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Taser Twins

08/03/2014 by C.






My mom has gotten increasingly nervous about Lurch across the street. It seems to be about the only thing she talks about anymore.

“Lurch was standing on his front porch when I got home from the grocery store today. I think he saw me leave this morning and went and stood there until I got back so he can get a good look. He is so weird. I am scared one of these days he is going to kill us both.”


Every day when I get home I get some sort of phone call from her with the updates of what Lurch has been up to all day long and how scared she is of him. I guess she hasn’t realized it is just as creepy that she watches him all day long.

Lurch’s mom called her the other day saying that Lurch noticed we hadn’t left the house in three days (we were gone on our vacation) and he started to come over to investigate but she stopped him. Mom tells her that we were on vacation (in Tennessee?????) and that she really isn’t much of a social neighbor hoping Mama Lurch would get the hint.

I hate to see my mom so worried about this dude. She found out he is on disability from Mama Lurch so he has nothing better to do than to sit and stare at our house and download porn (that last part was according to my mom). So this morning I saw a deal on buy one taser, get the other free.

“Mom, I got us matching pink tasers!”

“For what?”

“Well, just keep it at home and if Lurch shows up you can taser his ass.”

“I am going to sleep with it right by my bed every night!”

She clearly got excited.

“Wait, how do you know they work?”

“I don’t know…I guess you just have faith that they will shock the shit out of someone…”

“What can we try it out on?”

“Um, nothing?”

“That’s no fun. I want to know if it works or not.”

I have this fear she is going to sneak into my house in the middle of the night and try hers out on me. She scares me more than Lurch ever did. This just might be the worst idea I have ever had.

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