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Posts Tagged ‘Television’

  1. Never Leaving Home Again

    June 7, 2013 by C.

    Love it!

    Love it!

     

     

     

     

     

    I never want to leave my house again. Ever.

    Typically, I have always been a home body but it has gotten much worse lately with a few new additions to my home. Family and friends tend to think I am a tightwad because I buy things used or at Black Friday sales, but I really am not tight at all. I just like trying to get better deals on things so I have more money to spread around on other things I want.

    Until a few months ago, all the furniture in my house was used. Most of it was bought at auctions, garage sales or on Craigslist. The last time I had a new set of living room furniture was when I was a 20-year-old buying my first house. I used that set until it completely wore out and replaced it with 2 non-matching loveseats bought at an auction. One day it just hit me. I am 41-years-old, I will never have children and it is highly unlikely I will ever get married. I am on my own and mostly just have myself to depend on. It was time to get my crap together and act like an adult instead of a poor college student.

    After a few months of purchases and some work, I have a home I am now proud of and extremely happy in. Who knew what a difference some furniture could make? All brand new by the way.

    But there is one purchase made in the past few weeks that has really done me in. I bought a Smart 3D television. I have turned my dining room into a den and this new TV is in there. Honestly, I had never seen a 3D TV in action before but have been to plenty of 3D movies. I knew it was cool but really wasn’t sure what to expect from a TV. Every TV I buy from now on will be smart and have 3D. This is the best thing ever. I hate NASCAR but I watched a special that was in 3D with a buddy and we were screaming at the top of our lungs when a tire went flying off a car and shot straight for our heads.  It was simply, spectacular.

    So between being able to push a button and watch all the Netflix and Amazon content I want on a big screen, pulling up HBO on Demand and the 3D programming, I am never leaving again other than going to work. If you want me to attend a function…party, concert or family holiday, I will have to be paid. Celebrities charge people to show up at clubs and restaurants all the time and so shall I. So if you need me somewhere, text me what you will pay and I will get with my agent, Mr. Vizio. But don’t get your hopes up.

     


  2. Ketchup and Honey Boo Boo

    September 28, 2012 by C.

    Watch out Honey Boo Boo!

     

     

     

    This week I checked the email account for this blog and found I was sent a request a week earlier to speak to a casting agent from TLC. She had read my blog post about my ketchup addiction and would like to speak to me about the possibility of appearing on a show about weird food addictions.

    My first thought was it was some sort of joke. So I did a little research on the company she said she was with and sure enough…it is a casting agency that does most of the shows on TLC.

    I emailed her back and told her I felt certain that I was not addicted enough to qualify to be on “My Strange Addiction” but to feel free to call me and discuss.

    At first I just laughed about this. Pretty comical. I write every single day of the week after working a full-time job and instead of my writing being noticed, I get an email about being on a show for freaks. So now, I am a bit depressed about it. I have decided there is no way I will do the show if they offer it to me, unless of course they are willing to pay me a substantial amount of money. That is highly doubtful though, as Honey Boo Boo only gets $4000 per episode. I need at least $10,000 to make an ass of myself on television.

    The positive that has come from this is it made me realize that anyone could be reading what I write…an editor at a magazine or publishing company, comedy websites or even someone from Saturday Night Live looking for a new writer. It was a nice reminder that more people read this than just my Mom. So I have hope again.

    I will update everyone again if I get a call back any time soon. I could be the next Honey Boo Boo y’all!


  3. My Obsession With Dr. Oz

    August 17, 2012 by C.

    I very rarely watched Oprah. Most that know me know that I am not a huge fan of the almighty Oprah. That being said, I am a little late to catch on to the wonderfulness of Dr. Oz.

    Every episode is recorded and saved until I have a chance to watch. While watching it, I have a special Dr. Oz notebook kept on my side table to write down all of his amazing tips. I thought I would share a few of my notes with you.

    Raspberry Ketone. Do nothing, burn fat. Thank you God and Dr Oz!!!

    Turn around and examine your poop. Tells you about your internal health. Should be smooth and S-shaped. Uh oh. 

    People that are more social and have a close network of friends live longer. I am so screwed. 

    Take power naps. No longer than 30 minutes! Going to try this at work soon.  

    Eat a good breakfast. Snickers Ice Cream bars don’t count as a good breakfast.

    Take lots of supplements. Multivitamins,  calcium, magnesium, DHA, B12, Ginkgo Biloba and aspirin, just to name a few.  Basically, go to your local health food store and hand over your MasterCard once a month. Being Oz-like isn’t cheap, folks. 

    Have one glass of alcohol with dinner. Finally a tip I really really like.

    Yoga is a good exercise as you get older. *I would have been good at yoga when I was like 6. Now, not so much. I attempted the pose below and spent three days in the hospital. 

    Do not try this anywhere ever!

     

    My most favorite Dr. Oz tip involves a golf ball. *See photo illustration below* If you are having issues producing regular bowel movements, grab a golf ball and roll it around in your hands. Needs to be toward the bottom of your hands and you don’t have to roll it around for six hours or anything. Just roll it around a few times while watching TV or if you just need something to keep your hands busy so you don’t choke your kids.

    I don’t know how this works, but it does. Golf ball magic. You will go poopy in no time. I expect to get many thank you cards and e-mails for sharing this one with you.

    Many of you will think it is horrible of me to discuss such disgusting things, but we all have these issues every once in a while and I consider you all my friends. Let’s just be adults about this and admit, sometimes shit doesn’t happen.

