When a person turns 40, their parents or the government should send them a pamphlet with warnings about the horrible things that come with aging. My parents would always say, “Oh, just wait until you get older” but never did they take me aside, grab my shoulders and scream at me, “when you get older you will be so freaking tired you would give up a month of cartoons for an hour-long nap!” That might have gotten my attention.
So here I am to save the day. I will provide the young folks out there with some truth about aging.
- I cannot remember shit. As in, where I shit last, where I left my car keys or where I hid the majority of the Christmas presents I have bought so far this year. Or I just forget I bought the person a gift and buy another one. By the time I discover this, it is too late to take it back. I had another really funny example I thought of when I was in the shower, but I have already forgotten what it was. Seriously, this sucks.
- All of sudden you won’t be able to see. It is kind of scary. One day I was looking at some tiny print that I normally would have had no issues reading. I just could not get my eyes to focus on it enough to read it. I was staring at it so intensely, trying to will my eyes to see the print. They did not cooperate. I bought a pair of magnifying glasses the next day and discovered that I had grown a monobrow.
- Your body starts to hurt all over. Knees, feet, back and things you never knew could hurt…like your thumbs. One day you will attempt to do something that you have done every day your whole life and that simple movement (like getting up off the toilet) will cause a shocking, horrific pain you will never forget and just might turn into a nagging injury that never completely goes away. It would be more understandable if you had done something crazy like try to jump your kid’s skateboard over your car, not something so simple. It won’t take long until you are making those grunting noises your grandparents made when getting up from the sofa.
- Hair issues. The men start to lose it and the women start to grow lots of it in places they shouldn’t. Let me give you a personal example. I have two “wild hairs” that have suddenly shown up this year. One grows out of my forearm. It is blonde and I didn’t notice it until it was 6 inches long and curling up like a Susie-Q. I have plucked it out, only to have it grow right back. The second hair grows out of my eyebrow. It too, is blonde and an inch longer than all my other dark-colored eyebrows so it really becomes noticeable if I don’t catch it quickly. I imagine in ten years my eyebrows will look like this…
- You begin to lose your mojo. If you are single, you have lost your flirting skills and what if it worked? You would have to eventually take all your clothes off and have sex with that person. My legs now resemble a road atlas with all the winding red spider vein highways and interstate blue varicosities. I won’t even mention cellulite or fat rolls. Then there is the act itself. Who has the energy? Totally not worth it. I would rather spend my time pinning crap I will never do to my Pinterest boards. Besides, it will just cause me to throw my back out again. I don’t have time to deal with a bad back when my foot is killing me with all the bone spurs I have grown. If only I could grow tomatoes this well.
So, that is it…your guide to growing older. Moral of this story is to do lots of physically fun stuff while you are young because soon the most physical activity you can handle is going to your numerous doctor appointments.