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Posts Tagged ‘Walmart’

  1. Tide Is High

    May 11, 2015 by C.

    Laundry sucks.

    Laundry sucks.

     

    Shopping at Wal-mart is the biggest nightmare in the world for me. I will sometimes go to a smaller grocery store and pay higher prices just to avoid the hell on earth that is Wal-Mart. I have tried going there during off hours in order to avoid the lunatics, but then I just spend all my time trying to maneuver around the giant stacks of boxes they have parked right in front of something I really need. The later you go, the more of those re-stocking carts they have out, so that doesn’t even really pay.

    Needless to say, when I enter a Wal-Mart, it is a race. How fast can I get everything on my list and get out? Sometimes mistakes are made because I go too fast trying to escape. One such mistake was made two months ago, but was just discovered yesterday.

    When picking out laundry detergent, I usually go by price and then smell. I like my laundry to smell like it has been vacationing on the beaches of Aruba, but on a Branson Baldknobbers budget. In other words, I don’t spring for Tide.

    So one night, while racing through Wal-Mart I found a really great deal on some Downey detergent and bought a very large jug. I live alone so I really don’t have too much laundry to do so this jug has lasted me for right around two months. I was in love with this detergent. My clothes have never smelled better and they were so soft. I had decided this would be the detergent I would use for life.

    In the past few weeks, my mother has decided that due to my pneumonia, I have no business doing my own laundry. It doesn’t matter how much I protest, she throws a fit and says she is doing it and really, when she is like that it is just easier to let her do what she wants (plus I HATE doing laundry). Some nights I come home from work and not only is my laundry done but my dinner is waiting for me. Now, I totally understand why men are so into having a wife. I just flop in my recliner, feed my face, belch and watch HGTV (I am totally addicted to that Fixer Upper show).

    The way the laundry service works is she comes over and washes my clothes in my washer with my detergent and then hauls them next door to her house to dry them because she says, “Your dryer sucks!”. Whatever.

    So it was just this week that my Mom realized another one of my speed shopping mistakes.

    “Chanin, you told me which bottle to use on your washer to wash your clothes and that is what I have been using.”

    “Good deal, it smells sooooooooooooo good and my clothes are soooooooooooooo soft! Thanks!”

    “Well, today I discovered why your clothes smell so good and are so soft.”

    “What are you talking about?”

    “You and I have been “washing” your clothes in Downey fabric softener. I think it might be time for you to slow down and actually start reading the labels on things when shopping.”

    “Wait, are you sure????????????????”

    I got up and quickly ran for the laundry room.

    Shit.

    I have been walking around for two months in dirty clothes except for the very few clothes I take to my dry cleaners. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I am a disgusting idiot!

    Moral of this story…It is worth paying the extra money at expensive grocery stores in order to avoid shopping at Wal-Mart so that you don’t walk around for months in dirty underwear. 


  2. Black Friday: A Family Tradition

    November 25, 2012 by C.

    I am wearing this outfit next year.

     

     

    Sorry I have been away for a few days. My favorite holiday of the year was approaching and I had to get prepared. No, not Thanksgiving. My favorite holiday is Black Friday.

    It is a day my sister and I look forward to every year for different reasons. My sister loves it because she can get lots of gifts for her kids at bargain prices. I look forward to it so I can unleash my alter-ego,  “Rammin Chanin”.

    I become a whole different person on Black Friday. If I have to trip someone who is racing for the same set of towels that I am, then so be it. All is fair in love and retail.

    This year was even more insane than usual simply because the stores decided to open on Thanksgiving evening. Usually it is just a few thousand nut cases that would get out at 4 am for some cheap bathmats, but with the extended hours the normal people were out mucking it all up for us pros.

    Our first stop is always Wal-Mart. My sister wanted some 700 thread-count sheets they had on sale for $19.99. We agreed I would stay and fight for sheets and she would go try to get the Mickey Mouse bike for my nephew. When the associate screamed “GO” at the top of his lungs, it quickly got out of hand. The woman between me and the sheets had 6 sets stacked up over her head and she would not move. I lucked out when the woman next to her started passing the sheet sets back to someone behind me. So when I heard her yell, “King” I reached up and grabbed them. She looked pretty shocked and screamed, “we need those.” To which I replied, “then get me a set of king sheets and I will let go.” She nodded and asked what color I wanted.

