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The Home Shopping Network and Blueberry Cheese

11/18/2011 by C.

My mom has been stuck in a hospital or at home since October 12th. No driving, no walks…just stuck. She had knee replacement surgery and a complication has set her back a little longer than she had expected. A big day for her is being driven to a doctor’s appointment and then a trip through McDonald’s drive-thru for a strawberry milkshake. This happens once every 2-3 weeks.
Now, if you or I were stuck at home we would probably play on Facebook or watch Netflix movies all day long but she doesn’t even own a computer (“I don’t want to get a virus or have one of those hacker people steal my identity”). So she watches TV and especially loves The Home Shopping Network.
I came home Tuesday and picked up her mail. I had not checked it since Saturday. When I opened the box it was full of catalogs and two keys for the larger package boxes on the end. I took the keys and opened them up to see they were completely full! It took me three trips to get her mail into my car. I took it in to her later that night and dumped it beside her recliner. She said she had been shopping for Christmas gifts since she cannot get out. That is understandable and keeps me out of the stores doing it for her, so more power to her.
A little later she called me and asked me how long it had been since I had checked her mail. I said Saturday was the last time I went out to get it. Here is how the conversation went from there…
“Well, obviously you are trying to poison me,” she said.
“Excuse me? What are you talking about?” I asked.
“There was a package of blueberry cheddar cheese (I am sorry but that sounds nasty) and liverwurst in one of those packages. I am going to die of food poisoning when I eat them. You should have brought them in right away. It was 70 degrees yesterday!” she said.
I said slowly, “Mom, if there was a chance the food would go bad during transport it would have been packed in dry ice or something and over-nighted…not shipped to you via the post office.”
“Whatever. You are trying to poison me. I was really excited about my liverwurst too. Do you know how hard it is to get good liverwurst now? The tornado destroyed the only grocery store in town that carried it,” she said.
Yep, that is what I miss most since the tornado wiped out a third of our town…the liverwurst grocery store.
Again, I tried to assure her that if it was something that would spoil that quickly it would have been shipped FedEx or UPS overnight on dry ice.
She just kept arguing. I was laughing so hard I was crying. When I could finally speak again I recommended she call the company to see if in fact she would die after eating what they shipped her and also to tell them they should have packed it in dry ice or something. But of course, she would hear none of this. It was MY fault for leaving it in the mailbox for two days. Whatever.
So last night, I go to check on her and a large package was dropped on her front porch. She asked me to drag it in and set it in front of her chair. It was a giant purse from of course, the Home Shopping Network. I just shook my head and started to leave.
“Wait! I want to show you the outfit I got to go with the purse,” she said.
I grabbed her remote control and quickly child blocked all the shopping networks I could find. She can barely get the satellite turned on so I knew she would never figure out how to unlock them. I gave her the remote back and went home. I keep waiting for a phone call from her in a panic because she cannot find the HSN channel anymore.
“I am sure one of those hackers broke into my satellite and stole it from me!” she would say. “Probably out charging up all my credit cards as we speak.”
Please Lord, when I am her age, allow me to understand technology a little better and know that blueberries don’t belong in cheese. 

1 Comment

  1. Grumpy says:

    You've got to get her recovered and away from the TV.

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