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Posts Tagged ‘Shopping’

  1. Tide Is High

    May 11, 2015 by C.

    Laundry sucks.

    Laundry sucks.

     

    Shopping at Wal-mart is the biggest nightmare in the world for me. I will sometimes go to a smaller grocery store and pay higher prices just to avoid the hell on earth that is Wal-Mart. I have tried going there during off hours in order to avoid the lunatics, but then I just spend all my time trying to maneuver around the giant stacks of boxes they have parked right in front of something I really need. The later you go, the more of those re-stocking carts they have out, so that doesn’t even really pay.

    Needless to say, when I enter a Wal-Mart, it is a race. How fast can I get everything on my list and get out? Sometimes mistakes are made because I go too fast trying to escape. One such mistake was made two months ago, but was just discovered yesterday.

    When picking out laundry detergent, I usually go by price and then smell. I like my laundry to smell like it has been vacationing on the beaches of Aruba, but on a Branson Baldknobbers budget. In other words, I don’t spring for Tide.

    So one night, while racing through Wal-Mart I found a really great deal on some Downey detergent and bought a very large jug. I live alone so I really don’t have too much laundry to do so this jug has lasted me for right around two months. I was in love with this detergent. My clothes have never smelled better and they were so soft. I had decided this would be the detergent I would use for life.

    In the past few weeks, my mother has decided that due to my pneumonia, I have no business doing my own laundry. It doesn’t matter how much I protest, she throws a fit and says she is doing it and really, when she is like that it is just easier to let her do what she wants (plus I HATE doing laundry). Some nights I come home from work and not only is my laundry done but my dinner is waiting for me. Now, I totally understand why men are so into having a wife. I just flop in my recliner, feed my face, belch and watch HGTV (I am totally addicted to that Fixer Upper show).

    The way the laundry service works is she comes over and washes my clothes in my washer with my detergent and then hauls them next door to her house to dry them because she says, “Your dryer sucks!”. Whatever.

    So it was just this week that my Mom realized another one of my speed shopping mistakes.

    “Chanin, you told me which bottle to use on your washer to wash your clothes and that is what I have been using.”

    “Good deal, it smells sooooooooooooo good and my clothes are soooooooooooooo soft! Thanks!”

    “Well, today I discovered why your clothes smell so good and are so soft.”

    “What are you talking about?”

    “You and I have been “washing” your clothes in Downey fabric softener. I think it might be time for you to slow down and actually start reading the labels on things when shopping.”

    “Wait, are you sure????????????????”

    I got up and quickly ran for the laundry room.

    Shit.

    I have been walking around for two months in dirty clothes except for the very few clothes I take to my dry cleaners. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am a disgusting idiot!

    Moral of this story…It is worth paying the extra money at expensive grocery stores in order to avoid shopping at Wal-Mart so that you don’t walk around for months in dirty underwear. 


  2. Black Friday: A Family Tradition

    November 25, 2012 by C.

    I am wearing this outfit next year.

     

     

    Sorry I have been away for a few days. My favorite holiday of the year was approaching and I had to get prepared. No, not Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday is Black Friday.

    It is a day my sister and I look forward to every year for different reasons. My sister loves it because she can get lots of gifts for her kids at bargain prices. I look forward to it so I can unleash my alter-ego,  “Rammin Chanin”.

    I become a whole different person on Black Friday. If I have to trip someone who is racing for the same set of towels that I am, then so be it. All is fair in love and retail.

    This year was even more insane than usual simply because the stores decided to open on Thanksgiving evening. Usually it is just a few thousand nut cases that would get out at 4 am for some cheap bathmats, but with the extended hours the normal people were out mucking it all up for us pros.