    “I don’t give a shit, just get me some king sheets!” I yelled back at her. No time to be choosy. My toes had been stomped on and I was growing weak from the kidney punches I was taking from the lunatic 70-year-old woman behind me.

    I ran off with my sheets to find my sister. She was hiding in an aisle with a stack of boxes that would not normally be able to be carried by one human being but on Black Friday you gain superhero strength. We go over our list again and I go back out for a lap around the store to see what else I can get. I overheard a woman offer a man $20 for his cart. He took the money and ran. Others were stuffing their items in garbage cans and laundry baskets. I quickly gathered a few more items on our list and was trying to make my way back to my sister when a woman abandoned a cart right in front of me. God helps me quite a bit on Black Fridays. He knows this is my calling.

    I run over a few hundred toes on my way back to my sister. We piled all our goodies in the cart and she went out to take her turn. We were looking for the $5 cds but could just not find them anywhere. My sister actually hunted down the store manager. He had no idea where they were but told her to get the ones she wanted from electronics and tell the checker to override the price if they rang up as $12. Is she good or what?

    She had just returned to our cart when I see a woman eyeballing those sheets sitting on top of our haul. I gave her the evil eye and yelled, “Oh, don’t even think about it, lady!” She quickly moved on.

    After Wal-Mart we went home to unload and to sleep for a little while (4 hours). Then back up and standing in line at Radio Shack at 5:30 am. We then made stops at Best Buy, Home Depot, two other Wal-Mart locations and Ace Hardware plus various other stores online once we got home that day.

    For all of this time spent shopping here is what I came home with:

    1 37 inch soundbar

    2 movies

    1 cd

    1 video game

    1 pair of house shoes

    3 plastic storage bins

    Total spent $74.

    Did I need any of these things? Gosh, no. But did I have fun competing for these items and the ones I helped my sister get? Absolutely.

    I am already preparing for next year. Just ordered myself a pair of steel-toe boots on Ebay. Game on Wal-mart shoppers!

     


  3. Nancy Drew Would Be Proud

    July 2, 2012 by C.

     

    A woman in Monticello, KY was Super-Glued to a toilet inside the local Wal-mart. She sat down and was unable to get up. She started screaming and banging on the stall until someone came to help her. She sat there for an hour.

     

    The paramedics were able to get the seat removed from the stool, but unable to get it removed from her bum. She was taken to the emergency room for further treatment.

    The police believe this was done on purpose and when the perpetrator is caught, he or she could face 2nd degree assault charges.

    Now, I have a theory on this. I am basically a detective having graduated from the Nancy Drew School of Detecting Shit and something is fishy about her story. I, too have had an unfortunate incident involving Super Glue and a body part. That stuff dries fast. You can’t tell me that someone put that on the seat and left it there until this fruitcake plopped down. It would have been dry, people. Plus, it smells horrible. She would have caught a whiff of those fumes in the produce section. If she did sit down in wet Super Glue, then why did she just sit in it? If my precious bottom had sat in something slimy, I would have vaulted over the stall from sheer terror of what disease I have just contracted.

    She is looking to collect some money from Wal-mart and live the easy life.  Granted, she won’t be sitting on her rear for the next few months, but a little suffering will be worth all the money she is going to receive.

    If by chance my theory might be wrong (yea, right) and this actually went down like they suspect…the woman is still to blame, because you just do not use the toilets at Wal-mart. EVER. I truly would rather pull up in the shoe section and crawl into my cart to squat over a dog food bowl. I would not be embarrassed in the least, because I know for a fact crazier things than that happen all the time at Wally World.

    Bottom line folks…people are nuts. Before you back that thing up, make sure you peek at the seat.

    *Buy your Peek at the Seat t-shirts at 1happypill.com very soon*

     

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