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The Itsy-Bitsy Spider Almost Reported Me to PETA

08/23/2013 by C.

Not near as cute as this spider!

Not near as cute as this spider!




My back has been out all week and it has made me so crabby. After a long day of hobbling around the office and at home, I was so ready to crawl into my bed and relax. To help with that, I had taken a muscle relaxer. The effects of the pill were starting to kick in as I started unmaking my bed.

I walked over to the chest where I keep a few small pillows I like to prop my face up with and grabbed the one on top. I dropped the pillow on the bedspread and started to walk out of the room when I saw something move from the pillow to my comforter. Moving the pillow aside, I see a small spider.

Now, I am not a fan of bugs, especially when they are crawling around on the bed I am about to sleep on. The first thought that popped into my head was the little nasty thing crawling in my ear and having babies while I slept (I had no proof it was pregnant , but with the luck I have had the last two weeks, I am sure it was).

The only thing near me to kill her with was the little pillow.

Evidently, pillows are not a great tool for killing bugs. She would just curl up into a ball when I whacked her then pop back up and start running.  I was getting more and more frustrated with each whack and whipped around looking for a shoe or anything just to get the job done. Nothing.

So I tried hitting her harder with the pillow and for extra effect screaming, “Die spider, die!” hoping that in some way it would help.

Pretty sure I heard the spider reply, “Listen you dumb bitch, hit me with a shoe like a normal person and stop torturing me! If I survive this I am calling PETA straight away.”

Getting very tired by this point, an idea came to mind. I used the pillow to scoot the spider to the edge of the bed and I sat on her. Then I wiggled my butt around to make sure she was squished. When your back is out the very last thing you want to do is move your pelvis around and of course I was afraid she was poisonous and would get one good bite into my butt before she died, but I did it anyways. So not only, was the comforter stained with spider gunk, so were my shorts. But hey, it worked.

I ran to the bathroom to check for bite marks even though I didn’t feel anything back there. I was very relieved to see my rear was clear of fang holes. I couldn’t even imagine the poor doctor’s face when they wheeled me in with a spider bite for him to work on. One look at my big butt and he might decide on early retirement. Thankfully, all of that was avoided.

I think I will call the exterminator this week. This was way too much excitement for this old lady.



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