms in my house are white. Mainly because I don’t trust my house keeper, Rosita. I have caught her lounging around quite a bit watching Telemundo and it is easy to see if she has been cleaning the white rooms instead of plopping down in my recliner neglecting her duties. It is hard to find good help.

    It’s time to move on to my favorite room in the house…my bedroom.

    Meet Ted and Sarah

    Oh, sorry. Those are my neighbors, Ted and Sarah. They pay me $200 one night a week to sleep in my bed and star-gaze. They are super weird if you couldn’t figure it out but hey, $800 a month pays for a bunch of Bagel Bites and Eggo Waffles. For an extra $100 I serve them donuts in bed and massage their feet.

    People ask me where I got all the money to hire help and build such a nice home. They don’t believe Pinterest gave me a bunch of money. The site may not have given me money but the inspiring quotes helped get me moving in the right direction.

    So true and inspiring.

     

    But the real way I made money was by making these…

    Tails up!

    Taxidermied squirrel decanters are apparently hot in Turkmenistan. Those folks must love to drink. Pinterest taught me everything from how to hunt the squirrels, to preparing the body and then turning them into decanters. I can hardly keep up with hunting all the squirrels needed to fill the orders.

    So, that is the story of how Pinterest has changed my life for the better. Hopefully, Pinterest can do the same for you.

    Now get on out there and start Pinning/Winning!