I lost my Mom to cancer on October, 14th, 2017 and nothing has been the same since. This is not something I expected to go through this soon. My mother had just turned sixty-eight years old. She never had any real health issues for us to worry about. Before all of this hit, she was my neighbor, living next door to me in the duplex she owned and very rarely asked me for assistance with anything. But in July, she left her home via ambulance and little did we know at the time, was never to return home.
It’s hard to understand why at times it just doesn’t seem real. This couldn’t have happened. And then something will make it real to me…images of her taking her last breath will pop in my head while driving to work, or going through the medical bills that are still coming in, or when flipping through my phone and seeing photos of her and then realizing why it hurts to look at them now.
In a perfect world, I would just stay home and hide. Never leave the house. Put myself in a protective bubble and not allow others to breach it. The least of irritations set me off, angering me to a level I’ve never experienced. It can be something so simple, like my cell phone ringing. My biggest wish is just to be left alone. To not have to talk. Interacting with people is just so draining right now. I’m not sleeping well and I’m sure that has a bunch to do with all of this. Perhaps, a week of nothing but sleep would cure me, if I could actually go to sleep.
The worst part of all of this is all the second guessing. I’m one of those strange people who would like to live/survive/thrive during something like a zombie apocalypse. I won’t quit until I have nothing left to give and I think I just expect that others are the same way. So of course, I wanted her to do chemo. She said she wanted to try the chemo and so we did. And I just can’t help but wonder was that the right decision. Did that expedite her death? She certainly wasn’t the same after trying it and we decided to stop. But maybe once was too much.
The holidays are right around the corner and I just can’t deal with it right now. I don’t wish to participate. Rain check, please? But I will try. I will go through the motions, like I do every single day. I know it will be ok, I know it will get easier and that life goes on…blah, blah, blah. It will be ok but it will never be the same.