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Where’s a Zombie When You Need One?

09/14/2011 by C.

Josephine Rebecca Smith, 22, of St. Petersburg, FL attacked a homeless man while he slept on the porch of a deserted Hooters Restaurant.
This would be a fairly common news story except for the fact that Josephine is a self-proclaimed vampire. (How does this self-proclaiming stuff work? I hereby self-proclaim myself to be a successful writer). 
Poor Milton Ellis, 69, had fallen asleep only to later wake to find Josephine (can you tell I am digging her name?) on top of him. Not like that…get your minds out of the gutter people!
“Ellis claims that she attacked him, started yelling that she was a vampire, that she was going to eat him and started biting him on his face and body,” stated police spokesman Mike Puetz. 
Mr. Ellis hopped into his motorized wheelchair and scooted off to a nearby Shell station to call the cops. He was sporting some wicked bite marks on his neck and face. When did vampires starting biting people on the face??
Josephine was found half-naked on the Hooters porch. She said she remembered nothing about the attack. 
Ellis was taken to the hospital and received a bazillion stitches. Josephine was arrested and charged with battery on an elderly person. 
I know vampires are considered to be cool right now but why not werewolves or zombies? Why aren’t there people out there posing as a werewolf from Jacob’s pack? He was in that “Twilight” movie too. It’s always all about Edward. Geez. 
I pray that this is the last vampire attack story I read for a while. Bring on the zombie attacks!

2 Comments

  1. Anonymous says:

    Just declare yourself a zombie and get jiggy with it!

  2. bill says:

    Actually, I like… witches. They do it all, you know, like 'Over the Rainbow on my bargain basement jerked broom straw, short broom. Now that was an adventure to get Judy Garland's attention. That was a good article. It almost got my creative harmonica flowing.

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