Last week, I read about Jennifer Mulford, a woman from Georgia, who quit her job so she could stay home and breastfeed her boyfriend. Since Jennifer has not given birth recently, they are basically doing dry feedings every two hours in hopes that her milk will come in eventually.
People reacted as expected. “What the f*%& is wrong with these people” was the general consensus. Rumors swirled that her body-builder boyfriend also liked to act like a baby while he participated in this activity. He quickly came forward to deny those allegations and to say that breast milk is excellent to use for building muscle.
Jennifer shared during a radio interview that these feedings led to sex, “6 out of every 7 times”. Obviously, this is why I never get any action. I think I’ll head to Target tomorrow, pick up a nursing bra along with a random man from the parking lot.
No, really I think this is pretty crazy. I needed a second opinion before heading out to Target. It just so happened I had an appointment with my shrink this week.
Me: “Have you heard about the couple who are into breastfeeding? She’s quit her job just to let him do his thing every two hours. That’s crazy, right???
Shrink: “Are you asking me in terms of is it crazy she has quit her job to do this or do I think this is some highly unusual sexual fetish?”
Me: “Well, both.”
Shrink: “There are far worse sexual fetishes out there. Actually, I would say this one is pretty mild in comparison. Her quitting her job, while not rational, does not make her crazy.”
Me: “How can you not say this woman is a total whack job????”
Shrink: “Chanin, we have talked about the use of that term in this office. We prefer to call them patients.”
Me: “Ok, whatever. How about you tell me a fetish that you have seen and treated that is worse than this one?”
Shrink: “I really shouldn’t divulge that kind of information.”
Me: “Oh, stop being so professional. Spill it. You don’t have to mention any names…just the crazy crap they’re into.”
Shrink: “No names. Ok, so I have treated someone with objectophilia.”
Me: “Ha! That sounds pretty tame to me.”
Shrink: “Do you know what it is?”
Me: “Um, someone who objects to EVERYTHING all the time.”
Shrink: “Not even close. This particular individual became aroused by and engaged in sexual activities with paper. Now, that is a more unusual fetish.”
Me: “I’m feeling a little ill. Is it ok if I lie down on your couch?”
Shrink: *laughing* “Of course. Another time I treated someone who had auto-haemofetishism.”
Me: “What in the hell is that?”
Shrink: “Being sexually aroused by blood. Your own.”
Me: “Ok, look. I think we should cut this session short. Can you give me some money back or something for freaking me the hell out today?”
Shrink: “Sorry, per our patient agreement, there are no refunds. Plus, I need the money to pay my therapist to help me deal with patients like you.”
Me: “You’re so funny. If this career doesn’t work out for you, I suggest stand-up comedian. Thanks for making me ill. See you next week!”
After thinking about heading to Target, I realized that just the thought of a man latching onto my bossom every two hours made me cringe. Obviously, this was not the way for me. But I might head to Office Depot and pick up a case of printer paper.