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The 5-Hour Energy Experiment

05/17/2012 by C.




I had seen the commercials on TV…the football star, the busy housewife and the guy at the gym. 5-Hour Energy (4 calories, no crash and the same amount of caffeine as a cup of coffee) might be my solution to becoming the perfect housekeeper.  My curiosity got the best of me so I bought a few bottles. Since I am larger than the average person, I bought a six pack thinking, one bottle would not even get me off the couch.


As I downed the first bottle there were all sorts of thoughts running through my head…would this change me forever? Would I be come an addict? Would I be stationed in front of Wal-Mart with a sign begging for money so I could get my $2.99 fix?  It’s too late now…I sat still for about 30 minutes waiting for it to kick in…nothing. I headed to the kitchen and downed bottle number two. The stuff tasted like cough medicine, but if I can get my house spotless then I could suffer through the nasty taste. I certainly had had worst tasting stuff in my mouth before this.


I didn’t wait much longer before swigging down bottle number three. After doing a few quick calculations, I came to realize with my size and the amount of work that needed to be done this third bottle should do the trick.


The first thing I noticed were my hands shaking. It became less noticeable as I cleaned the shower. On my way to cleaning out the refrigerator I noticed my heart racing extremely fast…so fast I thought it might just explode. I had that fridge done top to bottom in 15 minutes! This stuff is for real.


After the fridge, I had this huge desire to take up basket weaving or maybe origami. I needed to d0 something and do it right now. As I was loading up in the car to pick up some reed at Hobby Lobby to start weaving my baskets, it hit me. I barely made it to the bathroom in time. While doing my business I began to notice things, my hands felt like they were on fire, my heart was going even faster than before, I was compulsively counting the number of popcorns that were sticking out from the ceiling. Who came up with the idea for popcorn ceilings?? That is what I will do next, I thought, scrape all the ceilings in the house to get rid of the popcorn.


After washing my hands I realized things were getting black in the room and I felt horribly hot and dizzy. I thought I should rest for a bit and then get on with scraping those ceilings. When I came to I was wearing a swimsuit and goggles. The bed was completely wet and my face was lying in a pool of drool. I didn’t want to spend time figuring out exactly why the bed was wet so I got up and out of bed. My head had such pressure in it I thought it was going to blow up. Maybe this energy drink thing had not been such a wise idea after all.


Not again. Yes, another trip back to the bathroom. “Oh my God, I have drunk from the vial of death!” I thought. Now I know what the little man on the bottle is running from…the grim reaper.


No one will be looking for me until Monday and the last thing I wanted was to be found dead in this swimsuit. I began digging around in my closet for something to put on when I had to dash to the bathroom again. I began to pray, “Dear God, please do not let me die on the toilet like Elvis. I swear to you I will never take anything like this again and the minute I can stop going to the bathroom I will go donate 20% of my income to the church (nothing like trying to bribe God) Amen.”


The hours went by and I started feeling better. This stuff is only supposed to last for 5 hours but it is now 10pm and I am not the least bit tired. I would love to go finish the ceilings, but I am scared that any sudden movement will start up the explosive diarrhea again. So here I sit at the computer blogging about my experience.


People listen to me. I do not approve of 5-Hour Energy drinks. Maybe if you need to lose 20 pounds before a wedding to fit in a dress, but other than that I do not approve of this product. If you need energy take some vitamins, get more sleep and exercise. Your toilet will thank you.





  1. bill says:

    Lucky you. I have never tried one of those energy drinks. I recall reading or hearing on the tele, that one brand was dangerous. This has been over a year ago, maybe longer. It was a good blog, lass.

  2. Anonymous says:

    You write funny. I started reading your blog, and I enjoyed it so much, I ended up reading every single blog entry. 🙂

  3. kden says:

    "You write funny", cute.

    I would never try one of these things. I can't even drink pop in the evening which a did a few days ago. I didn't sleep all night and attempts at two naps the next day were failures. I finally caught up with my sleep and feel better today. Caffeine is evil!

    But thanks for your study, I'm sure you have saved lots of lives today.

  4. Chanin Bissinger says:

    "You write funny." Nice Anon…I believe that was a compliment. So thank you. And thanks for reading every post…wow, I don't even think I could go back and read all of them.

    Kden–saving lives is what I am all about.

    Thank you Bill!

  5. Shel says:

    Yup, thanks for the giggle. I’ll chalk this post up to, “that product has already been tested by the Happy Pill Chick,” and no thanks. Energy drinks can be dangerous to those w/health issues or even more scary to those who don’t know they have health problems; this has been a hot topic issue w/young athletes in the past. Might I recommend a liquid B12 instead…though you don’t want to overdo that either…. (White Oprah?, lol!…is that p.c.? *grin*)

  6. Chanin says:

    Shel, the real Oprah did not care for it, so I had to re-invent myself. Oprah is the devil.

  7. Shel says:

    …aww who would want to ‘walk in her shoes’ anyways; her weight fluctuates too much. Pick your own sneaks girl!

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