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  4. Candy For Sale…Bad Candy That Is

    July 26, 2012 by C.

    Hide her in your ex-husband’s house.

    I would like to introduce you to “Candy”. She is for sale on eBay for a bargain $24.95 plus $10.95 shipping and handling.

    Candy was discovered last week as I was searching for something unique to prank my buddy, Jimmy. This totally would have worked, but I started feeling bad and decided to send him tampon samples instead.

    I wanted to share the entire post with you all, but it is just too long. I think the small part I am going to share will give you the gist of just how nutty the person is that is selling this doll.

    UP FOR AUCTION IS A HAUNTED ANTIQUE BABY DOLL THAT HAS THE SPIRIT OF A 7 YEAR OLD MIDDLE CHILD WITH AUTISM BY THE NAME OF CANDY. CANDY WAS ALWAYS NEGLECTED BY HER PARENTS BECAUSE THEY FELT ASHAMED OF HER BECAUSE SHE HAD SEVERE AUTISM. CANDY ALWAYS FELT NEGLECTED BECAUSE SHE NOTICED SHE WASNT TREATED LIKE HER YOUNGER BROTHER & OLDER SISTER. SHE ALWAYS FELT LEFT OUT & SHE WAS ALWAYS SAD AND DEPRESSED.

    THIS BABY DOLL IS VERY ACTIVE & UNIQUE, SHE HATES TO BE NEGLECTED. SHE REQUIRES ALOT OF LOVE AND ATTENTION AND WHEN SHE FEELS SHE IS NOT GETTING IT, SHE WILL NOT LET YOU SLEEP AT NIGHT. SHE WILL FLICKER THE LIGHTS MAKE BANGING NOISES AT NIGHT TO KEEP YOU AWAKE AND THE SPIRIT OF THE DOLL WILL CLIMB INTO YOUR BED AT NIGHT. THERE WILL BE TIMES WHEN YOU FEEL THE MATTRESS MOVE LIKE IF THERE IS SOMEONE WALKING ON TOP OF THE MATTRESS. THERE WILL BE OTHER TIMES WHEN YOU HEAR SOMEONE RUNNING UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS & THERE WILL BE OTHER TIMES WHEN YOU WILL CONSTANTLY WAKE UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT BECAUSE YOU WILL HEAR SOMEONE WISPERING IN YOUR EAR.

    Wow. I am the biggest scaredy-cat in the world and if this thing crawled in bed with me at night all on its own, I am certain I would have a heart attack. Give her a knife and she is the female version of “Chucky” except with a few more personal issues.

    When I was younger we had a ghost in our house. I never saw her, but my mom did. I did however see plenty of the little pranks she liked to play. Turning the TV on and off, changing the channel on the TV, opening every single cabinet and drawer in our kitchen and tapping on the walls. Needless to say, I moved out and left my mom and little sister to fend for themselves. I am no dummy.

    So, if you are interested in purchasing Candy, head on over to eBay. She would make the perfect gift for an ex-husband or  a mean boss. Even though I would be scared to death to have her, I am a little curious. If you buy her let me know how it goes and if you ever need to get rid of her, we can always call in Chucky to take her off your hands.

    Ohhhhhhhhh I love Candy!

     

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  5. Trading TVs For Guns

    July 25, 2012 by C.

    What a thing of beauty!

     

     

    This is my TV. As you can see it is the size of a Toyota Prius. It took four men to get it into my house when I moved back to Missouri. I bought her (yes, my TV is a she and her name is Tara P. Telly) in 2004 from Best Buy and paid a fortune for it.

    My living room is quite small and I felt it might be time to act like an adult and buy something called a couch. It is hard to seat six people on my two theater chairs. It was time to sell Tara.

    So I put an ad on Facebook. No one responded (because most of my friends have seen this monster up close and have no desire to move it). I then listed it on Craigslist. I had a couple of guys respond and make appointments to see her, but they never showed up. But the other night was my best offer yet.

     

    ** CRAIGSLIST ADVISORY — AVOID SCAMS BY DEALING LOCALLY
    ** Avoid: wiring money, cross-border deals, work-at-home
    ** Beware: cashier checks, money orders, escrow, shipping
    ** More Info: http://www.craigslist.org/about/scams

    Would you be interested in trading a gun for the TV

    http://joplin.craigslist.org/ele/

     

    Would I be interested in trading a gun for my TV???? How did he know I am obsessed with weaponry right now? It is like he was reading my mind. I seriously had to consider this offer for a moment. If this man had said to trade her for a crossbow it would have been a done deal, people. Guns still make me a little nervous. So I replied.

    “No thanks! Guns kill people. Got a crossbow???????????”

    For some reason I never heard from him again.

    My co-worker, Kori, has sold my TV for me (the reward for her hard work… she is now a huge internet star thanks to me mentioning her name…you’re welcome). The new owner will come pick her up next week. I must admit I am very sad about this. Tara and I have been through a bunch of things together…three Pittsburgh Steelers Super Bowl trips, Adam Lambert performing on American Idol, True Blood marathons and epic video game parties…just to name a few. She will be missed.

    This will hopefully be her replacement:

    What’s my name, bitches???

     

    That is an 80 inch TV that will hang on the wall so I can still have a giant TV and a couch. Yep, I am damn smart.

     

    So he/she needs a name. Let’s have a contest. You submit your name suggestions and I pick a winner. A prize you ask???

    You are picking the name of my 2nd child. Isn’t that enough??

     

     

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