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Posts Tagged ‘neighbors’

  1. Like a Good Neighbor, Stay Over There

    June 5, 2014 by C.

    LURCH

    LURCH looks like Boo Radley!

     

     

    A very nice older couple lived across the street from us. When I say “nice” I mean they left us the hell alone, only waving occasionally.

    They moved away and in moves Lurch and his mom. If I were to guess, I would say Lurch is in his mid-forties and to put it mildly, there is something wrong with him.

    Now, before I get a million e-mails calling me an asshole for making fun of the mentally challenged, please let me say if he had just stayed on his side of the street and left us alone, I would have had no clue there was something wrong with him. So, this is really all his fault. And as far as I can tell, it’s not something he was born with…I am thinking it’s more along the lines of taking a bath while making toast.

    My mother is actually to blame for this. She is the one who went over to introduce herself and offer them access to our storm shelter in case of tornadoes. He stalks her the most and I think that is fitting since she got it started. I can tell you right now, I think I would prefer to attempt to outrun the tornado than to be locked in a small confined space with this weirdo.

    We receive Valentine’s gifts, Easter gifts, cupcakes and various other expressions of his affection. Neither of them work so they just sit in their living room and watch what we do day and night. An example:

    Lurch to Mom: Hello, there.  I just came to checks on ya. Saw your daughter hauling you around everywhere dis week. Hope you are ok.

    Mom: Um, yes I am fine. She was on vacation and took me to dinner. Once.

    The time he brought over the Valentine’s gifts he snuck up behind me in the garage. Scared the living shit out of me. No more of that. I have started shutting the garage door the minute I pull in. Believe it or not, it is worth the risk of carbon monoxide poisoning.

    His latest trick is pulling up my mom’s trash cart after the trash has been collected. Apparently, shutting the garage door has pissed him off because he leaves mine at the curb. What. a. bastard.

    My mom is finally starting to get a little nervous about the situation as every time she speaks with him he comments on what cars were at our house and when. We have both closed our blinds and stay trapped in our homes ever since hearing some of his comments.

    He has her so creeped out now that she comes over without my knowledge every evening to lock the door in my garage that goes into the house. I had to tease her about it and of course she feels he is going to pop open my  garage door and come on in.

    I can imagine his response as he is standing over my bed in the middle of the night.

    “Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww where is the mom??????????????”

     


  2. Letter From My Neighbor

    May 3, 2013 by C.

    Won't you not be my neighbor???

    Won’t you not be my neighbor???

     

     

     

     

     

     

     

    In my mailbox yesterday was this letter from one of my neighbors. I think it might be high time I move. What do you think??

     

     

    Greetings Neighbors!

    As some of you may have heard, Matthew is getting released from prison next week. I know what you are thinking, “Halleluiah! It’s about time!” Well, I am right there with you.

    I am sure a few of you have noticed Ralph’s car has not been in the driveway lately. He just could not deal with the fact my son raped his daughter, Mona and has left me. Matthew had told me on several occasions that his step-sister was just asking for it with the way she dressed in those snazzy cardigans and shiny penny loafers but never did I imagine he meant he would be the one giving her the business. I tried to tell Ralph she was asking for it with the way she dressed. He looked at me and actually said, “You are just as fu%$!@ up as he is.” And so now I am single and ready to mingle, ya’ll!

    Matthew would have been released from prison after two years with good behavior but he was attacked by an inmate one night who was in search of some “backdoor party action” if you know what I mean. Matthew nearly choked the man to death and there goes his early release. It has been a long wait and I am ready to get him home.

    Once he arrives he will need to find employment as soon as possible. He will be staying with me until he can get enough money saved up to rent an apartment and afford to be out on his own. It is very difficult for ex-cons (I just hate the way that sounds…not like he killed someone or was involved in an armed robbery) to find employment after getting out of prison, so I am turning to you, neighbor. Can you help out? He is willing to do any odd job you can come up with around your home…lawn care, car maintenance and handy man type projects. From what I understand he has learned all sorts of new skills in prison and is just so excited to try them out in the real world.

    If interested, first of all God Bless you…call me or email me and I will work you into his schedule. If not interested at this time, don’t worry Matthew will be visiting everyone in the neighborhood to offer his services. He has a way of persuading people once he is around them.  😉

     

    Sincerely,

    Beverly W******

    Phone: 417- xxx-xxxx

    Email: XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX


  3. Mysterious Neighbor

    March 14, 2013 by C.

