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Posts Tagged ‘Health’

  1. Dermatology Drama

    August 24, 2012 by C.



    Just knew my whole back had this mess going on.

    Several weeks ago I noticed a weird mole growing in the middle of my back. It was hard to see it up close but I knew that it hurt when water would hit it in the shower, so something wasn’t right.

    The local dermatologists are booked for six months out. There are only two of them in town and they share the same office. Recently, the doctor I go to has set up a nurse practitioner in the basement of the building so they can see more patients.

    I called on Monday and got in today. That is totally awesome.

    Doctor visits have always made me very nervous. I have had a few moles removed before so I knew what to expect but was still nervous.

    After speaking to the nurse, I sat and watched “Little House on the Prairie” until the lady came in. Was Nellie always so ugly??

    Immediately the nurse practitioner looked very familiar. I started having a panic attack. Who the hell is this woman and where had I seen her before? My imagination runs wild and I am certain I have a back full of giant moles with hairs long enough to braid coming out of them and this woman who I seem to know is going to be completely disgusted. When she asked me to pull my shirt up so she could look I nearly passed out. I just held my breath.

    She didn’t seem to recognize me or my hairy moles so I was just going to play dumb. She quickly got a tray set up to remove the mole and was very friendly. She chatted about how long she had worked there, that she did not want to become a doctor and how nice the weather was today.

    Then she turned and flipped her hair a certain way and I knew. We went to high school together. She was a cheerleader. I was a freak. Lovely.

    I couldn’t get out of that office fast enough. I don’t think she had any clue, but I didn’t want to hang around any longer so she could figure it out.

    This could have been much more embarrassing I suppose. I could have had a bad case of butt acne or a rash on my boobs. Now I know if that ever happens, I will have to see an out of network doctor in another city for sure.

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  2. Birthday Week From Hell

    August 11, 2012 by C.





    I turned 41 a week ago. It has been a crazy week but last night was the real kicker.

    My mom comes over with a package in her hand.

    “Ok, here is a belated birthday present I ordered for you. Sorry it is late, it just came today. Now, don’t get all offended,” she said.

    I slowly pull this granny workout dvd out of the brown paper shipping package. You must be shitting me.

    She must have seen the horrific expression on my face.

    “Listen, I know you cannot really exercise right now with your heel spur (long story short…it is sticking out, pressing on my Achilles and the only way to relieve the pain is to cut my Achilles and they saw off the spur…months of rehab…no thanks). Exercise is too painful for you right now but I don’t think this will cause you any pain,” she said.

    “Yea, the most pain I will have with this dvd is watching this 70-year-old grandma kick around her wrinkled varicose riddled legs only partially covered by her hideous hot pink leg warmers. Get me a knife. I will cut this damn bone spur out tonight,” I spewed.

    “You are so rude and ungrateful. I come over and bring you this gift trying to help you and you just complain about it. Now, you are going to do this whole work out every single day. No excuses!” she informs me.

    Wouldn’t it be funny if I couldn’t make it through the whole dvd and I passed out from exhaustion on the living room floor? Actually, that would be more sad than funny I suppose.

    Here is an actual quote from the back of the dvd:

    “Sit and Be Fit videos have brought the importance of exercise to the geriatric and less mobile population with significant benefit. I can strongly endorse these videos.” John A Fagan M.D. Geriatric Specialist 

    Between this lovely belated birthday gift and my injury at work this week, I am feeling like it might be time to put myself in an assisted living home or at the very least sign up for my AARP benefits.





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  3. Toilet Injuries Are Serious

    August 8, 2012 by C.

    Dismounts can be tricky.



    As if I needed anything to make me feel older and more rotten about myself…I injured myself yesterday getting off the toilet at work.

    I know, you are probably thinking I slipped in some leakage or something.

    I wish.

    Someone had taken my handicap stall and I was forced to use the petite ass/anorexic stall. So I am hunched over in the fetal position trying to relieve myself quickly and get the heck out of there. I was also keeping an eye out to identify the thief that had confiscated my stall (oh yes, I know who you are and you will be punished). The mean person left the bathroom and I went to stand up. A horrific pain shot up from the inside of my ankle up the back of my calf and resided behind my knee for the rest of the day and evening. I was limping. I was uncomfortable. I really should have gone home right away(so I could get a few things caught up on my DVR), but I am such a trooper I suffered silently at my desk. Well, mainly my silence was caused by pure embarrassment.

    “Why are you walking around like that, Chanin?” someone would ask (probably the toilet stealer).

    “Uh, I umm…oh, I am wearing new shoes and they have caused a giant bone spur to grow today on the bottom of this foot,” I would reply all red in the face.

    Best just to keep quiet about this incident until time to blog about it.

    The pain was worse sitting down at my desk. It was a horrible numbness right behind my knee. So numb it was almost unbearably uncomfortable and painful, if that makes any sense at all.

    At home that evening, I popped a handful of Advil, got into my hyperbaric chamber and elevated my leg above my heart. I woke up this morning feeling dandy. No pain at all. So glad I bought that chamber at Terrell Owen’s garage sale last month.

    I still don’t know what I did to myself, but I am just relieved it has stopped hurting. I will chalk it up to getting a year older and those damn new shoes.

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  4. Lipitor Love

    July 17, 2012 by C.

    Apparently very bad stuff.



    I am always looking to save a buck, especially on medications. Last week I got a nifty card in the mail that would allow me to fill my Lipitor prescription for just $4 a month. At the time I was paying $30. At my Doctor visit I asked him to write me a new script and I would go make an attempt to get this discount.

    So this evening I pull up at the drive-thru of a pharmacy only to be told I cannot get it for $4 because of my insurance, but they have recently knocked it down to $10 a month for my co-pay. Yipppeee!

    All of a sudden a booming voice comes on the intercom and says to me…

    “Miss, are you aware that you cannot even consider getting pregnant while taking this drug?”

    “Right, well sir, that isn’t a problem. Thanks for checking though,” I replied.

    “This is very serious ma’am (oh you did not just call me ma’am!). Your child could have birth defects if you’re impregnated while taking this drug,” he responded.

    I glance over at the car next to me praying they have not heard all of this. They must have been 100 and they did not approve of any of the conversation that was going down. You would have thought they heard me asking for a case of The Morning After Pill.

    Why couldn’t the guy just drop it? I mean my Doctor put me on it and we had this discussion already. Just fill the bottle up with some pills already…geez.

    “Let me put it to you this way…I have a better chance of being attacked by Zombies during the Apocalypse, than I have of getting impregnated any time soon. So please just fill the bottle up and shoot it out to me,” I replied.

    “Zombies are nothing to joke about. Have you not seen the news lately? The Apocalypse is coming and soon,” he said.

    Ladies and gentlemen, this just might be the man of my dreams. He has access to lots of pills and believes the Zombies are coming. What more can a girl ask for?

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