    Our first stop is always Wal-Mart. My sister wanted some 700 thread-count sheets they had on sale for $19.99. We agreed I would stay and fight for sheets and she would go try to get the Mickey Mouse bike for my nephew. When the associate screamed “GO” at the top of his lungs, it quickly got out of hand. The woman between me and the sheets had 6 sets stacked up over her head and she would not move. I lucked out when the woman next to her started passing the sheet sets back to someone behind me. So when I heard her yell, “King” I reached up and grabbed them. She looked pretty shocked and screamed, “we need those.” To which I replied, “then get me a set of king sheets and I will let go.” She nodded and asked what color I wanted.

    “I don’t give a shit, just get me some king sheets!” I yelled back at her. No time to be choosy. My toes had been stomped on and I was growing weak from the kidney punches I was taking from the lunatic 70-year-old woman behind me.

    I ran off with my sheets to find my sister. She was hiding in an aisle with a stack of boxes that would not normally be able to be carried by one human being but on Black Friday you gain superhero strength. We go over our list again and I go back out for a lap around the store to see what else I can get. I overheard a woman offer a man $20 for his cart. He took the money and ran. Others were stuffing their items in garbage cans and laundry baskets. I quickly gathered a few more items on our list and was trying to make my way back to my sister when a woman abandoned a cart right in front of me. God helps me quite a bit on Black Fridays. He knows this is my calling.

    I run over a few hundred toes on my way back to my sister. We piled all our goodies in the cart and she went out to take her turn. We were looking for the $5 cds but could just not find them anywhere. My sister actually hunted down the store manager. He had no idea where they were but told her to get the ones she wanted from electronics and tell the checker to override the price if they rang up as $12. Is she good or what?

    She had just returned to our cart when I see a woman eyeballing those sheets sitting on top of our haul. I gave her the evil eye and yelled, “Oh, don’t even think about it, lady!” She quickly moved on.

    After Wal-Mart we went home to unload and to sleep for a little while (4 hours). Then back up and standing in line at Radio Shack at 5:30 am. We then made stops at Best Buy, Home Depot, two other Wal-Mart locations and Ace Hardware plus various other stores online once we got home that day.

    For all of this time spent shopping here is what I came home with:

    1 37 inch soundbar

    2 movies

    1 cd

    1 video game

    1 pair of house shoes

    3 plastic storage bins

    Total spent $74.

    Did I need any of these things? Gosh, no. But did I have fun competing for these items and the ones I helped my sister get? Absolutely.

    I am already preparing for next year. Just ordered myself a pair of steel-toe boots on Ebay. Game on Wal-mart shoppers!

     


  3. Candy For Sale…Bad Candy That Is

    July 26, 2012 by C.

    Hide her in your ex-husband’s house.

    I would like to introduce you to “Candy”. She is for sale on eBay for a bargain $24.95 plus $10.95 shipping and handling.

    Candy was discovered last week as I was searching for something unique to prank my buddy, Jimmy. This totally would have worked, but I started feeling bad and decided to send him tampon samples instead.

    I wanted to share the entire post with you all, but it is just too long. I think the small part I am going to share will give you the gist of just how nutty the person is that is selling this doll.

    UP FOR AUCTION IS A HAUNTED ANTIQUE BABY DOLL THAT HAS THE SPIRIT OF A 7 YEAR OLD MIDDLE CHILD WITH AUTISM BY THE NAME OF CANDY. CANDY WAS ALWAYS NEGLECTED BY HER PARENTS BECAUSE THEY FELT ASHAMED OF HER BECAUSE SHE HAD SEVERE AUTISM. CANDY ALWAYS FELT NEGLECTED BECAUSE SHE NOTICED SHE WASNT TREATED LIKE HER YOUNGER BROTHER & OLDER SISTER. SHE ALWAYS FELT LEFT OUT & SHE WAS ALWAYS SAD AND DEPRESSED.