    Sweet ride

    Sweet ride

     

     

    I have a neighbor that I rarely see. He has lived next door for six months now. Once a month for a couple of days I see his convertible BMW parked in the driveway and then he is gone again. Usually a few hours after he arrives an older Nissan Sentra pulls up in front of his house and a hot blonde gets out and goes in.

    Took a pic on my way out the door after getting kicked out

    Took a pic on my way out the door after getting kicked out

     

     

     

     

    This is her. I followed her to her Yoga class one day. I snapped the photo as they were kicking me out the door. Apparently, yoga folks frown upon gas issues some people may have when attempting to do an Upward Facing Dog pose. Go figure.

    Mystery man

    Mystery man

     

    Meet Jeremy Renner. My mysterious neighbor looks just like him. Seriously. The one time I was able to get a peek at this guy, he was sitting out on the front steps in his pjs one Sunday morning playing with his cell phone. I so wanted to walk up and interrogate him.

    “Do you work for the CIA? Are you Jeremy Renner’s twin brother? Maybe you are a terrorist. Do you watch Homeland? I love that damn show. Do you know Claire Danes? Is she bi-polar in real life? For the love of God, please put me in handcuffs!”

    I thought twice about this and went on in the house without even acknowledging his presence (I bet that drove him nuts).

    He was home this past weekend. Same drill. Blonde bimbo shows up. They rarely leave the house. I tried peeping in the windows but never saw them. In 6 months the man has never even taken his trash to the curb. Does he not have trash? How is this possible? I want to get in his house so badly and snoop around. Would that really be illegal if I suspect he is up to no good? I would call that community service.

    It will be another month before he is in town again. I am going to do my best to find out more info on mystery man. Please be saving up your money…I might need one of you to bail me out of jail soon.


  4. Avoid Thy Neighbor

    June 13, 2012 by C.

     
    Unless you are giving me a check from Publishers Clearing House

     

     

     

     

    It seems most people enjoy having neighbors. I know of  people who stay in touch with neighbors even after they have moved out-of-state. This just puzzles me. I go out of my way to avoid my neighbors. The less they know about me the better.

     

    I have lived in this neighborhood for five years now and the only neighbor that I know at least by first name is the paramedic across the street. The only reason I know her name is because her dog Zoe loves to come and hump me when she sees me in the front yard. You don’t have much choice but to act neighborly when someone is trying to remove their animal from your leg. Besides, I might need her assistance one of these days after a wild moment with my Thigh Master. Suzanne Somers really should have put warning labels on those things.

     

    Some neighbors give you no choice but to get to know them. Even if it isn’t face to face.

    I opened my garage door and was heading to move the trash bin down to the curb. I hear a man talking and he was speaking so loudly, I had no choice but to hear what was going on.

    Bald Drew Carey neighbor: “You did too send me photos of your tits! Don’t deny it!”

    *Ok, I might have paused at this point and just stood to listen to the man sitting in a lawn chair on his driveway having this conversation with the mystery tramp*

    Then I realized bald Drew had this woman on speaker phone.

    Sextress: “Oh my God! I never sent you pictures of my tits. Prove it!”

    Baldy: *now smoking a cig*  “Well, of course I deleted the pictures off my phone. What if I died or something and my wife found those pictures?”

    Now when I drive by his house and see him standing in the driveway chatting on his cell phone, I contemplate for a moment losing control of my car and running him over. But I soon come to my senses and remember that prisons don’t allow Papa John’s deliveries or the use of memory foam mattresses. That is not the life for me.

    I just pray I am never involved in any sort of incident that involves the police interviewing my neighbors.

    Neighbor #1: “You mean someone actually lived there? I thought the house had been abandoned.”

    Neighbor #2: “No, I didn’t know her name. But have you talked to Keegan?”

    “Who is Keegan?” the policeman will ask.

    “Oh the dude that delivers Papa Johns to her house…I bet he will know her name.”

    Neighbor #3: “No, I never met her but she ordered the hell out of Schwan’s ice cream and the UPS dude dropped packages on her porch almost daily. I think she might have had a porn addiction.”

    Hmmmm…maybe it might be time to get to know my neighbors just a little bit. If for no other reason than to not have my poor family shocked by my alleged porn addiction.

     

     

     

     

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