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Zombie Apocalypse Coming Soon

05/30/2012 by C.

Have you seen the news lately? Zombies are popping out of the woodwork.

Let’s start with the face eating Zombie from Miami, Florida. A naked man, chewing on a homeless man’s face. When asked nicely to stop chewing on the man’s nose, Zombie turned around and growled at the cop, then went back to eating.The cop shot him, but our Zombie continued with his Sunday brunch. It took 6 shots to kill this guy. I don’t know about you, but to me that sounds like a serious Zombie attack and it really freaks me out.

Then this morning, I read another Zombie stabbed himself and as the police were trying to subdue him, he started throwing pieces of his intestines and skin at them. Here is the important piece of information…the police sprayed him with pepper spray before he started    the intestine toss and it did not phase him. Are you getting the picture, folks?

Maybe this will help spell it out for you if you are a little slow…http://theoatmeal.com/comics/zombie_how

We’re screwed, bitches!

However if you start preparing now, chances are you might survive at least 2-3 days. Look, the world is going to come to a bloody nasty end soon, so you might as well rack up those credit cards buying preparation supplies or just buy a bunch of shit you have wanted for a long time, because you truly won’t be around long enough to pay the bills.

***Note from the law office of French, Frye and Coke—She is joking. Our client will not be held accountable. Do not charge up your credit cards preparing for the Zombie Apocalypse. She is really dumb to believe all this crazy shit, but she pays us well.***

I will keep this short and sweet as I am busy putting together my list of supplies to survive this mess. If you need a cheat sheet to get started with your purchases here is what I have on my list so far…

Shotgun (duh)

bullets for shotgun

Monster truck (if you don’t shoot very well at least you can run over them)

First aid kit

Rations

Many cases of Coke

Some of these so you can wipe the Zombie goo from your eye protection. Of course, Elton John is already prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse.

 

 

 

 

70 inch LED Flat screen (ok, that has nothing to do with Zombies…I just want one).

Chainsaw

Friends like these that you won’t feel bad about sacrificing to the Zombies…

***Do not sacrifice them until they have found you a nice hidey hole, killed a cow and butchered it all up into some nice T-bones and built you a fire. Then you can let the Zombies have them.***

This is some serious stuff and shouldn’t be taken lightly. The next story I read about someone chowing on another human or using their own blood as paint, I am grabbing my Bug Out Bag (bit.ly/MZcvXA) and heading for the hills.


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