    THIS BABY DOLL IS VERY ACTIVE & UNIQUE, SHE HATES TO BE NEGLECTED. SHE REQUIRES ALOT OF LOVE AND ATTENTION AND WHEN SHE FEELS SHE IS NOT GETTING IT, SHE WILL NOT LET YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT. SHE WILL FLICKER THE LIGHTS MAKE BANGING NOISES AT NIGHT TO KEEP YOU AWAKE AND THE SPIRIT OF THE DOLL WILL CLIMB INTO YOUR BED AT NIGHT. THERE WILL BE TIMES WHEN YOU FEEL THE MATTRESS MOVE LIKE IF THERE IS SOMEONE WALKING ON TOP OF THE MATTRESS. THERE WILL BE OTHER TIMES WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS & THERE WILL BE OTHER TIMES WHEN YOU WILL CONSTANTLY WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BECAUSE YOU WILL HEAR SOMEONE WISPERING IN YOUR EAR.

    Wow. I am the biggest scaredy-cat in the world and if this thing crawled in bed with me at night all on its own, I am certain I would have a heart attack. Give her a knife and she is the female version of “Chucky” except with a few more personal issues.

    When I was younger we had a ghost in our house. I never saw her, but my mom did. I did however see plenty of the little pranks she liked to play. Turning the TV on and off, changing the channel on the TV, opening every single cabinet and drawer in our kitchen and tapping on the walls. Needless to say, I moved out and left my mom and little sister to fend for themselves. I am no dummy.

    So, if you are interested in purchasing Candy, head on over to eBay. She would make the perfect gift for an ex-husband or  a mean boss. Even though I would be scared to death to have her, I am a little curious. If you buy her let me know how it goes and if you ever need to get rid of her, we can always call in Chucky to take her off your hands.

    Ohhhhhhhhh I love Candy!

     

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  4. Avoid Thy Neighbor

    June 13, 2012 by C.

     
    Unless you are giving me a check from Publishers Clearing House

     

     

     

     

    It seems most people enjoy having neighbors. I know of  people who stay in touch with neighbors even after they have moved out-of-state. This just puzzles me. I go out of my way to avoid my neighbors. The less they know about me the better.

     

    I have lived in this neighborhood for five years now and the only neighbor that I know at least by first name is the paramedic across the street. The only reason I know her name is because her dog Zoe loves to come and hump me when she sees me in the front yard. You don’t have much choice but to act neighborly when someone is trying to remove their animal from your leg. Besides, I might need her assistance one of these days after a wild moment with my Thigh Master. Suzanne Somers really should have put warning labels on those things.

     

    Some neighbors give you no choice but to get to know them. Even if it isn’t face to face.

    I opened my garage door and was heading to move the trash bin down to the curb. I hear a man talking and he was speaking so loudly, I had no choice but to hear what was going on.

    Bald Drew Carey neighbor: “You did too send me photos of your tits! Don’t deny it!”

    *Ok, I might have paused at this point and just stood to listen to the man sitting in a lawn chair on his driveway having this conversation with the mystery tramp*

    Then I realized bald Drew had this woman on speaker phone.

    Sextress: “Oh my God! I never sent you pictures of my tits. Prove it!”

    Baldy: *now smoking a cig*  “Well, of course I deleted the pictures off my phone. What if I died or something and my wife found those pictures?”

    Now when I drive by his house and see him standing in the driveway chatting on his cell phone, I contemplate for a moment losing control of my car and running him over. But I soon come to my senses and remember that prisons don’t allow Papa John’s deliveries or the use of memory foam mattresses. That is not the life for me.

    I just pray I am never involved in any sort of incident that involves the police interviewing my neighbors.

    Neighbor #1: “You mean someone actually lived there? I thought the house had been abandoned.”

    Neighbor #2: “No, I didn’t know her name. But have you talked to Keegan?”

    “Who is Keegan?” the policeman will ask.

    “Oh the dude that delivers Papa Johns to her house…I bet he will know her name.”

    Neighbor #3: “No, I never met her but she ordered the hell out of Schwan’s ice cream and the UPS dude dropped packages on her porch almost daily. I think she might have had a porn addiction.”

    Hmmmm…maybe it might be time to get to know my neighbors just a little bit. If for no other reason than to not have my poor family shocked by my alleged porn addiction.

     

     

     

     

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